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So many problems with 18yr old - at wits end- long post

Mominneed

Hi everyone. I really don't know if anyone can offer any help or advice, I just don't know where to turn at the moment. My son was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD at 12 yrs old. School was a nightmare, running away, refusing to attend, no friends etc. He was finally placed in a home and hospitals school in year nine and did better there, actually making three friends.

He was unable to attend mainstream college (had a MASSIVE panic attack on the day he was due to start) and has since been on a couple of confidence boosting specialised short courses. He had just started a new year long course with four other aspies when he went out at luchtime with one other lad and got knocked over. He almost died and spent 2 weeks in critical care, then 12 more weeks in hospital with serious head injuries and a broken pelvis.

It's been a hellish 7 months and I had a breakdown. Now on antidepressants. He has brain damage, which has caused problems with memory and cognitive difficulties. His temper is very short and more explosive than before (it was quite bad before the accident) He's been at home with me for 3 months now. His aspergers has returned with a vengance. His social anxiety and hatred of mixing/meeting other people is at an all time high. To make matters worse his sleeping pattern has reversed so he's awake all night and asleep until the afternoon.

I'm on my own with him, (his father hasn't bothered for 10 years). All he wants to do now is sit in his room on his xbox, playing games and talking to his three friends over the xbox chat. He has a support worker twice a week who takes him for walks and plays board games, but he hates them coming (even though he does actually like them) and we have massive rows about this. He doesn't seem to want to help himself get any better and refuses to do anything with me or my brother like cinema or days out. How can I help him? Sorry for such a long post. 

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    A couple more thoughts...

    If he is cocooned in his room then does this actually give you a bit more time and space to look after yourself? I know that it would be best if he can come out more but can you let "the sleeping dog" lie (for the moment - not permanently) to give yourself a bit of a break?

    Does he have PTSD? Does he have proper psychiatric help to get over the psychological impact of the accident? Is this the source of his short temper?

    How bad is the brain damage? Do you actually need full time carers? I think this is what Crystal12 was suggesting earlier in the thread.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    @outraged, I think it's stretching it to think of gaming as CBT! Games don't do terribly well at constructive, considerate challenging conversation unless there's a really good Turing machine game that i haven't come across?

    You are right though in saying that dragging him kicking and screaming isn't going to work well with an aspie. We don't react well to being told to do stuff because we just should. 

    I would ask him where he wants to be in 6 months. Does he want to be able to look back on having made some real progress in accepting and dealing with his autism or does he want to be able to look back and be able to say that he got to a new level in one of his games? If he can see that he has a choice and that he is in control then he might choose to take on the ultimate game of real life.

    @outraged, what do you think might work?

  • Hey,

    I have read and reread your post. i think the situation is obviously painful. But I have a few questions which may help.

    1: What are your ambitions for him? What is the timescale? What do you fear?

    2: What are his ambitions? What are his timescale? What does he fear?

    It sounds like those two answers will be wildly different. 

    It may be hard, but learning what his ambitions are and helping to achieve them is amazingly uniting and empowering. In my experience,  warring and pressure won't help.

    For example, if his ambition is to complete a certain game. Go talk to to him about it, if his ambition is to complete a series of games, then perhaps discuss why, why those games.

    At the worse case, you have learnt something about him, and documented your own feelings to reflect on / ready for discussion with others.

    hope that comes across as helpful, and not blunt or offensive.

    kind regards. 

    Jamke + Lion

  • I meant to say, if you haven't already, request a Carer's Assessment.  In my area they're done by a charity, altho the request is initially made to social services or your sw.   This shd help highlight the present difficulties + hopefully give you some help.

  • sitting in my bunker gaming 24/7 is how i behave, and I can live w that, but you might consider the following:

    a  gaming is thought intensive, and might be effective cognitive therapy?

    b are you going to drag him kicking and screaming from his comfort zone?

    as to the physical therapy, thats the big issue as i read it. Could an excersise program be designed that he could do in private.

    1 last question:

    does "knocked over" mean punched? If so, that needs criminal prosecution. Too many of us get assalted and it needs to stop!

  • Hi - what a difficult situation for both of you.  I'm more than surprised that your son isn't getting continuing care from the nhs/social services, unless the small amount he gets from his support worker is that?  I think you need to push the medical profession + social services really v hard on this 1, for both your sakes.  Also it might be worth ringing the nas helpline (you may get an ansaphone, but they will ring back) for advice.

  • I do...but it isn't healthy for him to be on it 15 hours a day with his blackout blinds shut  surely? He is supposed to go walking/exercise often to help with his pelivs and rebuild muscle strength after the accident, also to engage in some brain training to help brain recovery, but it causes rows as he doesn't want to do it. Should I just leave him to rot in his room then?

  • You might leave him be to play his Xbox and chat...where exactly is the problem here?