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School Refusal in Socially Anxious teen girl

Budburst

I'm an autistic mum with a daughter being assessed for autism. She suffers with OCD, intense social anxiety, perfectionism, can only understand very clear, literal speech and needs a strong routine - any changes throw her into a panic. She'sbeen anxious in school for years and struggles to get on with other children. She's very sensitive - emotional music makes her cry, she can't tolerate the sound of people eating, for example and she gets very embarassed about having emotional outbursts in front of other people.

Moving to secondary school - she's now in year 8 - she's suffering panic attacks about going into school in the mornings as well as before bed the night before school. This mostly relates to social anxieties around PE and break times, as well as during class. She also feels a huge pressure to study very hard, which is making her over-tired. She's having panic attacks at school that are making social difficulties even worse as she's making a scene, which is making it harder for her to feel like she can fit in. She has one friend, who is much like her, but this friend is often off school ill. With other girls, she says they just all go silent when she sits with them. She doesn't know what to say to them and they don't know what to say to her. She finds this intolerable and has described feelings of panicked paranoia about what they're thinking about her. She's now refusing to go to school and is getting behind with her work, which is causing further anxiety.

At what point can I accept that home schooling is a good option? Other family members are insistent that she keeps pushing on through. I feel that doing so is traumatising her. Her most recent night time meltdown lasted four hours, from 10pm to 2am, during which time she screamed and wailed at the top of her voice for almost the entire time, she looked panicked, frantic, like a cornered animal and just repeated over and over 'I want to die, I want to die'.

Personally, I can't understand how home schooling is not the logical response to this. But I'm also autistic and feel her pain acutely. I can't handle how upset she is. I can't think clearly. Does anyone have experience of helping a child recover from this level of acute anxiety about school? Are there any agencies who are qualified to help her get over this or is the simplest solution just to take away her pain and let her study with an online school, followed by gently supporting her in learning how to make good social relationships in her own time and at her own pace?

Any thoughts appreciated!

Parents

  • To me it sounds like homeschooling is the best option- for all the reasons you have given. How does your daughter feel about homeschooling? 

    Also it might help to remind yourself that whatever you decide it doesn't have to be permanent. If after a while you realise homeschooling isn't right afterall or if after a few years your daughter and you feel that going to a school would better meet her needs then that is always an option. That argument might also help to appease critical family members. 

    I think what you say here is key : Are there any agencies who are qualified to help her get over this or is the simplest solution just to take away her pain and let her study with an online school, followed by gently supporting her in learning how to make good social relationships in her own time and at her own pace?"

    It reminds me of an analogy I like to think about when I think about my own issues with anxiety and burnout (I am also autistic). It's like saying someone who cannot swim and is currently drowning in a whirlpool needs to learn how to swim whilst being in that whirlpool. It's very hard to learn 'how to swim' when in rough waters. You first need to take them out of that environment. Then, when they have recovered, maybe you can start teaching them to swim in calmer waters. Not sure if this makes sense, but from what you describe it sounds like things at school have reached crisis level. I don't think trying to push through this is going to work, your daughter is likely to just struggle more and more and end up more exhausted and traumatised. I think homeschooling would give her the time to recover and like you say then she can learn to manage stress/anxiety and social situations in her own time and at her own pace. And whatever you decide, it doesn't have to be permanent. 

Reply

  • To me it sounds like homeschooling is the best option- for all the reasons you have given. How does your daughter feel about homeschooling? 

    Also it might help to remind yourself that whatever you decide it doesn't have to be permanent. If after a while you realise homeschooling isn't right afterall or if after a few years your daughter and you feel that going to a school would better meet her needs then that is always an option. That argument might also help to appease critical family members. 

    I think what you say here is key : Are there any agencies who are qualified to help her get over this or is the simplest solution just to take away her pain and let her study with an online school, followed by gently supporting her in learning how to make good social relationships in her own time and at her own pace?"

    It reminds me of an analogy I like to think about when I think about my own issues with anxiety and burnout (I am also autistic). It's like saying someone who cannot swim and is currently drowning in a whirlpool needs to learn how to swim whilst being in that whirlpool. It's very hard to learn 'how to swim' when in rough waters. You first need to take them out of that environment. Then, when they have recovered, maybe you can start teaching them to swim in calmer waters. Not sure if this makes sense, but from what you describe it sounds like things at school have reached crisis level. I don't think trying to push through this is going to work, your daughter is likely to just struggle more and more and end up more exhausted and traumatised. I think homeschooling would give her the time to recover and like you say then she can learn to manage stress/anxiety and social situations in her own time and at her own pace. And whatever you decide, it doesn't have to be permanent. 

Children
  • in reply to Ann :)

    Hi Ann, thank you so much for your reply. I love your analogy about the whirlpool, that makes so much sense and that will be a useful one to remember at times when I'm meeting resistance from others about taking her seriously and being respectful about how much she can be expected to stretch herself. You're absolutely right, I think she's at crisis point and has been heading this way for quite some time. Every day at school is making her situation harder and harder to bear. But having let her stay home most of this last half term, she's starting to calm down and get to the end of the days more her usual self. She still panics if we talk about the possibility of going back to school, but it's clear that she's definitely needed a break and that if she is to get back to school, she either needs a massive break and lots of support learning how to cope with the school routine, or she needs school to be different. And if we can't do any of those things then home schooling does look like the best option to me.

    I've been watching those shows on BBC iplayer that came out recently - the Chris Packham one and Christine McGuinness's one, both featuring that wonderful school for autistic girls. Wouldn't it be nice if there were more schools around the country like that! Regular school is such a harsh environment for anyone with a sensitive outlook.

    Anyhow, thank you very much for your thoughts, much appreciated.