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Should we tell our teen she could be autistic

Late discovered mum

I’m autistic, diagnosed in my late 40s, and think our two teen daughters might also be autistic. They struggle with anxiety, have really struggled starting secondary school, sensory issues, just like to be at home… the signs are obvious to me and they know I am autistic. It seems like a no brainer that I should raise with them that their struggles could be because they too could be autistic.

However, I’m worried that this might make them feel worse about themselves, when they’re already suffering with really low self esteem. They are teenage girls after all, so many go through that anyway, now magnified by social media. 

I would love to hear about your experience of this and specifically any negative outcomes. I can see all the positives. I’m worried about the negatives and whether you have experience of discussing this with your teen having a negative effect. 

  • Do they know you are autistic? Just having some open conversations about that might help, and maybe mention some of your positives and some challenges. I’m late diagnosed so have warned my adult children to watch out for themselves as autism is genetic! 

  • Hi Late discovered mum,

    I do not have children so cannot offer advice from that perspective, but I was just diagnosed at 41, and essentially just found out my parents knew but never discussed it with me or arranged any support. Looking back I would have really appreciated a conversation as it would have helped with me understanding why I struggled with some things and maybe meant I did not give myself such a hard time. 

    Also you sound like you just want to support them however you can which is great as not everyone has that growing up. I would say you know your children best and if you think an open conversation about the signs you have noticed would benefit them, go for it as they have you in their corner to help deal with anything that comes from it. 

    Hope that is of some help

  • Hi,   I found an article on the site, which may be helpful for you. Telling your daughters what you suspect may be helpful,  but I think it's also important,  or maybe even the most important thing- to ask and listen to them, to find out, how they really feel. Are they struggling with their traits, do they enjoy the way they are or do they feel that something is off. I feel that something is wrong since ever.

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/diagnosis/before-diagnosis/how-to-bring-up-that-you-think-someone-may-be-auti

    Your daughters know about your diagnosis,  so there us a chance, that they made some research and found themselves in that description. I don't know, maybe you would need someone's help, maybe a therapist to talk to them. 

  • in reply to Expecto_Patronum

    Me too.

    Maybe your daughter is wondering if she's autistic and how to bring it up with you?

  • Hi and welcome to the community. 

    You might find the advice and insights here helpful, including the insights from other autistic people and family members. It includes a section for parents talking to their children which explains that:

    "Autistic people and family members suggest that it is best to start discussing autism with children as early as possible. This is because they recognised that autistic children:

    • tend to notice their differences (from other children) early
    • might not communicate their awareness of these differences
    • are less likely to experience shame for their differences, challenges or support needs if they are given a positive perception of autism and the tools/opportunity to learn about themselves and their needs
    • need to know that there are other people like them in the world." 

    NAS - How to bring up that you think someone may be autistic

    There's also a host of resources for autistic teenagers here:

    NAS - Resources for autistic teenagers > Know Yourself series

    Information about seeking a diagnosis is available here:

    NAS - Diagnosis

  • My son was on the list for assessment whilst in Primary school, but only got a diagnosis in the first year of Secondary. When we first had contact with CAMHS he was happy to see someone who might help him in respect of school. He was first diagnosed with GAD. We did have difficulty convincing GP to refer. Once he had the diagnosis it helped us advocate with school via SENCO, but it was still difficult in respect of some staff. He however didn't want peers to know and tried to disguise his difficulties.

  • I was wondering if a gentler less direct way to see if they are interested, is just say you want to have a chat with them about your autism as there is a lot of misinformation at the moment, and you can talk about the traits and things that are difficult for you, positives too, and say if they ever want to chat about autism, you're always open to that. You could even say it's genetic, so if they ever feel they are like you, you can talk about it and support them. Also leaving some materials around that they can look at.

    Then they have that chance for self realisation (without it feeling it's something pushed on them as I'm aware some teenagers don't always react well to that), if they have that information and support from you. Anyway, I hope whatever you decide goes well and brings you closer.

  • As a late diagnosed autistic female, I wish someone had noticed the signs when I was a child. I think it would have helped me understand why I was so different.

    I'm not promising you they will take it really well. Whether it'll help them in the present, I'm not sure. I never experienced that. But in the long run I do think it would help.

    This is obviously my own experiences. You know your own girls.