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Discussing issues with my friends who have "normal" children

coolcazzie

Hi, this is my first post.

My son is four he has been diagnosed with an ASD since Feb 2011 and with AS since December. He is doing fine, he is very bright, he is gorgeous, he is enjoying school (he has one on one support).

I have been very depressed and isolated but this has got better since discovering my local branch of NAS as there are so many activities! We left both music and gym clubs that catered for non-special needs children; this was depressing - it was also depressing as my son was a "biter" at this time. Now I feel there ARE things out there where my son can participate.

We are also a member of a small church and I have made plenty of aquaintances and friends at the church. Quite a number of the people have children - especially boys - of a similar age to my son. When we first moved here 3 years ago there were plenty of playdates and party invitiations but they have basically fizzled out. I think children do like my son but get bewildered when he does not reciprocate.

I was with a group of friends from church yesterday and talk moved to best friends and playdates and sleepovers and who was friends with whom at school etc. This talk went on for a long time and I began to feel quite distressed. In the end I said, gently and calmly, with a smile, that my son does not have friends, nor playdates.

One lady moved off, another said nothing, and the third was very sympathetic saying that "oh it's just a matter of time once he finds someone he's got something in common with". I felt then what an enormous gulf there is and how different my life is from the lives of these other people with their bright smiles and jolly sleepover stories. I did explain that when they get to 8 or 9 children with AS can get interest-related friendships but before that it is ery difficult. I said that inflexibiity can make it difficult to maintain friendships.  

The trouble is that the town is very small and also about 12 miles from the nearest centre, where the NAS branch is. It is a long drive down country lanes to get to the branch actitivites and expensive on petrol. This makes me feel support is a long way away. I can't get to branch meetings as my son only does mornings at school, they are in the afternoon; perhaps when he goes full time I can meet other likeminded adults.

Does anyone have any other suggestions how I can find friends I have something in common with, and to cope with my feelings of being left out? 

 

  • enjoy your son for who he is, enjoy the time you have with him, playing games and activitys at the church, as long as your both happy, and you see the smile on your sons face that fills your heart, dont worry about what other parents are saying about sleepovers the inportant thing is yourself and your son, dont let things like that get to you, the most inportant thing is your son just wants his mum for company your his world , keep your chin up

  •  Hi Kalojaro

     

    Thank you for your reply. It is good to hear the Aspie perspective. Congratulations on your diagnosis, I hope it brings the answers you are looking for.

    I feel relieved that my son is not "missing out" by not having playdates. If he is not interested, then why try to force him. I think a part of me was thinking with social practice his skills would improv and then he would be clamouring for playdates. I think if I am realistic this is not going to happen - he loves his own company (and his parents of course) but seems to see other children as another species altogether ;-) He is happiest inventing things and playing with his musical toys.

    The church is tricky; I do feel we don't quite fit in. It *is* a community. Mostly my son wants to do the activities and learn what he wants to learn. He finds the games and stuff go right over his head. The other parents drop off their children but I stay with my son at the church activities. We have a lovely time together. As I said I do feel jealous of the other mums talking about playdates, and I will find a more positive choice of words as you suggested - as I think my son is gorgeous, perfect and am so glad I have him! I wouldn;t have him any other way.

    Best wishes,

    coolcazzie

     

  • Can I reiterate what KaloJaro says about church based communities. They do seem to live up to the New Testament letters and other biblical texts about excluding difference, and nothing in modern christianity seems to resolve this (thinking of others gets confined to the charity box and where the money goes from summer fete, not actual members being needy).

    That shouldn't be seen as a generalisation. Some church communities are fine. Nonconformist churches are generally better. It is the local community attitudes within one given church that seem to be the issue, and that can be more entrenched in rural communities. That can happen to NTs who just find they cannot fit into a certain church based community, but if they move to another church everything goes fine.

    Its a bit like the advice to consumers of retail products - shop around. Is it the only church in your community?

    I do worry about some evangelical groups who seem to collect disability as some sort of tokenism of their self assessed goodness that doesn't always work out in real terms. But I may be being unfair. I've encountered some like that, others may be fine.

    Churches are buildings used by people. Its the attitudes of a given cohort of people that are the problem. Sounds like this church community is not friendly to "outsiders" which term includes any kind of difference or disability.

  • Hiya,

    I'm an aspie myself, but wasn't diagnosed until a few months ago (at 17).

    There's no reason to feel upset that your son doesn't have 'playdates'. If he was particularily fond of a friend he'd most likely bring up the subject himself. The truth is, many with AS are perfectly happy being by themselves. Keeping a friend is emotionally painful, confusing, and often not worth the effort (in my mind).

    I used to (and still do) react negatively to any 'friends' from school being invited over to my home for a 'playdate'. I would usually end up ignoring the other child completely after a brief attempt to play. Simply put I'd lose interest or get upset because I didn't want them there. So don't get too worked up. Your son may be just as happy as I am keeping his friends at school, and as he grows older, he may bring a few more trusted ones home.

    The problem with 'normal' people, especially those more inclined to relgions such as Christianity (got nothing against them, only speaking from experience with my rather strict Christian aunt) is that they are based upon one key thing: community. And when one small piece of the 'community' doesn't fit in, they grow concerned or uncomfortable, often dealing with the situation by trying to ignore it. My aunt still refuses to acknowledge any of my difficulties regarding socialising.

    What I've noticed my mum to do is that when overwhelmed by conversations that have notions I don't 'live up to', she either steers them away, or states in a dismissive manner that I'm just not into that sort of thing, before listing off all of my funny 'quirks' or achievements that many of the other parents' children have yet to comprehend. e.g. I could write my name and home phone number before I began nursery.

    As for friends, I'm sure you'll find some on this site. :)

    And I'm not trying to be condescending or anything, but don't you have a particular best friend out of all your friends that you can confide in? Sorry but even I would never walk away from a friend purely because of a difference in their sibling/child that I don't understand. Perhaps tell them that how they reacted made you uncomfortable?

    But as I said, I'm sure you'll find tons of parents of kids with AS on here that will happily be your friend and offer much better advice.

    Hope things work out.