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Discussing issues with my friends who have "normal" children

coolcazzie

Hi, this is my first post.

My son is four he has been diagnosed with an ASD since Feb 2011 and with AS since December. He is doing fine, he is very bright, he is gorgeous, he is enjoying school (he has one on one support).

I have been very depressed and isolated but this has got better since discovering my local branch of NAS as there are so many activities! We left both music and gym clubs that catered for non-special needs children; this was depressing - it was also depressing as my son was a "biter" at this time. Now I feel there ARE things out there where my son can participate.

We are also a member of a small church and I have made plenty of aquaintances and friends at the church. Quite a number of the people have children - especially boys - of a similar age to my son. When we first moved here 3 years ago there were plenty of playdates and party invitiations but they have basically fizzled out. I think children do like my son but get bewildered when he does not reciprocate.

I was with a group of friends from church yesterday and talk moved to best friends and playdates and sleepovers and who was friends with whom at school etc. This talk went on for a long time and I began to feel quite distressed. In the end I said, gently and calmly, with a smile, that my son does not have friends, nor playdates.

One lady moved off, another said nothing, and the third was very sympathetic saying that "oh it's just a matter of time once he finds someone he's got something in common with". I felt then what an enormous gulf there is and how different my life is from the lives of these other people with their bright smiles and jolly sleepover stories. I did explain that when they get to 8 or 9 children with AS can get interest-related friendships but before that it is ery difficult. I said that inflexibiity can make it difficult to maintain friendships.  

The trouble is that the town is very small and also about 12 miles from the nearest centre, where the NAS branch is. It is a long drive down country lanes to get to the branch actitivites and expensive on petrol. This makes me feel support is a long way away. I can't get to branch meetings as my son only does mornings at school, they are in the afternoon; perhaps when he goes full time I can meet other likeminded adults.

Does anyone have any other suggestions how I can find friends I have something in common with, and to cope with my feelings of being left out? 

 

Parents

  • Can I reiterate what KaloJaro says about church based communities. They do seem to live up to the New Testament letters and other biblical texts about excluding difference, and nothing in modern christianity seems to resolve this (thinking of others gets confined to the charity box and where the money goes from summer fete, not actual members being needy).

    That shouldn't be seen as a generalisation. Some church communities are fine. Nonconformist churches are generally better. It is the local community attitudes within one given church that seem to be the issue, and that can be more entrenched in rural communities. That can happen to NTs who just find they cannot fit into a certain church based community, but if they move to another church everything goes fine.

    Its a bit like the advice to consumers of retail products - shop around. Is it the only church in your community?

    I do worry about some evangelical groups who seem to collect disability as some sort of tokenism of their self assessed goodness that doesn't always work out in real terms. But I may be being unfair. I've encountered some like that, others may be fine.

    Churches are buildings used by people. Its the attitudes of a given cohort of people that are the problem. Sounds like this church community is not friendly to "outsiders" which term includes any kind of difference or disability.

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  • Can I reiterate what KaloJaro says about church based communities. They do seem to live up to the New Testament letters and other biblical texts about excluding difference, and nothing in modern christianity seems to resolve this (thinking of others gets confined to the charity box and where the money goes from summer fete, not actual members being needy).

    That shouldn't be seen as a generalisation. Some church communities are fine. Nonconformist churches are generally better. It is the local community attitudes within one given church that seem to be the issue, and that can be more entrenched in rural communities. That can happen to NTs who just find they cannot fit into a certain church based community, but if they move to another church everything goes fine.

    Its a bit like the advice to consumers of retail products - shop around. Is it the only church in your community?

    I do worry about some evangelical groups who seem to collect disability as some sort of tokenism of their self assessed goodness that doesn't always work out in real terms. But I may be being unfair. I've encountered some like that, others may be fine.

    Churches are buildings used by people. Its the attitudes of a given cohort of people that are the problem. Sounds like this church community is not friendly to "outsiders" which term includes any kind of difference or disability.

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