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how to convince my husband to let my son go for Asperger diagnosis

puffin

We have known now for two years my son has ASD probably Aspergers.  It was brought to our attention my his P1 teacher,  we were completly oblivious as we led a quiet sheltered life and knew our son had quirks but suspected nothing more.

of course it was worse at school, no eye contact not speaking up, eager to please easily frustrated embarassed, he just strauggled at everything social and unstrauctured, gym and swimming were a nightmare!

I speak to my husband about it ( we can now see my husnabd is also on the spoectrum) but holds down a job.

My husband accepts the Aspergers but is most worried about the burden of you have a disability, he just feels no matter how much you jazz it up thats what it comes down to and our son he fears is clever enough to figure that out and will have another burden to bare.  He knows he is different in a good way , i tell him every day.  We also accept his social struggles and help him where we can  He is ok with us by his side (extra confidence) he struggles when we are not there.

Prt of me agrees with my husband, yet the other worries he may find out accidently which would be awful also i have read so many times notes from children that wished there parents had explained there difrerences earlier, it would have explained alot.

I am worried about giving it the name i guess as he already accepts difference can be good.  But he also desperatly wants to fit in and be like his friends!

I would not go for diagnosis unless my husband was 100% behind it.

We have little facilities where we help and i have been told if our son was diagnosed officialy there would not be much help as he is high fuctioning so my husbands other arguement is what is the point?

has anyone out there accepted the ASD without wanting or needing a official diagnosis?

Any ideas on convincing my husband to let our son be officially diagnosed if only to help me learn  the best way to teach him, as he is now homeschooled and content.

Thank you in advance,

Puffin

  • Hi puffin

    Think of it this way, before you know it your child will be wanting to enter into a relationship with someone.  If your son is unaware of why he behaves the way he does and has not accepted his traits, then there is a strong possibility that the relationship will fail.  However with knowledge your son can say "I have aspergers (if that's the diagnosis) and I struggle with ...... and you need to say exactly what you want because I cannot interpret your needs very easily.    Both parties I feel will benefit from knowing at the start how to communicate with each other.

    Your husband may never accept the diagnosis, many don't.  Some men leave the marriage after diagnosis.  Some just shut it out and leave the wife to do all the work.  this can make you resentful, so you need to understand why your husband behaves the way he does and either accept it, try to get him to support you or leave.  

    However, having the diagnosis means that you can be more selective in your research and won't be floundering around in the darkness not being sure if Your hunch is right.

    Family members may also try to discredit a diagnosis by showing you your son is just stubborn, wilful and may even try boot camp tactics to prove they are right.

    Anyway, you are not alone.  Keep strong and do something fun this weekend.

  • Thanks to both of you for your advice, Hotel California yes i guess i am worried about problems within the marriage if i go ahead without hubbies consent.  but i think you are right as to his reasons against it,dont worry about directness, that is what i come on here for, some honest straight talking advice, i  could probably change my mind over having my son diagnosed several times a day one minute i am all for it and the next i think no benefit to a diagnosis at the moment.  I would really have my partners agreement on this but i am willing to go ahead without it, sometimes!  I have a few concerns, could it affect our permission to homeschool, will my son accept the numerous Drs visits all of which would be 3 hrs drive from us!  But first and foremost is probably that never ending feeling when you are a parent am i doing what is right for my son, will it help or will it just be another thing for him to deal with.  I have found even without the official diagnosis i now really understand and emphathize with my sons condition, it all makes sense now.  If i was sure he would get any help other than a visit with a Dr every two months ( and i have been told by a therapist" if that")when i put that exact question to her.

    My one reason for a diagnosis is the "what if" in the future, if he needs help it will be easier with a diagnosis behind him,  as you can see i am a bit mixed on the subject also but i know i would be happier about going ahead if my husband would listen to reason.

    Misskittykat, your messgae made perfect sense, thank you.  My son is now seven eight in September.  All is fine now as you say it is what the future may hold and that is my main reason for a diagnosis, things like if he needs special permission if still homeschooled to sit exams it may be easier with a diagnosis and if symptoms did get worse i would have support of a diagnosis as i have no support from my GP who does not believe in labels, no one seems to take it seriously without an official diagnosis as you say my word would not be enough.

    I like the thought that the diagnosis would be there when we need it as i believe it is only GP and school if attending that need to know.

    Thank you both for your advice, not many friends to talk about it with up here in Scotland so this site means alot.

    Thanks again

    Puffin

     

  • I'm unclear how old your son is but I'm guessing P1 is primary 1 so fairly young?

    What I would say is, although it might be ok now, not having an official diagnosis, as he grows, this might prove to be more troublesome.  

    He's not at school and is content - I can relate to that as my own daughter is currently out of school and has become more contect but I know this is because of a lack of demands on her.  I'm not home schooling because I can't physically and mentally do this.  Without her diagnosis, I don't think I'd be getting the support I'm getting for my daughter.  The school she is registered with has become more accepting of her anxiety since her diagnosis.  Without the diagnosis, I think there would be more pressure for her to return to school.

    You actually can't tell what the future will hold.  We may all have an idea of what we expect but life has a funny way of taking over.  If your son had a diagnosis, it would always be there when you need it but if something happened and you needed help, I'm quessing your word that you think he is on the spectrum wouldn't count for much.

    Hope that makes sense?

  • Hi puffin

    Sorry if this sounds blunt, but why does your husband need to be 100% behind you getting your child diagnosed?  As a mother you have  parental responsibility to do what is right for your child, and not what is right for your husband.  Also you mentioned that you suspect your husband has aspergers, if this is the case he may not see the difficulties, so how can he agree to something he is blissfully unaware of.  He may also want to keep things the way they are because a diagnosis means visits to psychologists, etc, something he may find uncomfortable dealing with. 

    Are you worried that going ahead without his approval will cause problems in your marriage?