I am a parent of a boy who’s diagnosed with Autusm. I myself am awaiting an Autism assessment and my husband believes he is although he doesn’t want an assessment. Any parents who are either diagnosed or self identify as Autistic how do you find parenting children with Autism any advice?
I and my adult daughter are both diagnosed autistic (ASD). The major problems we experienced were caused by our child's anxiety and lack of interoception. It took us many referrals and tests for various possible physical problems before we realised that our daughter's repeated symptoms of nausea and vomiting were the product of chronic anxiety, particularly social anxiety relating to school. Lack of interoception meant that she really could not tell us 'where it hurts', or even how bad it hurts. On one occasion this meant that a grumbling appendix went unrecognised until it perforated and we had an emergency on our hands - luckily the appendectomy was successful, leaving no long-term problems.
Believe me it's not always been the case, and what's helped the most is actually us getting diagnosed and recognising that she is most likely autistic too, even though her reactions are completely different from my sons. So not only did it help the understanding of my son, but helped realise she was also struggling, just in a different way, especially with anxiety. Things improved a lot 6 months ago when we realised all this, and her meltdowns are a lot less often and less severe, as are his shutdowns.
And also patience.
Yesterday I was trying to buy my son un-branded crocs online in the size up (the shopping trip had failed for this). He noticed that the closest colour match were not exactly the same, as his previous ones had bumps for grip inside and he said these had lines, and it sent him spiralling (you could only see this if you zoomed into the picture and looked in the holes from the front). After much searching, I found a pair that were different colour but you could see the internal texture was a better match, and I finally managed to get him to accept this as a viable option and he relaxed. Crisis averted. (Well they haven't arrived yet but I can hope.)
I fear puberty might really make these things worse and we are getting to that territory!
Oh that’s good that you check on your son while he is retreating to his room! I’m not sure I would recognize that he might see that as a punishment for not being able to deal with it, so that’s great recognition from you and your husband. Also excellent that you understand your husband enough to know how to best use his abilities to help during those situations. All in all, sounds like y’all have a good system down!
Yes the temperments and what they need are different, but they love hanging out, so most of the time it's good so we are very lucky there!
My son does struggle with her very loud meltdowns, trying to deal with her, and also needing to make sure my son knows he is allowed to put on his headphones and music and retreat to his room if needed or it sends him into shutdown (fun when you have both both at the same time.) That and I'll send my husband up to check on him so he doesn't feel he's being punished for not coping as moving her during a meltdown can make it even worse. My husband also can get cross at the meltdowns which makes it worse, you have to deal with it the right way, so sending him after with the quieter one gives me a better chance to defuse it all. (I will be tired after, but as long as I can put it off till later, we manage!)
That’s great that it sounds like your kids get along well. Mine don’t lol. My eldest (who is diagnosed) wants endless alone time while the younger needs constant attention, so they’re always at each others’ throats.
Otherwise it sounds like my kids aren’t so different from yours. The younger has to be involved in everything (like your example with the shopping cart) and the eldest has very loud, explosive meltdowns.
I got diagnosed end of last year fairly close to my son (11) (different services). I also believe my daughter (9) is too, it's certainly makes a lot of differences to have this at the front of parenting them both.
I'm default parent too, though my husband does do a lot for support where he can (he does parents evenings). I think what helped me is though I only found I was autistic recently, I think they were always my special interest as I put a lot of effort into moving life around for them (one of my assessors noted I talk about them a lot). They also get on well as they tend to share special interests between them (they talk endlessly about Minecraft every meal time for years).
They are easier at home where they are comfortable, my difficulties set in when we are out, my son tends to shutdown and has to be allowed to do things like push the trolley, no matter how heavy, and my daughter clings to me even at 9, unless it's a quiet area and she's comfortable. I had last Friday off, and I took them out for a few things, library, pick up some clothing they needed and a few things from the shops. I can handle their needs at the time, but I get so exhausted, my husband has to put them to bed as I'm done in after cooking dinner too, and in bed before them. I also slept in the morning after (Saturday), I've never slept that long in decades. My daughter's meltdowns are also really hard, the screaming it's hard to sensitive ears.
I think I'm doing good but it's been a long long learning process of what works for each child, and I haven't always got it right at the time, but I do try and figure out a better approach and it helps.
Ooo setting boundaries. Yeah, that’s difficult, too. One thing that helps is to be consistent. When you do make boundaries, make sure you stick to them. Autistic children thrive the most when there are clear expectations.
Thank you, communication and setting boundaries for our Child is difficult for us
Hi, I'm a mother of 4 year old toddler. It's hard, I have some weaknesses and strengths. My weakness is generally empathy- not that im malicious, but its hard for me to recognise and understand my daughter's emotions or intentions. But im good at handing her tantrums because I'm naturally indifferent. She knows that her tears don't bother me, especially when she wants something. This is my husbands weakness. So the result is that the little one behaves better with me than daddy. My husband is much better at playing with her, roleplays etc. I can sit and do parallel activities, but role play is too much for me. It always was. As a kid I was mostly busy drawing plans, floor plans, city plans, generating data etc.
The period after birth was terrible. I felt like I was in a wrong body. I decided I don't wanna have more children.
I need more time alone everyday. My husband is not happy about it and my daughter too. But I can't function otherwise. Solitude and my pacing are absolute must everyday.
Any parents who are either diagnosed or self identify as Autistic how do you find parenting children with Autism any advice?
As well as hopefully getting some other replies here, you might also find it helpful to visit Autistic Parents UK and ask for feedback and advice there. It's a specialist charity that focuses on that area, and their resources include peer support via both Facebook and Discord, facilitated groups, and one-on-one support:
"Autistic Parents UK CIO was founded in 2020 by Autistic parents seeking connection and support, born from a deep understanding of the unique challenges Autistic individuals face while navigating parenthood.
We are the only national, Autistic-led charity offering essential support services, resources, education and a thriving community for Autistic parents."
Good morning from America!
I’m a ASD/ADHD/GAD/MDD father with one of my two daughters also with ASD/ADHD (age 8). It’s tricky, especially with a NT partner who takes on way more responsibility because I can’t handle a lot of the stress that comes with parenting. But I’d say that communication with your partner is such an imperative thing to keep up on. Make sure your husband is aware what you can and cannot handle at the moment, and the visa versa as well.
Let me know if you have any specific questions I might be able to answer!
