Confused about socialising 3.5 year old

To a certain extent I've made some progress a summer ago before we moved and before he went to kindie, slowly building his confidence around more or less same kids at the playground near our old house. Having him just playing next to others and observing what they do was already a success. He'd rarely copy and only certain elements, but he had a decent confidence around others. He'd also watch how I would be interacting with other adults stuck at the same playground. Now it would be the case of starting everything from scratch, seeing who's around here and what can be organised.

Thinking of which activities can those be, I'd think of some calmer appreciation that doesn't involve much interactions, but would still involve presence of another child and adult, such as visiting a zoo, a museum or a park/forest trail, where things could be looked at together? Probably with an aid of a pushchair or a trolly. Or within a setting of a sen kids group meeting or activity, perhaps, if there are those in your area (maybe Google?) 

Thanks for your reply. I've struggled to find olay dates, even with one child because my son is just not interested in so interacting or engaging. I do see him look at other children but the moment they come near him... he moves away. I wonder if this is because he is non verbal and doesn't understand the social aspect or whether he just prefers his own company 

Thank you for your helpful response and apolfor late reply. The comparison trap just creeps up on me and I need to keep reminding myself that we are on a unique journey. I really like the idea of a club. My son loves music and dancing so I want to give a go at some point in a small group and see how he feels. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and sorry for the late response. I definitely want to try and build some more skills such as the turn taking at home and see if that works. 

Hi, 

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My kid will be 4 in two months and does attend a mainstream kindie five mornings a week (we wanted to extend the hours for at least one full day, but the kindie refused).

Before he started kindie he'd be trying to join in with other kids at playgrounds (with varied success as was and still is non-verbal), but now would avoid entering playgrounds altogether if other kids are there (I know for a fact he's been bullied).

I chose not to force social outings for now, so we do our safe options, such as rural quiet playgrounds, wildlife watching (duck feeding) or park/beach play/walks.

What I was thinking to perhaps try is to find a 'playdate' (start with just one other kid) of similar age and development stage/behaviour/energy level/interests (whichever describes best) and try it out in a neutral safe grounds with some support, maybe some guided play. I haven't gotten any further than the idea yet mainly cause feel a bit of autumnish gloom and need to gather my moral strength to organise it.

Hope it helps you to bounce ideas suitable to your situation off.

Dear Tina_85,

Thank you for sharing this with our community. While we are waiting for the community to respond, you may want to take a look at our page about making friends- supporting your child: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/making-friends/parents-and-carers

Thank you. I hope this helps.

With all good wishes,

Eunice Mod

At 3½, I think you need to try to sense your sons "social energy". Don't use other kids as your yardstick. See what works for him.

When I was a bit older (7-ish) I was packed off to the cub scouts. I probably didn't want to go (I genuinely don't remember), but I liked it once I settled in. There were other things I really didn't want to do (discos, in my teens—and I still feel ill about them to this day). I think if your son is persistently resistant to something, then you should give it up, but a gentle push is not a bad thing to help him get over the initial anxiety of new things. Stick with what works for him.

As an autistic adult I would say don't force social outings if they are making him anxious. It is likely to cause social anxiety as he gets older because he'll learn that social situations are stressful. 

Nursery 5 mornings a week sounds like plenty of social opportunity to me. If he's happiest playing on his own I would allow that. 3.5 is still very young. There is plenty of opportunity for him to develop socially as he gets older but the world also has to accept that not everyone is social and that is ok.

I do think it's good to encourage some social skills to allow him to manage more as he grows up though. But this can be done gently and at his speed. As you say if he's more comfortable at home, find an activity that he likes that you can practice turn taking with. That kind of thing. He is more likely to learn where he is most comfortable. 

Full credit to you for not just taking the health workers word for it and coming here for advice.

Obviously this is my opinion from my own experiences. Others may have a different opinion.