Help ASD person make friends?

Does the young man(?) have acess to a forum by which he can socialise with his peers in Autism?

Sadly not. I am the parent of someone who has packs of assorted socks that you can buy, which are not in pairs, so you need no longer worry about finding a sock's missing other half! Recombinant is a good word. :)

Possum,

Intrigued by what you think my pseudonym relates to! The name describes the mundane life of a pair of socks through the sock drawer - wearing - washing - drying - sock drawer cycle. My theory is that socks, left to their own devices, will end up in the drawer and can be paired (recombined) on demand without much effort from the user. SWMBO used to insist on keeping the pairs together at every stage of the cycle. this was a cause of some friction in the household!

Did you have a different, more exotic idea?

Thanks. I have heard from Longman before and thank him for the contribution. Possibly harsh, but I'm missing body language having just the bald words on a forum to go by. :) I have probably been too sparing with detail just not to bore people. We're aware this is not a curable 'condition'. And as you rightly say RS, it is indeed about making the most of the situation, which is what we've always done.

After 19 years, very much understand all the stuff about verbal cues, eye contact and sensory overload that Longman points to. The picture he paints is totally recognisable to us, except we hope there is more hope than he implies, given encouragement and help.

Not actually meddling - just still trying to help our youngster who says every day they are lonely and can't make friends and asks how it can be done.

Thanks so much Recombinant Socks (I think I can guess what those are!) for your book suggestion. Will be most interested to investigate...

I think longman may have come across as a bit harsh.  The OP has described the archetypal ASD sufferer who can't cope with crowds and has difficulty socialising.

The first aspect of this can be simply avoided. There is no need for an ASD sufferer to subject themselves to hostile situations like loud parties and discotheques. Avoidance works fine for me and I feel much better now that I understand why this makes me feel uncomfortable.

Socialising is a skill that shouldn't be avoided and the OP is trying to help a friend with having a more social life. This is a good thing and I am sure the sufferer will appreciate a helping hand in this task. There are techniques to learn here: I find it useful to seek out other like minded people. It is often not hard to identify people in your work or college or everyday life who are just as lonely as me. I have found a number of people who are interested in the same things, have similar hobbies and think in the same way as me. It takes effort to get over the initial hurdle of saying hello but I find that once you make the effort then they are often glad that I broke the ice and said hello.

I recommend a book by Valerie Gaus on Living Well on the Spectrum. Perhaps the OP can get hold of this and work through some of the exercises with the sufferer? I found it very useful after I was first diagnosed in understanding that there are some practical things that you can do to overcome your difficulties. This isn't trying to cure the condition but is trying to make the most of the situation.

Another avenue to follow is to look into local autism/aspie groups and support centres. These sometimes provide group courses for helping with social skills and other everyday issues. 

Does sound a bit though as if you are trying to cure him. He's not making these problems up to be difficult, nor is he not trying hard enough.

Let me, if you can, use my own life experience as an example. I'm 64, mild end aspergers, wasn't diagnosed until 55, have managed a career (now retired), own my own house paid for by my own efforts.

I find socialising hugely difficult. My eye contact, while not obvious (I look at mouths instead of eyes) is a real problem. I miss a lot of the thread of conversations because I miss the non-verbal bits that everyone takes for granted.

As to stimulating environments (parties, crowds) I cannot filter out background. People sound like they are talking in a foreign language. It helps a bit if I stand near a wall, so the sound comes from one direction, then I get accused of not mingling. I get tired quickly at social events, because of the stress and the effort to concentrate. I then look spaced out, and word has got round in the past that I must be an alcoholic or on drugs. In fact I drink little, because far from lowering my inhibitions, alcohol makes the process of socialising harder.

Now I'm not one for avoiding challenges, and for most of my life I didn't have aspergers as an excuse. I pushed myself very hard into every kind of situation to get over my difficulties.

Now I'm sat here reading - "general self esteem building" - yes for years I suffered from low self esteem - are you surprised? Yes you can alleviate it, but its not easily done.

mini-targets....for what? "moving a little outside comfort zone each time" - yes my view is that works, but primarily because autism makes you retreat to avoid getting hurt, and it pays to reverse this process.

Conversation suggestions...this is nothing to do with shyness!  Its not that people cannot learn a few useful phrases for goodness sake!  The problem is losing information in the interface, and not being able to convey information cvorrectly. You might learn a few handy phrases but you don't have enough cues about when and where to use them correctly.

Relaxation techniques to help with anxiety...I had enough relaxation tapes, and assertion packs and the likes from GPs over the years. It just isn't relevant.

It sounds to me like you are judging this young person with ASD from your own  non-ASD perspective. You are suggesting with a little bit of effort here and there, in time he'll solve his problems. NO HE WON'T. Perhaps if you tried to find out more about autism and why it makes life difficult, you might be able to help.

However I just get the impression you are well-intentionally meddling in someone's life from the perspective you think he just needs a little guidance and nudging. You owe it to him to get properly informed.

Thanks for your reply. General self-esteem building, helping set mini targets to achieve and that youngster can be proud of, moving a little outside comfort zone each time. Conversational suggestions - you ask people about themselves, where they come from... Relaxation techniques to help with anxiety. Counselling. It seems it's partly about 'how' it's done, in practical terms and also anxieties around how one is perceived by others - appearing different...

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