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Always felt different

Holly P-B

Little background I’m a 22 year old female, and I’ll be talking about me as a young child to adult between the years of 2005-present.

So as a child I felt like a normal child however I never felt as though I was like everyone else I was “different” and not in a good way, children found me weird, children would laugh at me for answering a question wrong, calling me a retard and everything under the sun.

In March 2006 I was diagnosed with Asperger’s more commonly known now has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), however I didn’t discover I had Autism until 2013, (during this time I was diagnosed with alopecia which is still present today) my mother withheld information about it, and never told me until I was nosy and stumbled across some government documents on me having Autism, I confronted my mum and I was furious, I’ve accepted that I think she was trying to protect me somehow.

Before I discovered those documents I had TA’s around me 24/7 at middle school and I kept getting so upset and confused why I had TA’s around me and I kept pushing them away (not physically just telling them to go away), I made me feel different than the other kids and I just wanted to be treated like all the other kids in my class.

Even after I found out about my diagnosis I still didn’t embrace who I was I rejected who I was and what I was, I dehumanised myself to think I was some girl who wouldn’t do well in life because people wouldn’t want an autistic girl around, classmates in secondary school were cruel, again calling me useless and retarded a dumb *** etc, in my GCSES I only got English (4) that’s it everything else was lower than that, and this supported my belief that I was too stupid to do anything, and I had to work my way up again from the bottom.

When I went to College and did a Level 1 course everyone in that course said why are you here you are so smart, and I replied saying well my grades don’t say I’m smart mainly getting E’s and F’s and a G.

I continued doing a level 2 and 3 course.

Now I’m at university doing Criminology and Law however I still haven’t fully accepted that I have ASD, I still feel as though I don’t belong in any community even though I am part of it.

  • I had terrible grades in high school. I even had to retake all of my English classes, once even at night school. After getting some discipline in the military, I went to college. I had the same experience as you did in college in my math classes. Other students would even get upset with me and derogatorily call me a "genius", "math whiz", or "super brain". I even finished my precalculus class halfway through the semester because the syllabus told us all the assignments.

    Yet, I went the social science route because I wanted to know how people think and why they behave the way they do (I knew i was missing something). I still did pretty well, and even got invited to a master's level course while in undergrad, but I wasn't as good as in math. Luckily, I found a niche. Most social science majors hate stats and many don't ever get it. To me, stats is intuitive, the easiest "math" there is. You just have to know what the numbers mean.

    Anyway, in grad school, I had tenured professors asking me to run their stats and write up their results for them. That would take me an afternoon, and I got published in academic journals for it lol.

  • in reply to Inula

    I was very lucky to have been diagnosed at the age of 5 with autism, and I'm saddened to hear that you ladies haven't been formally diagnosed, I was shocked that not many girls and women have been diagnosed, I'm the rare few that was diagnosed as a young child. 

  • Hi 

    I’m 36 just had my first assessment on last week, she has spoken with the panel and agreed an outcome. I now have an appointment on Tuesday next week to discuss the outcome ( she’s not said the outcome to me).

    I was tested for dyslexia when I was a uni years ago, got told I’m don’t dyslexic but have a whole host of issues. 

    I too for years especially after the dyslexia test there’s something eles up with me, will be finding next week 

  • Hello Holly

    I was chatting with my daughter yesterday about school. She was diagnosed with autism late in life (almost 40) She did well but we now realise how much better she would have done if she had found her "hook" . The thing that really interested and gripped her. Sadly my granddaughter is in the same boat now. Fortunately we're aware that she's very likely autistic. (There's no support from her school to get a diagnosis) Having that awareness is helpful.

    I'm sure your mum had the very best of intentions, not telling you of your diagnosis. Kids don't come with a handbook. As parents we can only do our best - and unfortunately autism can still be viewed as a negative which might be why she didn't share.

    Well done for getting into uni. I hope you do incredibly well. You are obviously far from stupid. 

    I can sympathise with your feeling that you don't belong in a community. I've struggled to belong all of my life.  I've now reached my 60s and after researching and taking test after online test I've concluded that I'm autistic and suddenly so many things make sense to me!. (I only considered this after my daughter was diagnosed as suggested I take some tests too) I wish I had known that I work in the way I work a lifetime ago. I think with a diagnosis and support I would have done much better for myself.