Recently diagnosed - No idea who I am any more

aye, it could be that all special historic people that said or did great things were all some product of one personality disorder or another..... i mean, come on, whoever created religion was clearly schizophrenic, seeing and speaking to things that isnt there and convincing others that its real lol

AuTriker said:

I think clinical depression is not the same as not being content with life.

This. These are two quite different things. Though this discussion perhaps could be continued in another thread.

To return toCamille's original post - the "deep dark dissociative space" that you speak of might be temporary. Make a note of when it started - and if it continues for a substantial amount of time, seek help - family, friends, here, and/or professional.

While depression and anxiety might be generally representative of modernity, it does not have to personally be your norm.

I'm sorry you're feeling so like this. It can take a long time to get your head round but don't worry you will :) 

I think clinical depression is not the same as not being content with life. Clinically depressed people do not always have life reasons for it. If a person does have actual reasons for being depressed I have heard they sometimes can't get treatment for it!

I think you are right about dissatisfaction being a strong driver. Also about people who think deeply being change-makers and also feeling depressed. But that doesn't mean what is diagnosed as clinical depression is that change-making dissatisfaction. 

What if those deep thinking change-makers were autistic and that is why they were deep thinkers and also why they were depressed?! Isn't Elon Musk autistic?

hardships do promote change though. it took world wars to get human tech level to were it is now....

humans thrive on adversity and negative things.... it takes set backs for us to drive forward.... if everything was always good and smelling of roses we wouldnt have any drive or reason to change or better ourselves, wed have stayed in our caves for eternity happy and content with the way the world and life is.... depression is not being content... and when your not content it drives change and a desire for things to change to create this better world to try make it less rubbish. triumph through adversity is humanities core feature and reason for our more developed brain. depressed people also think on things more and are very reflective and deep thinkers, this deep thinking promotes brain growth and the thought center in the brain.... every single philosopher you may find was depressed, most scientists are likely also very depressed. i bet elon musk is depressed and thinks on life and humanity and reasons to exist alot, which is why he gets driven to selfless expand humanity to try make us a space faring civilisation.

the whole depression part and withdrawl of depression... it is very superficial and common thats its the only part people know without having had it. perhaps depression actually doesnt exist and your actually just seeing the world for how it actually is, ***... and in need of change... and it dawns on you that your too tiny and weak to do any change... but perhaps so much thought you make a personal change instead and perhaps snowball it if your as smart as elon musk and then can make a bigger change. theres alot more to it though than the stereotype soccer mom commonly overused and abused "sad" aspects and tired and withdrawn... but perhaps those aspects thus require self reflection and thought on it which comes from being depressed long term enough to think on it and been through constant never ending cycles of it to the point you then think.... wait a minute.... this now feels good, this makes me feel alive even, accepting it sorta even...  dont take pills, accept it, its natural, its normal, its part of your humanity, it feels good to let it out, it feels good to embrace it, dont run away from it. accept and embrace it and then think more on it, let it carry you in its arms, dont fight the flow of the tide youd only drown, relax and let the tide take you away safely..... or something lol

I have a better understanding of this now. I think among other things, it's a very strong need for things to be RIGHT. As I'm addressing this and having talked to someone about it, I think it's feeding into being more aware of when I'm being hard on myself. And now I'm more aware of it and can recognise when it happens, I can take some of the pressure off myself.

I think this is where some of the masking comes from in social interactions. That the interactions need to be correct. But only in my eyes. Exhausting.  Now I adopt a bit more of a *** it attitude. For most people interactions are a transient thing and it doesn't actually matter if a bit of something goes wrong.

Autonomistic said:

Many masking behaviours start in childhood and therefore become automatic and part of who you are. Trying to strip all that away can feel like what is left is just an empty shell. The sense of emptiness and not knowing who I am anymore came later for me. It seems that you've hit this stage quite early in your journey. 

It will take time. I am talking years, not weeks or months. During that time it is important to accept whatever you are feeling as valid. Everyone has a unique post diagnostic discovery journey. You may experience some or all of the stages in no particular order. You may alternate between them. A diagnosis is a huge life change to process. Allow yourself the time and the space to adjust.

This is really well put.

Unknown said:

If you're anything like me, you are probably really hard on yourself. I think there's a process people often go through and one of the stages is acceptance of yourself

Though it can take time, it might be worthwhile finding out what is the root need to be really hard on yourself. Where does this motivation come from? What impact does it have? Is there something unaddressed?

