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Should I get back with my ex

Queen

I've been in a relationship on and off for the last month. We're no longer together but he wants us to be. I've never been in a relationship before so not entirely sure I know what I'm doing, I try my best but I am going through some personal mental health problems which have caused physical health decline as well

My ex also has a few problems going on as well, one major one is he's lost someone and he's struggling to work through it. I feel bad because with my autism and lack of connection I don't know what to say or do to help him. I can only listen but that's really not any good for him

Because of the stress for him and me I have ended our relationship before, quite a few times now but he messaged back and I trying again because he wanted me to and said we could make this work

From the stress of it all and his grief he can get a little worked up and overthink things. At times he hasn't been the nicest in his words, said I broke his heart and that I was vicious towards him which actually made me cry for a long time as I always try to be really nice to everyone

So last night I ended things again but he's messaged again since and is asking for us to give things another go

And now I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to do this but another part doesn't and I'm in two minds as to what to do for the best

My mum says I should ignore the messages and block him but I don't want to be cold and horrible

My friend says it's my decision but she thinks we would make a lovely couple

  • in reply to Queen

    In my experience, if you're asking if you should, then you shouldn't. In my opinion, one necessary requirement is that someone can't imagine living without their partner.  Otherwise, it seems like a logical decision, and in matters of romantic relationships, love should definitely be a requirement, though love doesn't require a relationship.

  • I think taking a break is a good step to take next. There's a few red flags that I can see so some time apart is a good idea, though if he can't accept that and continues to repeatedly ask you then you should cut ties and walk away. You need to focus on yourself, that's the most important thing, your wellbeing. You can look back at dating again when you're fit and able. If I were you that's what I would do, suggest a break and no contact so you can recover and get back on your feet. If he can't accept your wishes then you'll be better off without him. I hope all goes well for you. 

  • Relationships are hard and need a lot of things to work, many that just can’t be controlled. The biggest one is timing. You can met the most perfect person and if the time isn’t right making it work just isn’t going to happen. It sounds like both of you have a lot of personal things going on right now, and neither of you really have what’s needed at the moment to focus on each other and a relationship. It’s sad but there’s no shame in that. I would walk away and focus on you. Try and be friends. Once things have settled down for both of you maybe try again. But if the other person can’t except your decision and is willing to emotionally blackmail you and gaslight you in to changing your mind, I would say that’s quite a big red flag.

  • Definitely don't block him. You're right; you don't want to be cold and horrible. There's no reason not to still be friendly, whatever you do.

    I'd say if you love him, go for it; if you don't love him, then end the relationship. If you're not sure whether you love him anymore, I'm not sure what to advise though. Just being friends is always an option.

  • I struggle to understand and recognise my own feelings. I would say I do love him but I'm not sure I do as much as I did when we first met cause he seems to have changed and I've seen him at worse times but I know he's not really like that it's just stress

    Things are a bit rocky and I'm at fault as well my head has been all over the place and I've been laid up in hospital for nourishment and kidney treatment for a while. Now wasn't a good time for either of us

    I think your right about taking a break. I will suggest this again I'm just hoping he can agree he tends to message again really soon after

    Thanks anyway your a big help :) 

  • It sounds like you are considering this because you feel guilty, but you have not mentioned how you feel about him personally.  If you don't love him, then it's going to continue to be a very difficult relationship.  I speak from experience that my mum always said she never loved my dad, she just married him because she thought it was the right thing to do.

    Couples can support each other through all kinds of struggles when they love each other, but supporting someone through struggles is not a good basis for a relationship.  It might be that you both need time to focus on getting yourselves into a better emotional place before you are ready to start dating again.