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Intimidation

Rocketgirl

A couple of nights ago my adult son who has Aspergers (he's 24) had a massive outburst about current political topic. He had an argument on Facebook with someone and he was extremely angry. He is very passionate about the topic and it feels very personal to him. He started shouting etc (no violence) to which his stepfather reacted and was in his face shouting back - the worst possible scenario! This lasted for about 5 minutes even though it seemed like eternity at the time. I tried to stop him and pulled him away but it was too late, the 'damage's been done. my son then launched a series of insults and luckily had no response to that.

Now two days later my son is even angrier than before, he won't even speak to me. My husband is struggling with accepting that my son has all the difficulties associated with Aspergers; he acknowledges everything and seems understanding but when we are in a sticky situation he seems to forget everything I tell him. I don't know what to do. I'm caught in the middle and am being blamed by both sides. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to defuse the situation and help. I'm at the end of my tether and don't know what to do

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Try this link for a few previoius posts

    http://community.autism.org.uk/search/node/%22stuck%20in%20the%20middle%22 

    (If you search for a phrase then you have to use quote marks)

  • I have Asperger's and have ended up shouting and screaming at my parents. Part of the problem, I think, is my parents not really understanding my condition. They will shout, get angry, stressed or intrusively question me, and this sensorily overwhelms me, so I snap back and then this makes them even more angry, and I then become even more overwhelmed and so it goes on. Also, being very sensitive and having quite low self esteem because of my social failings, any perceived criticism or a single word can make me explode quite uncontrollably. Unfortunately my parents have said things in the past, under stress, that I can't forget, and so when they get angry or stressed all my negative memories of being a different and an outsider come flooding back. Unfortunately I was diagnosed very late and my parents still often make mistakes in how how they communicate with me, despite understanding autism on a theoretical level.

  • Hi, This happens in our household from time to time.  What I've learnt over the years is that when I see a situation coming on where my son is getting upset when he's arguing a topic, I have to stay calm and let him go off on one without responding.  He'll say all he needs to say on that and then it's over.  Then when he's calm, I can talk to him about what behaviour is acceptable an what isn't. This doesn't often happen because I get involved in the argument or tell him off for his behaviour.  In those situations, it ends up like the one you've described.  If it's my husband arguing with my son, I have to pull my husband away and remind him of our son's issues and ask him to walk away.  My son will often then storm off to his room.  If I leave him to cool off a bit, I can go to him and give him a hug and talk the situation over.  He'll tell me why he feels he was treated badly and I will apologise for that, saying I see his point but that it didn't come across like that; and then I will explain why we got angry with him and he apologises.  I hope that helps in some way.  Usually, when I get the bottom of the outburst there's a logical explaination for it and I see how he sees things differently.

  • Thanks a lot for your response. I did try to find something along the similar lines before posting but couldn't find anything. I used search engine but nothing even remotely similar came up. 

  • Hi.  There are a number of similar posts on here about a parent who sometimes appears to understand more than they do.  Check them out.  I suppose who can know the theory, it's putting it into practice that can be difficult.  Your husband responded as some non autistic fathers might do to a non autistic son.  You might get accused of "being too soft" or similar because of this frame of mind.  If he's amenable, show him info on this site or get a professional who really understands autism to talk to him.  He needs to be willing as this situation cd well happen again. Also talk to your son to try to explain why things developed the way they did.  A lot of posters will have experienced "being stuck in the middle". Not a pleasant place to be.