Caelus said:

depression in ancient times when there is no modern luxuries or safety or entertainment or way to lose ourselves from the world would likely be much different perhaps..... such as becoming a drive for change

I am not sure how helpful is this very romanticised view of both depression and the past. Mental illness in any era, for the majority of people, is not a drive for change.

aye modern depression you can safely lock yourself up and do nothing and achieve nothing..... depression in ancient times when there is no modern luxuries or safety or entertainment or way to lose ourselves from the world would likely be much different perhaps..... such as becoming a drive for change.

although even now it can have a chance of rolling that drive for change. i never bothered with a job for years but then i did get a period of depression and in depression you think alot and that thinking made me consider i need to get a social life and people do that by getting a job, so it forced me to go against my norm and get a job and thus it advanced me and pushed me in the right direction.... although you can argue it probably was the cause of me actually not getting a job for like 20 years or so in the first place perhaps too lol .....so its a double edged blade that can sway either way in its effect.

Have you tried this test which is about masking?

embrace-autism.com/.../

A lot is about learning my limits and when and how I can push myself and when I get overloaded. I've had numerous periods of burnout in my life and I don't want to go there again, but I also want to live as full a life as I can and not feel I have to stay in my room all the time to avoid burnout.

In particular, I'd like to socialise more, but I struggle to work out how to do it (social skills), and how to do it safely (avoiding burnout).

Beyond that, I'm just trying to find coping strategies and workarounds for things I find hard.

Your experience is common. But you are today exactly who you've been all your life. You just now have an explanation for it. But indeed it does take a while to wrap your head around.

You're so right!

Autonomistic said:

I started re-examining past events through my new found autistic lens.

yes yes - 34 years to get through 

Autonomistic said:

The article explains that the 'depression' you are experiencing may actually be autistic burnout. You may have been masking and no longer have the energy or the inclination to do so.

Thank you so much for this article, I'm going to read it later as burnout is something I frequently experience, but the lack of energy for masking definitely sounds like what I'm also going through currently, post-diagnosis

Autonomistic said:

 I found that I seemed to become more avoidant and anxious about talking to people post diagnosis, not less as I expected. I think this was because I started to become much more self aware and observing my own behaviour, to try and understand how I was masking.

A hundred percent! I almost feel ashamed at my expectations of being able to talk to people with more confidence, whereas it's the exact opposite. Very interesting how others experience nearly exactly the same symptoms. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your response

Thank you for replying - while it is painful and unexpectedly hard, I do find it comforting to know it's not just me! may I ask what things you're still dealing with and learning about 18 months on? No pressure if it's too personal, I just really appreciate others' perspectives

As soon as you said you’re hard on yourself I bawled. I’m exactly the same and have been told as such but don’t know how to stop that behaviour as I don’t even realise I’m doing it, or what that manifests as. The masking thing is really a prominent part of my struggles too and I’m desperate to learn more about it as I think it will help me be more authentically me, and hopefully equal less social stress

The ongoing emotional impact of a diagnosis is something that they don't warn you about at the diagnostic appointment, not in my experience anyway. Like you my initial reaction was euphoric relief. 

What I wasn't expecting was the emotional rollercoaster it led to. The positive sense of relief subsided and I started to experience more negative emotions. A sense of anger at why it hadn't been identified sooner. A sense of loss at how my life could have been different if I'd known when I was younger. I started re-examining past events through my new found autistic lens.

There is a useful article here, showing some common reactions to a diagnosis https://aucademy.co.uk/2022/01/20/six-common-reactions-during-autistic-discovery/

The article explains that the 'depression' you are experiencing may actually be autistic burnout. You may have been masking and no longer have the energy or the inclination to do so.

The trouble is that identifying what is masking and what isn't can be difficult. I found that I seemed to become more avoidant and anxious about talking to people post diagnosis, not less as I expected. I think this was because I started to become much more self aware and observing my own behaviour, to try and understand how I was masking.

Many masking behaviours start in childhood and therefore become automatic and part of who you are. Trying to strip all that away can feel like what is left is just an empty shell. The sense of emptiness and not knowing who I am anymore came later for me. It seems that you've hit this stage quite early in your journey. 

It will take time. I am talking years, not weeks or months. During that time it is important to accept whatever you are feeling as valid. Everyone has a unique post diagnostic discovery journey. You may experience some or all of the stages in no particular order. You may alternate between them. A diagnosis is a huge life change to process. Allow yourself the time and the space to adjust.

That does make a lot of sense, thank you so much. It’s quite overwhelming how many people on here understand me - I’ve barely said anything and you all get it! I can’t spell it but the term above is something I have heard of, and I will take your advice and read up a little more about it. Thank you

Well coping mechanisms aren’t really present apart from detaching from everything - detaching from people, unable to mask etc. one thing that really helps me is cleaning my house and getting on top of life admin, so I’ve been doing that over the weekend and it does help me. Thanks for talking with me