Mental health of 20 year old diagnosed daughter

Hi Kate,  Apologies I have not responded until now, turbulent times.  Thank you for sharing your son’s experiences, I found this very helpful.  It’s great that your eldest was able to navigate Uni although I get how difficult he must have found this.  I do hope your youngest is finding his way and has been able to work on his mental health.  You’re right, it’s definitely not easy for them and the available support within these educational institutions are minimal. My daughter is back home at the weekend once more and we will have more time to discuss how she wishes to proceed.  Thank you once again and all the very best for you and your family xx

*too* much for him - i meant to write! 

If it’s any help: my eldest went to Uni and it was - at times - a great strain on his mental health. At times he was deeply DEEPLY unhappy. He got through it though - at times being physically ill because of the strain it put on him. He doesn’t regret it though. He went on to do an MA and is now doing a PHD - again it’s far from easy but he has no regrets. My youngest son left college during the pandemic and after a brief return he left as he found it was two much for him (both my children - like myself - are autistic). My youngest struggles with OCD and depression and we sometimes thing that the amount of time he spends at home with little to occupy him is not helpful. So whatever decision your daughter makes it might well not be easy - both options can be challenging. Only she can ultimately make this decision. One thing I will say is that my eldest has no regrets about persevering- whereas my youngest son does sometimes feel that he has sacrificed the opportunities that continuing to engage with education might have given him. Ultimately though my youngest’s mental health was suffering beyond what he could cope with - so he had little choice but to leave. It’s such a difficult decision and I really empathise. There’s not enough support for students who are struggling - that’s the real issue in many ways. Good luck x

Thank you Kate.  We have discussed if she really wants to finish her degree, she wavers either way, confused which way to go.  We have not placed any pressure on her.  My worry that if she comes home and has no focus, that she will fall deeper into the current depression that she is feeling.  She is finding it difficult to make any decisions right now.  I will keep your comments in mind for when I see see this weekend.  Take care

Hi Ann, thank you so much for taking the time to reply.  This is the first time I have really reached out.  I agree getting the right therapist can take time..  She is coming home for the weekend so we can discuss some of the points you have made.  I wish you well with your PhD and as I would say to my daughter, be kind to yourself.

From my experience and from the experience of my two (now adult) children education (at all stages) can be a minefield for autistic people. There are also cumulative effects of year after year after year of grappling with institutions that are fundamentally unsuited to the needs of autistic people. So our children are dealing with a massive challenge throughout their formative years - and it’s no wonder they reach points where it’s just too much. I don’t think there are any quick or easy answers - but I do think there’s a lot that can help. Everyone is different though - so everything has to be closely tailored to the individual. No one in my family (and we have several autistic people in my family) has had much luck with medication - so my perspective on that is that it’s not a good long term solution for the people I’ve known (and for myself - I’m autistic too). 

I think we need to look at what we really need to- what really nourishes us and makes us happy - rather than what society expects of us. Does your daughter really want to continue with her degree? That’s the first thing to establish. Is the cost too high in terms of her mental health - or does she feel it’s worth persisting with and trying to find a way through? What does she feel she needs to help her actually enjoy her life again? What is her deepest aspiration in life? 
Has she tried gentle therapeutic techniques like Mindfulness? Should she like to have a completely different experience such as travel, or volunteering? Or does she feel she needs a period of complete rest and peace to recover? I think ultimately only she can know what feels most right for her at the moment - and it might be that is something that to those around her seems not very productive. Let her follow her instincts, rest, and nourish herself with things she really enjoys, or just doing nothing if that’s what she needs right now. It might be that she just needs a lot of rest - maybe even for months - before she can work out what she wants to do. 

Hi, I’m autistic and I’m 28 now but I can relate to your daughter’s experience. I went to university and I am currently doing a PhD but I have been struggling with my health and with chronic burnout. I intermitted during my bachelor actually as my health suffered but unfortunately at the time I didn’t know that I was autistic and I didn’t receive the right support and I just pushed through for years. I of course can’t know what is going on for your daughter but I do know that there are many aspects of life and uni life that can be stress factors and exhausting. I think the most important thing is to figure out what recharges you and what activities and things are stress factors and drain you. It’s not easy to do so and I haven’t figured it out myself yet but by continually pushing through in my personal experience it only gets worse over time until it is ultimately unsustainable- I wish I had know this sooner. I have not had the best experience with therapists and mental health professionals and doctors as many are not well trained or informed on autism and are therefore unable to provide adequate support which can at times make the situation worse. I had completely given up on mental health professionals but recently gave it one last try when my university offered to help fund some specialist counselling for autistic individuals. I had low expectations but my counsellor is very good- he is autistic himself and mostly works with neurodiverse individuals and this makes a huge difference as I have less of a need to mask, don’t need to explain things so much and I am less likely to be misunderstood. I would recommend looking into this option and in general with counsellors I think it is very important to listen to your gut feelings- if it doesn’t feel right, I personally feel that it is better to stop and/or find someone else- it’s not something people talk about a lot but counselling can do damage as well. I would also encourage you to find out what support and accommodations the university can offer. My previous university actually had autism advisors and was quite good at taking care of autistic student’s needs. Many universities also have a counselling service which tends to be free and if this is not suitable or specialised enough there might be ways to get financial support for more specialised support through the university. This was an option at my previous university (unfortunately not where I am now) but it’s worth asking. It would help if your daughter could think about what things are draining and adding to stress and overwhelm and see if there might be ways to eliminate or minimise these either by asking for accommodations from the university or by making life style changes. If she feels that she needs a break there should be channels to intermit as well if this would help though it can be destabilising as it usually means you have to leave the university accommodation and means a lot of changes to environment and routine - it depends on situation but could be worth considering. Finally, is there maybe an option of going part time for a while?  I hope this is helpful! 

Thank you Bunny, very helpful.

Hi and welcome to the community.

I'm sorry to hear of your daughter's struggles.

For good reasons, we're not allowed to offer medical advice to each other here; I suggest that you discuss the matter with her GP. 

Sandyman22lemon said:

worry is they will just prescribe anti-depressants or refer for further psychiatric assessment, LONG waiting lists!  My husband and I both agree if she needs ADHD assessment we will go private, once again.  Our concern is being taken down another expensive path not knowing if it is the action actually needed.

However, I can gladly also suggest some resources that you might find helpful - and mention that, if you live in England, then your daughter can choose to be assessed via the Right to Choose pathway. This enables access to certain, approved private providers who typically have shorter waiting times than the NHS itself, but with the assessment still fully funded by the NHS.

If you do proceed with a purely private assessment, then, in respect of being able to access ongoing medication via the NHS (rather than needing to also pay for that privately), ADHDadultUK explains that:

"This means it is essential to first check with your GP if they will sign a shared care agreement before you decide to pursue a private diagnosis, as otherwise, it may be an expensive waste of your time."  

ADHDadultUK - Diagnosis - Evidence-based information about adult ADHD

This resource might also be helpful:

ADHD UK - Diagnosis pathways for adult ADHD

Your daughter might also like to complete a screening questionnaire, to see whether the results seem to support her hypnotherapist's suspicions. The results could also be shared with her GP.

Embrace Autism - Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale (ASRS v1.1)