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Hitting & separation anxiety

Charly1991

Good evening, im looking for advice on hitting. My son 4.5 years old due to start school in September. He is very attached to his dad & when his dad leaves a room will hit & kick me, we have tried the naughty step, being calm explaining we dont hit & gentle hands. We have books we read at night about gentle hands also but he is getting him self so distressed nearly making himself sick at times. 

  • in reply to Charly1991

    There is that may be of help(maybe read it to your self first to see if it will be too upsetting?) called my daddy works away from home 

    From my heart expriance as both a dad of an autistic child and havibg autisim my self know that autistic people often find stories a great way to process things plus kids books are so comforting my son loved the David Williams books growing up and my daughter currently loves spot the dog books 

  • Trying using PACE might be helpful. It stands for playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy. Whilst he is feeling distressed he probably can't take in much about gentle hands. Being playful can help a child to calm. I know it goes against the default mindset that the behaviour should be dealt with in the moment but there is scientific research behind it. Acceptance can be saying things like I understand that you are upset, angry, worried etc. Curiosity can be I'm wondering if you are upset because dad is leaving the room. Empathy can be saying things like that must feel really difficult. When he is calm most definitely keep reinforcing the message about gentle hands. Again using acceptance - it is ok to feel upset/angry/worried but hitting isn't ok. You could use curiosity again to make a plan with your son. What do you think you could do next time you feel that way? Have a plan with your son that helps him to calm - a fidget he can squeeze, whatever it is that helps your son.

    Transition objects can also be useful. Something that his dad can give to him when he is going somewhere. Dad could have an object too. When they look at their objects they know they are thinking of each other. This can be really helpful with separation anxiety. It can be a really simple object - a toy, a badge, a friendship bracelet, a picture of dad - anything that would be useful to your son to know his dad is thinking of him. 

    Personally I would steer clear of things like the naughty step. If it is coming from a distressed place then punishment is unlikely to help. That is not a criticism, just how I see it.

    Social stories can also be helpful. If you look it up online you might find one about separating from parents. If not, AI tools like chat gpt can be pretty helpful for writing them.

    I hope some of that is helpful. They are just suggestions. I hope the situation improves for you.

  • in reply to Thpsguy

    Hi, thank you for your reply. his dad works very different patterns & sometimes works away from a couple of day to a week long. We have brought some new bed time books about emotions & every time his dad goes to leave a room telling him & going for short periods at a time. 

  • I'm not sure to suggest but I hope my story can bring some reassurance that things could get better 

    I was similar but I wanted to be around my mum (does he by any chance have more bonding time with dad when he was younger) I feel bad about it now even though autisim explains it but even silly things like me and my sibling having the same toy and I'd. Get upset if my dad set mine up and I mean incrollabky upset. 

    I mostly got over this by the time I was in full time education but regrettably a couple of times during a fight or flight moment as a young adult I did hit my dad but the instant regret set in and in fact I felt sad about it 

    Talking about it over and over may work eventually but always remember with autisim not to use any absolutes that can be taken too litterly 

    As a random example if you were to say to an autistic person oh there's John again he's so lazy he needs to get a job it may be taken as people who are unemployed are lazy(I know it's not applicable to the situation but it's all I could think of) and you probably already know that anyway. 

    Are there perhaps aby books about the diffent roles mums and dads play in a child's day? Perhaps seeing that both parents have diffrent roles might bring some devolipnebt? Just a thought along the line sof you said about bedtime stories. 

  • Hi Charly, firstly welcome to the community. 

    Thank you for sharing this and I’m really sorry to hear of the situation. As Bunny below has mentioned, there is a huge amount of advice and strategies both here in the forum and on the NAS website. 

    Please find the link here to the NAS advice and guidance section on behaviour, hopefully this may be of use. 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/behaviour

    Also, below is another link that you may find helpful regarding the transition into education

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/education

    I hope you find these of some use and I wish you the very best of luck.

    All the best

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. You might find the advice and suggested strategies here useful, including about how to access support if needed:

    NAS - Distressed behaviour