School Refusal in Socially Anxious teen girl

Think how u were impacted 

spectrum how you cope how your parents what your strengths and weakness...  it's genetic you might have similar connections that worked 4 u could help your daughter  x some parents have carbon mosque mutation so might be able what worked 4 u could help u daughter x 

focus on her strength u can iron out her weaknesses. 

 my neurologist recommends zinc I focus on gut 2 brain connection 2 and reparation auditory repeat break aids fluids as we all come with short-term memory first recognition

But long-term fixation facts memory is perfect in fact u find autism uses more long-term memory than shorter one as holds more staying power 

For her adhd ischromic sounds jason Lewis's hemispheres  then allow the Alpha more staying power

 point less begging and pleading with the school they are  not your daughter and not got the facilities or funding to home tuition reparation be best xx   and ui find your daughter has more anxiety when she in this type environments  been it seen lived it supported  it xx 

hope she get support xx 

Thanks, glad that's helping you, it's a stressful time isn't it! We're trying phone based cbt for dealing with panic via the charity 'No Panic', but this isn't helping at all to be honest. We're on the CAMHS waiting list for what that's worth. We've been having meetings with the school send team and with her form tutor and pastoral lead and they've proposed all sorts of adaptations that are theoretically possible.  We've tried stripping school back to bare minimum, so as many stress points are removed as possible, but as yet, this still isn't working for her. We won't force her into school mid-panic - that's only going to make things worse - and we can't persuade her to go without triggering a panic. The school environment and the school day are - by their very nature - completely filled with situations she can't handle.

We're giving it one last try with an even more stripped back format - support catching up with core subjects at home + option to try for one lesson in school each week. If this doesn't work, we will pull her out and begin home educating. One family member is still extremely opposed to us doing this, but she can't argue that we haven't tried.

seen this 10000 times and over keep pushing forward stay postive 

Hi, my 13 year old daughter has been home from school  since just after Christmas.  She has also been getting panic attacks and struggling  with anxiety,  CAHMs think she may be autistic, she is now waiting to start the diagnosis  period.  We have been in contact with our school nurse and they have been great with helping my daughter and communicating with us and the school.  If you haven't  already done this I would  really recommend. 

I was primed for qualifying, School, but couldn't cope with the race, Adulthood. 

Doing A'Levels, gradually, fried my brain. I lost all enthusiasm for study at Final Year of Uni, 2000-01, and never got a career out of my degree; IT.

Homeschooling is the way forward. 

thankyou Budburst, yes I think the more of us speak out about this the better.  School was just literal daily torture and I still get extra anxious every early September as it's that horrible feeling of the seasons changing with the start of school, even though Im 45 now!

Hi Flower, I'm so sorry to hear of your experience with this. It's appalling really to think how many of us have found school so traumatising and such a shame for you that there wasn't another way to keep going with those subjects you enjoyed. Mainstream school has really failed us. I hope you're doing ok these days. And I really hope with the amount of awareness we have these days that changes can be made so future generations don't have to suffer like this. I think previous generations of parents mostly didn't have a clue how traumatising school was. My sister had a really similar experience to you.

you are doing absolutely everything right and your mother in law can just mind her own busoness, your child is your priority not mother in laws' opinion. sorry makes me so angry when people push these views onto others.  You know what's best as her Mum

Hello, your daughter sounds like I was at school  I just continuously bunked off so I didn't have to go in. i raked the streets and ended up in some dodgy types flats ......My parents were of the mindset of just making me get on with it and go in but that was truly traumatizng. 

My schooling suffered and i obviously came out with no gcses because of it all.

I know for a fact if I'd been homeschooled I would have some gcses because I would have been able to do some of the work I enjoyed (like english and art) and not be constantly having to be vigilant or be distracted.

Hi Ann, thank you so much for your reply. I love your analogy about the whirlpool, that makes so much sense and that will be a useful one to remember at times when I'm meeting resistance from others about taking her seriously and being respectful about how much she can be expected to stretch herself. You're absolutely right, I think she's at crisis point and has been heading this way for quite some time. Every day at school is making her situation harder and harder to bear. But having let her stay home most of this last half term, she's starting to calm down and get to the end of the days more her usual self. She still panics if we talk about the possibility of going back to school, but it's clear that she's definitely needed a break and that if she is to get back to school, she either needs a massive break and lots of support learning how to cope with the school routine, or she needs school to be different. And if we can't do any of those things then home schooling does look like the best option to me.

I've been watching those shows on BBC iplayer that came out recently - the Chris Packham one and Christine McGuinness's one, both featuring that wonderful school for autistic girls. Wouldn't it be nice if there were more schools around the country like that! Regular school is such a harsh environment for anyone with a sensitive outlook.

Anyhow, thank you very much for your thoughts, much appreciated.

To me it sounds like homeschooling is the best option- for all the reasons you have given. How does your daughter feel about homeschooling? 

Also it might help to remind yourself that whatever you decide it doesn't have to be permanent. If after a while you realise homeschooling isn't right afterall or if after a few years your daughter and you feel that going to a school would better meet her needs then that is always an option. That argument might also help to appease critical family members. 

I think what you say here is key : Are there any agencies who are qualified to help her get over this or is the simplest solution just to take away her pain and let her study with an online school, followed by gently supporting her in learning how to make good social relationships in her own time and at her own pace?"

