Son displaying some autistic traits

I am not the Gestapo, I do not interrogate, I do not dissect people. I listen to what their problem is and then try to offer constructive ideas to help out. What I do not do is hug or stoke the hands of people who I do not know very, very well, as doing that would be highly unpleasant for me. In dire emergency I would and have overcome my reluctance to engage in physical contact with strangers. I once pulled a drowning elderly man out of the sea, it transpired that he had experienced an epileptic fit, while in the water.

But people don't want it dissected and solutions offered. They're in distress, they don't want to be interrogated. Even if I think asking questions so i understand their position is showing I care.

You are supposed to let them say what they want in their own tine. You are there to listen and make the 'right' comments and noises at the right time.

I'd not offer advise without checking if they want it. Else you just end up with an argument and claims you are unsympathetic.

It is hard to get right. In practice I might get someone else to help them.

I would tend not to hug or make meaningless 'there-there' noises, but dissect the problem and offer advice. I feel the other person's distress, but react differently from the neurotypical norm.

I don't know what to do when people are distressed.

The autism criterion for eye contact is not, 'does not make eye contact'. The diagnostic manuals refer to, 'abnormalities in eye contact', this can be too much eye contact as well as too little. It can also be that an autistic individual makes a semblance of eye contact, but in reality is looking at some feature near the eyes, like the nose or mouth. Alternatively an autist may just make eye contact consciously, and time making and breaking it, because he or she has learned that doing this makes interactions with other people more productive. Allistic people make eye contact essentially without thinking about it in a conscious manner.

Autists tend to have problems with cognitive empathy, but often are otherwise empathetic and may have high levels of emotional empathy. In a test, I am diagnosed with ASD, I scored well above the neurotypical average score for overall empathy and emotional empathy, but scored below average on cognitive empathy. Many autistics find the distress of others distresses themselves greatly. They may not respond in ways typical of allistic people, but the empathetic feeling is genuine.

Except for the "very quiet in class" bit, that sounds like me (and my daughter) at the same age. He might just be a smart, shy and introverted and not ND at all. He might need a little more time to suss out any new situation to figure out how best to proceed because he's a thinker, rather than a gung-ho doer. A thoughtful little lad.

Is there any kid who doesn't have "emotional issues" when tired? I'm not sure how good six-year olds are supposed to be at identifying their own emotions, so maybe alexithymia would be a stretch. You could probably continue to support him there and see how it develops.

A childhood diagnosis of autism would lead you to identify support needs that he might have. But there is no reason why you cannot do some research into autism and support needs yourself and try out a few things. It could be simple things much as you are doing: if he wants to hide under a chair, let him hide under a chair. It doesn't sound like you need to be in a hurry to seek a diagnosis, but you could prepare yourself in advance and you'd be supporting you son either way.

A lot of what you describe sounds familiar to me as a parent too. Keeping notes on patterns and sharing them with school or a professional could really help. Either way, it sounds like you’re very tuned in to your son, which is the most important thing

I think it's worth to test him, sounds quite like me 30 years ago, with the little difference that I was unable to make eye contact and able to play or talk only to one kid at a time. Me plus 2 kids was a crowd. My play was setting up a scene and then I sat and stared at it for long time + rocking. My emotional reactions and sensory overwhelm looked similar. I also used to sound very much like an adult at that age and till today have vast imagination.  Now at age 37 I'm only suspected autistic female.  But your son has the whole life before him, so it's important to make sure he is supported.

Yes I struggle with on the spot questions sometimes. 

When I was concentrating, playing, and I was called or asked a question, although I heard it I couldn't answer. Not for 10 to 20 seconds. I was always being complained at for not responding.

If given a drink I would normally put it down and forget it. I always have cold tea 

Simple questions out of the blue, like, do you want a cup of tea or coffee, are hard to answer, because I don't know if I do, or which one, or when.

My son is of a similar age and certainly displays autistic traits, I consider him autistic even without a diagnosis. Once you’ve spent enough time around the neurodivergent world you’ll spot it very quickly. Does your son sound like a mini professor at times? This is something I’ve heard used to describe children on the spectrum. If you feel as a parent a diagnosis would be beneficial it’s never too late to go for it, it could actually help him further down the line in terms of support in the learning environment.

Yes that would be an example of a communication difficulty. Another thing to look out for is does he use/understand gestures and facial expressions when communicating.

It may be worth keeping a log of anything that fits into the main areas for diagnosis - communication, social interaction and restricted/repetitive behaviour (this includes difficulties with change, fixations on certain topics, interests, sensory differences, stimming - repetitive movements). This will help you to explain/evidence anything if you do decide to go down the route of diagnosis.

His school may also be helpful to talk to? They may have insight that you don't in school specific situations.

VerityFen said:

if he wants to talk about topic A and you ask him about topic B he will just carry on talking about topic A

Haha, I still do that. I have to finish before moving on, else it is quite uncomfortable to leave that thought train unfinished.

We can't diagnose on here. But sounds quite similar to me, 50 odd years ago.

I had no developmental delays. I can and could make eye contact, but shyness meant I would often look down, rather than to one side. I mostly only spoke when spoken to.

I hated social occasions even with relatives. I still don't know what you are supposed to do.

I shut down my emotions at some point but I don't remember when. But that may be a separate issue.

I always did everything asked, partly to fit in and hide. I couldn't imagine anything worse than being in trouble.

I know I used to believe what I was told. I took things literally 

Thank you, that is really helpful.

He does talk about lot to family and tends to talk when he wants to rather than when it's his turn (but he is 6 so I don't think that's too unusual)

One thing that stands out with communication is that if he wants to talk about topic A and you ask him about topic B he will just carry on talking about topic A

Some of this certainly would tick the boxes of autism but to meet the criteria for a diagnosis he must fit all the main areas. One of these is communication which you haven't touched on much. Now this doesn't mean he has to be limited in his vocabulary or anything like that but there must some difficulty with communication. This may be taking things literally, difficulty knowing when it's his turn to speak, talking at length about one topic and being unaware of the other person is getting bored, repetitiveness in what he talks about. 

If he has no difficulty with communication, they would likely look at a different diagnosis such as social anxiety.