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Discussing issues with my friends who have "normal" children

coolcazzie

Hi, this is my first post.

My son is four he has been diagnosed with an ASD since Feb 2011 and with AS since December. He is doing fine, he is very bright, he is gorgeous, he is enjoying school (he has one on one support).

I have been very depressed and isolated but this has got better since discovering my local branch of NAS as there are so many activities! We left both music and gym clubs that catered for non-special needs children; this was depressing - it was also depressing as my son was a "biter" at this time. Now I feel there ARE things out there where my son can participate.

We are also a member of a small church and I have made plenty of aquaintances and friends at the church. Quite a number of the people have children - especially boys - of a similar age to my son. When we first moved here 3 years ago there were plenty of playdates and party invitiations but they have basically fizzled out. I think children do like my son but get bewildered when he does not reciprocate.

I was with a group of friends from church yesterday and talk moved to best friends and playdates and sleepovers and who was friends with whom at school etc. This talk went on for a long time and I began to feel quite distressed. In the end I said, gently and calmly, with a smile, that my son does not have friends, nor playdates.

One lady moved off, another said nothing, and the third was very sympathetic saying that "oh it's just a matter of time once he finds someone he's got something in common with". I felt then what an enormous gulf there is and how different my life is from the lives of these other people with their bright smiles and jolly sleepover stories. I did explain that when they get to 8 or 9 children with AS can get interest-related friendships but before that it is ery difficult. I said that inflexibiity can make it difficult to maintain friendships.  

The trouble is that the town is very small and also about 12 miles from the nearest centre, where the NAS branch is. It is a long drive down country lanes to get to the branch actitivites and expensive on petrol. This makes me feel support is a long way away. I can't get to branch meetings as my son only does mornings at school, they are in the afternoon; perhaps when he goes full time I can meet other likeminded adults.

Does anyone have any other suggestions how I can find friends I have something in common with, and to cope with my feelings of being left out? 

 

Parents

  • Hiya,

    I'm an aspie myself, but wasn't diagnosed until a few months ago (at 17).

    There's no reason to feel upset that your son doesn't have 'playdates'. If he was particularily fond of a friend he'd most likely bring up the subject himself. The truth is, many with AS are perfectly happy being by themselves. Keeping a friend is emotionally painful, confusing, and often not worth the effort (in my mind).

    I used to (and still do) react negatively to any 'friends' from school being invited over to my home for a 'playdate'. I would usually end up ignoring the other child completely after a brief attempt to play. Simply put I'd lose interest or get upset because I didn't want them there. So don't get too worked up. Your son may be just as happy as I am keeping his friends at school, and as he grows older, he may bring a few more trusted ones home.

    The problem with 'normal' people, especially those more inclined to relgions such as Christianity (got nothing against them, only speaking from experience with my rather strict Christian aunt) is that they are based upon one key thing: community. And when one small piece of the 'community' doesn't fit in, they grow concerned or uncomfortable, often dealing with the situation by trying to ignore it. My aunt still refuses to acknowledge any of my difficulties regarding socialising.

    What I've noticed my mum to do is that when overwhelmed by conversations that have notions I don't 'live up to', she either steers them away, or states in a dismissive manner that I'm just not into that sort of thing, before listing off all of my funny 'quirks' or achievements that many of the other parents' children have yet to comprehend. e.g. I could write my name and home phone number before I began nursery.

    As for friends, I'm sure you'll find some on this site. :)

    And I'm not trying to be condescending or anything, but don't you have a particular best friend out of all your friends that you can confide in? Sorry but even I would never walk away from a friend purely because of a difference in their sibling/child that I don't understand. Perhaps tell them that how they reacted made you uncomfortable?

    But as I said, I'm sure you'll find tons of parents of kids with AS on here that will happily be your friend and offer much better advice.

    Hope things work out.

Reply

  • Hiya,

    I'm an aspie myself, but wasn't diagnosed until a few months ago (at 17).

    There's no reason to feel upset that your son doesn't have 'playdates'. If he was particularily fond of a friend he'd most likely bring up the subject himself. The truth is, many with AS are perfectly happy being by themselves. Keeping a friend is emotionally painful, confusing, and often not worth the effort (in my mind).

    I used to (and still do) react negatively to any 'friends' from school being invited over to my home for a 'playdate'. I would usually end up ignoring the other child completely after a brief attempt to play. Simply put I'd lose interest or get upset because I didn't want them there. So don't get too worked up. Your son may be just as happy as I am keeping his friends at school, and as he grows older, he may bring a few more trusted ones home.

    The problem with 'normal' people, especially those more inclined to relgions such as Christianity (got nothing against them, only speaking from experience with my rather strict Christian aunt) is that they are based upon one key thing: community. And when one small piece of the 'community' doesn't fit in, they grow concerned or uncomfortable, often dealing with the situation by trying to ignore it. My aunt still refuses to acknowledge any of my difficulties regarding socialising.

    What I've noticed my mum to do is that when overwhelmed by conversations that have notions I don't 'live up to', she either steers them away, or states in a dismissive manner that I'm just not into that sort of thing, before listing off all of my funny 'quirks' or achievements that many of the other parents' children have yet to comprehend. e.g. I could write my name and home phone number before I began nursery.

    As for friends, I'm sure you'll find some on this site. :)

    And I'm not trying to be condescending or anything, but don't you have a particular best friend out of all your friends that you can confide in? Sorry but even I would never walk away from a friend purely because of a difference in their sibling/child that I don't understand. Perhaps tell them that how they reacted made you uncomfortable?

    But as I said, I'm sure you'll find tons of parents of kids with AS on here that will happily be your friend and offer much better advice.

    Hope things work out.

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