Published on 12, July, 2020
Our high functioning 14 year old grandson to whom we are legal guardians is pulling our house down around our ears! We get damage when he is in meltdown and we get damage when he is happy or bored (usually sensory issues) and its becoming harder and harder to keep a decent home around us.
Goodness knows I'm no longer houseproud...that was beaten out of me years ago but we are finding it hard to keep just the neccessities that you would keep around any home. Anything that isn't huge gets hurled at walls and down the stairs, anything huge will often get tipped over (wardrobes etc). Glasses, cups, saucers, plates, doors get kicked and split, lining paper (we don't wallpaper anymore just paint over the lining paper) gets stripped off, the stair carpet got ruined when he threw a pot of paint down the stairs that hit the stairwell and exploded everywhere. We eventually got the insurance to pay out for about half of what we needed to get redecorated and a new stair and landing carpet but within a week of the new one being down our grandson had started to pull tufts out with his teeth (never done that before). Now the stair carpet is balding badly all the way down on the edge of the steps. Yesterday morning he wanted something that was being washed in the washing machine and wouldn't wait....he broke the washing machine trying to get it out...new washing machine bought same day. If another person tells me that they can't see how an autistic child is more expensive to raise than a NT child I will spit in their eye!!! We pile our possessions into rooms that we keep locked to protect them or they wont last five minutes. Its hard to remember to lock the doors behind you in your own home. This week's tally of damages are: one washing machine, a broken printer, numerous paving slabs in the garden (broke into the shed and got a hammer out) items of his own clothing (thread pulling until the item falls apart, and the top to a George Forman grill. Last week there was stuff broken and next week will be no different I shoudn't think. This year so far we have had salt poured into my steam iron, a hose pipe turned on a poked through the boiler vent outside flooding the boiler and kitchen, a hole burned in his roller blind ( he found the one fire lighter we have hidden in a top locker in the kitchen) and a patch of his carpet melted, the plastic coating on my airer melted, the arial on my digital radio snapped off and chewed (would you believe), various things drawn on or snipped when he found some scissors, my lovely polished floorboards in the bathroom pulled to pieces (he found a crack and started work on it), a broken shower, and various broken locks where he has kicked doors in to find things he wants. And.....amazingly we are still sane...well sort of haaaaaa.
Hi Longman,
I found your response to be fascinating and most informative. As our grandson attends an additional needs school, his classmates have varying levels of difficulty and they exhibit some similar behaviours. I think the question here should be not, is he being bulled but rather 'does he have the concept that he is being bullied?' I think he might. He frequently tells us that other boys have been horrible to him...but of course he is quite capable of behaving in exactly the same way himself and has. he isn't being bullied out in public as he can't go out alone yet...he will tend to run off. He also calls us bullies because we insist that he conforms to the house rules for the safety of all of us. We are very caring but if we refuse to allow him to do what he wants he will accuse us of being harsh and cruel. Your final paragraph rings very true to us. He isn't violent at all as school but most days will come home with steam coming out of his ears ready to start banging around and swearing about something that somebody has said or done.
14 is a tricky age for any child let alone one on the autistic spectrum. Non-autistic children can discuss things with their peers (not necessarily accurately!). Someone on the spectrum cannot, and will have great difficulty picking up on collective knowledge, and will be laughed at for trying.
Which leads to a second point - bullying. Do you know if he is being bullied? I don't mean big boys extorting pocket money. If you are different (as different as autism makes you) you get picked on, ridiculed, teased and excluded by nearly everyone. Not just at school but on the way home from school, if he goes anywhere on his own. He may be being picked on if he goes to a shop, or a play area.
Meltdowns are likely for a 14 year old on the spectrum. However the extreme frequency you describe, and other behaviours, suggest he is in a constant state of confusion and frustration with his surroundings, and the way other people treat him. He may have difficulty squaring your efforts to help with other children's efforts to wind him up, simply because he cannot process the information sufficiently to make distinctions.
Also peer pressure may mean he has to try to keep reactions low profile to prevent people taking advantage of this at school. That means home is relatively safe from peer pressure and being seen having meltdowns and that's where he lets go of his frustration.
And yes, we had to cope with broken everything! Even bleach thrown at me, when I was cleaning the bathroom toilet.
Blossom I am afraid we have been where you are. Sadly it ended up with foster son being taen from us by police when he was holding a knife to my throat after he had knocked me to the floor breaking my nose. He was 14 at the time. I had to phone 999 on my mobile as there was no other person within ear shot. I also have autism, and knew that this was really his last chance, I didn't want to phone for help, but had to or I think I would have been dead. I remember saying to the police, the back door is unlocked, so they didn't have to break down our front door! Today, D is 33. He has just rung me this mrning to ask where a place was where he has an interview. He has two kids, both autistic, but doing OK with a loving mum and dad. D came back to us at 17. He knew that there were boundaries, but loved hugs, and we were always the people to give him hugs, even when he had to go to the secure children's home. Please accept a hug from me too. I don't give them to all people, as I hate touch, but I feel you need one at this moment. Do take care of yourself. You will be needed for many years to come, not just this one.
Margaret
What my rather frantic message (just post new washing machine purchase) didn't convey last night is how bright, affectionate and loving our grandson is. He hasn't had the best start in life and we are his only chance of a normal loving home so it isn't something we would ever give up lightly until we have exhausted all other possibilities. Our home is where he feels the safest and that's where most of this behaviour happens. He is a pretty big team around him considering how hard it is to get proper support these days. He has a psychiatrist and a social worker plus the pastoral team at his additional needs school are wonderful. We also have Fire Brigade involved and the police with their preventative schemes. We are in the early stages of seeing some sort of control when it comes to hitting us. I am afraid that medication is going to be inevitable now but its unlikely to help with the non agressive violence that we get which, by far an away outstrips the aggressive. Is anyone else out there coping with damage of this magnitude?
Some autistic children are too disturbed and difficult to keep at home. He has choices and you have choices too. Does he behave with this lack of control at school or other people's houses or does he only do it at home? Would he prefer to stay at home on condition that he is less destructive or would he prefer to live in an institution? I suspect if he is getting to the stage where you have locks on doors and this sort of behaviour is common then he must be on the verge of being unmanagable.
Have you got social services involved? What support are you getting?