It reminds me of an analogy I like to think about when I think about my own issues with anxiety and burnout (I am also autistic). It's like saying someone who cannot swim and is currently drowning in a whirlpool needs to learn how to swim whilst being in that whirlpool. It's very hard to learn 'how to swim' when in rough waters. You first need to take them out of that environment. Then, when they have recovered, maybe you can start teaching them to swim in calmer waters. Not sure if this makes sense, but from what you describe it sounds like things at school have reached crisis level. I don't think trying to push through this is going to work, your daughter is likely to just struggle more and more and end up more exhausted and traumatised. I think homeschooling would give her the time to recover and like you say then she can learn to manage stress/anxiety and social situations in her own time and at her own pace. And whatever you decide, it doesn't have to be permanent. 

Thanks so much for your reply Rebekah, it's really good to hear your experience. It sounds like you had a brilliant education with your parents. I think it's so important to recognise how valuable this type of education can be. Thank you very much for the tips and resources, much appreciated!

Nancy

As someone who was homeschooled my experiance was that it was the best thing ever. I only went to primary school for the first year and this was tough, I was ahead in the maths and reading side so was bored as they wouldn't let me go ahead in the work, I also thought I had one or two friends niether kept in touch once I left school (even though I tried). Also everyday after school I screemed/cried all the way home and then often took my frustration out on the doors at home. 

Once I was homeschooled I found it really, fun could do the maths I wanted to do (maths was one of my very intense intrests, still is) and other subjects. Also my parents took us to lots of places (national trust, enlgish heritage) which as I loved histroy too, I enjoyed. These years (would have been primary and secondary school) flew by and really enjoyed and felt relaxed, not stressed (meltdowns gradually reduced).

Then started on my gcses at 15, I found it hard to work at the pace needed for gcse work, so I did 6 in three years whilst continuing other practical things (did two years of pottery at the local pottery as an apprentice), playing instruments and cooking. Then I decided to go to the local college (I never had close friends as struggled to make them, I thought this might help, it didn't really), took 3 years to do 4 a-levels (mainly cause wasn't sure where was headed next). Again I struggled with the load and busyness, made two friends. Now am at university, I still stuggle with everything happening at once but my parents help me through.

Sorry for the long reply. 

I found my time homeschooled the more relaxed/least stressed and was very happy. Could focus on subjects I enjoyed, did activites I enjoyed, if this is what would solve your daughters issues then its the best way. There are family memebers that told my parents not to as well (and where very suprised when I was diagnosed autistic at 23 (last year)) but I am glad my parents ignored them.

Some of the resourses my parents used along the way are, Oxford Homeschooling (online courses), Wh-Smiths & CGP (for workbooks), Alpha to Omega (english system for dyslexics or those that struggle), TheMathWorksheetSite (maths worksheets for plenty of extra practice). Socialisation wise, Local Homschool Groups, Local Clubs, Days Out (getting us kids to help buy the tickets, get the food, ask questions, etc).

The thing I always liked is my parents asked me what interested me, what things I wanted to do then built a curiculum aorund those things (to include the all things I didn't really like but needed to do but focused on the things I loved doing).

Rebekah

Thank you, yes I so agree with everything you've said. It's this mismatch that is the problem and that's all because of exactly the misunderstanding that I'm getting from my mother in law - total refusal to accept that some people need the world to be shaped differently to how modern society has shaped it.

And yes, all I want is for her to come through childhood feeling strong and confident in herself. If she hasn't got that, no amount of education is going to be any good to her and it seems as though school is just breaking her in so many ways. She really needs a more gentle pace of learning, to be allowed to focus for longer on each subject, to be able to socialise according to her own needs and wishes. It would be such a relief for her to be schooled in this way!

Links would be fab if you can find them, but don't worry if not!

Thanks, yes it's extremely frustrating. It's really good to hear your comments. You start to question yourself when those around you are treating you as though you've gone a bit mad to be considering breaking the mould! It just seems the obvious way out of this to me. So I will continue to push for home schooling. We're waiting for an autism diagnosis - due during the Easter break and I can't see how she could possibly not be diagnosed with autism, given the list of symptoms I've posted up above and lots of others too. And then I'll enrol her with one of these schools. I've had lots of good chats with my husband at least, who is coming around. The very controlling mother in law just won't even discuss it. She ignores everything I say, no matter how I try and put it and just repeats in her gentle, but patronisingly firm way that going back to school must be worked towards and sitting around at home will cause her long-term harm and would I like to talk to her psychologist friend to help me come to terms with what my daughter really needs? Perhaps I should go take a massage to help myself calm down and see more clearly what the proper way forward would be.

It's so undermining, so insulting and so unhelpful in a really difficult time.

Follow your instincts! Children need an education. She won’t be socialised properly at school and that will ruin the education. Autism is a sociology problem at this point and most children with autistic traits would’ve been fine in school 30-50 years ago. It’s much different now. 

A thriving individual will be able to navigate any future. It’s less helpful for children to be in survival mode through school and exit at 18 with little to show for it. 

Autism and ADHD and even dyslexia and so on are mismatches for modern schooling. I’ll leave some added links if you’re interested when I find them, but allow her room to just focus and learn. It doesn’t sound like she’ll thrive at the school she’s at. 

Budburst said:

Other family members are insistent that she keeps pushing on through

I'm sorry to barge into the Women and Girls board - I was just so appalled to read what I've quoted, considering all your daughter is going through. I hope you're able to ignore their insistence, and find a way of facilitating home schooling for her.  x