Recent diagnosis, therapy and unmasking

I did CBT.  For me, it worked for certain elements of anxiety. It had been said by some professionals (my autism assessor) that CBT doesn't work for autistic people. Now I understand this more. A lot of anxiety could be sensory, or because we communicate differently, or because there's a higher intolerance of uncertainty (as an example....I've worked in the same place for a long time but can still feel sick before work....it's just another day but I think there's something deep down that just means leaving the house and being with other people is uncertain. I KNOW everything will be fine but it doesn't make it easier). It could be said I have done exposure therapy most days of my life but I still feel anxious. I could give countless examples of this. Another difficulty can be if you are alexithymic. And if you mask. I often need time to process things but in the past has said what was expected of me. If you are aware of yourself and what autism means to you,  you could get some benefit from it. Diagnosis takes time to integrate into your life. A counsellor with understanding of autism (or is autistic) helped far more because a lot of it is about accepting things and once you realise,  it takes the pressure off. ACT was recommended to me by my assessor and I'm starting that soon but for non autism reasons. 

Dawn said:

As for masks, I'm still trying to identify mine.  I have found this the hardest concept to grasp

I completely agree. Then just when you think you've "got it" another mask is revealed. 

Hi Jay, 

That's really good to hear that you've found therapy useful. I find I'm the same with knowing what they're going to say, and maybe I just need to try again with a more open attitude and a therapist who wouldn't focus so much on emotions. 

Best wishes!

Hi Richy, 

Thank you for your response! I definitely have found the same thing in terms of stimming when engaging in special interests- a lot of the time I don't notice I'm doing it until someone else points it out. It's hard not to feel self-conscious, but has made me more aware of trying not to suppress stims when I'm alone. Fidget toys are wonderful; I only have a few, but they're so helpful for my concentration, as well as trying to self-regulate and stim. 

Best of luck with pursuing your diagnosis :)

Hi Number, 

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and considered response. It's been such a relief to hear from other people who understand the unspoken context surrounding trying to exist in a normie world as you call it!

It does seem that getting a diagnosis in adulthood (granted I'm still very young) can leave you with more questions that answers, and very much in the "what now?" limbo. I will definitely share any helpful services that I come across; you're 100% right that so many people would benefit from more information about that.

Interesting take on religion/spirituality! Funnily enough it is something that I've been thinking about recently, though don't know enough about to pass any kind of comment on. 

Thank you for your advice about taking care during interactions with others. I'm very lucky to have lots of neurodivergent friends who encourage me to "be myself" as much as possible, however it's hard not to over-analyse and feel shame about more "genuine" interactions I have with them. That's going to take a lot of time and patience from everyone involved to try and dismantle. 

Thank you again for your kind words, wishing you the best :)

Hi Dawn, 

Thank you so much for your response and for the BACP link. I'm definitely going to look into it. Glad to hear I'm not the only one who is skeptical about CBT!

Completely understand what you mean about choosing whether or not to mask feeling empowering. I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by lots of neurodivergent friends who have been so supportive of me.

Congratulations Abbie.  It sounds as though you have a really positive attitude to your diagnosis.  21 is young and you have a whole life ahead.

I do not think that many of us get anything very much out of CBT, but there are autism informed counsellors and therapists out there.  You should be able to find one on the website for professional therapists.  Many offer online as well as in person these days.

BACP - British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy

As for masks, I'm still trying to identify mine.  I have found this the hardest concept to grasp.  I've never consciously put on an act for NTs I don't think, but I am sure I have deployed a fair few exhausting compensation strategies to ease communication with them in my time.  I like catching myself out with one because I can add it to the box labelled: 'my choice' as to whether I do this or not for their benefit today.  That's empowering. Otherwise, I guess I never minded much that people thought me quirky for 56 years.  Maybe I was just lucky to be mostly around people who didn't mind either. 

Welcome Abbie.  Well done for being able to find your core self so young.  It took until my early 50's to achieve that !  You write very resonantly above - and that helps me proffer advice, for what that might be worth to you.  So, here goes;

1.  If you are very good at intellectualising yourself, I think you are well advised to pursue some form of spirituality to prevent yourself from driving yourself mad with that !  Find some sort of spiritual path, or two, or three.....investigate some of the ancient knowledge past down from our forefathers.  That doesn't need to be "religion" in the Normie sense of the word - you can define it however you like.  I have an acquaintance who refers to themselves as a JewBu = jewish and buddish, although I don't think they are either in a Normie sense.  Task you brain with looking outwards to understand your inward - don't fall into the trap of always looking inwards!

2. Don't rush to change yourself and your interactions with everybody else.  You already sound pretty impressively centred to me.  Knowledge is power - you have that power now, doesn't mean others need to fully appreciate it.  Tread softly and gently...I made the mistake of getting caught up in the revelatory excitement of "knowing" expecting everyone else to somehow be excited - generally they are not, in fact, many may well remain sceptical and/or treat you less kindly.  I understand from these pages that this is not an uncommon experience.

3. Like you, I would LOVE there to be some type of therapy / service to help......I'm not sure there actually is.  Perhaps if you had got a diagnosis when you were still deemed a kid by the Normie construct, you would have found things.  From what I can gather from these pages, the adult folk are depressingly in agreement that services and help is simply not out there.  If you do find some PLEASE tell us all!

4. Be prepared for the deflationary "crash."  The sense of "other-worldliness" you describe in your writing above passes quite quickly and you are potentially left thinking "well what the hell is the use of having this bloody diagnosis anyway?"  Do not despair at that time - there are a million and one reasons why your diagnosis is overwhelming important to you....just not necessarily to anyone else!  Be prepared for that.

5. Masking is exhausting and unhealthy - but just like weaning yourself off anything else, be careful with reducing your "dosage" of masking.  Do it too quickly as you might scare yourself and others unnecessarily.  Take it steady.

That's me all "tapped out."  I hope some of that might prove helpful to you either now or in the near future.

I hope you will stick around this place and hang out - from what you have written above, I think you will be able to find useful like-minded souls to keep you company.  This place has been critical to keeping me sane!

Best wishes to you Abbie.  I am Number.

Hi first congratulations on your diagnosis, I'm still waiting,  I totally agree CBT  is not always helpful  for  autistic people,  as yet  I have had no autism counseling as I haven't been diagnosed, anyway I have been marsking for more than 50 years so I  don't know  what's what, but what I have  found is that when I'm on my own and indulging in special interests I  drop the  marsk, so I I'm starting to recognise the marsk with the thought if I can identify it maybe this might help me,  with  stimming I've been using fidget tools wich helps, and then  to start with on my own allowing the  stimmas to just happen, know something  I just start stimming without even  noticing,  I don't know if this is  any help or just ramblings. 

Hi, 

CBT seems to be the go-to therapy offered, maybe as it’s got a better evidence-base, I’m not sure. I’ve had loads of it, and know everything they will say. Still, it’s often helpful anyway. I’ve also had sessions with a clinical psychologist who discussed my childhood more which was very useful. That’s what I would suggest, someone who will discuss your past and help you to make sense of it if that’s what you want. If you’re going private, you should be able to dictate more what you are given.

Hopefully, you will be able to find a therapist who specialises in ASD. I’m sure that would be beneficial. I’m not sure of how to find one privately  as I’ve always used the NHS and have good access to other support through my workplace. 

I stim in public; done it quite a bit, when younger. Anxiety makes my skin creep.