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How to help my son with people he doesn't like

LucyA

Hello, my son is 13. He thinks very logically and has limited tolerance for things he thinks are unfair or nasty.

He will refuse to spend time with people if they have upset him. I also think he picks up on micro expressions and body language and can't interpret.

I find myself helping him think through these things, seeing other perspectives and giving people another chance.

We are stuck on 2 teachers he is finding unfair, strict and not understanding - with good reason for him. Other people may be able to forgive and forget.

This means he is refusing to go into school because of them, school are offering no alternative if he can't do lessons with them - he is in a specialist setting.

Now because there is no alternative he thinks if he gets upset at school there will be no one to go to (as if there is no alternative that means no one is available).

Has anyone been in similar situations?

We are struggling to think of a way forward.

He does want to go to school and in general his school fits his needs well.

TIA

  • Dear LucyA, 

    Please visit our online advice and guidance which explains more about getting extra help in school, assessments, education plans, reviews and school transport for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/education/extra-help-at-school 

    You may fund our gudience on 'What can I do if my child won't go to school?' of particular interest: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/education/attendance-problems   

    If you require further support, you may like to contact the following regional organisations:  

    England  

    • Every local area has a Special Educational Needs and Disabilities Information Advice and Support Service that can provide information, advice and support to parents and carers of children and young people with SEND, including on exclusions:  www.kids.org.uk/sendiass  
    • Independent Provider of Special Education Advice is a registered charity that offers free and independent information, advice and support to help get the right education for children and young people with all kinds of SEND: www.ipsea.org.uk/   
    •  Coram’s Child Law Advice service can be accessed through their website or contacted on 0300 330 5485 from Monday to Friday, 8am – 6pm: childlawadvice.org.uk/.../  
    • SOS!SEN offers a free, term-time, national helpline, staffed by a team of volunteers, to provide next step advice and support on questions and issues parents may have relating to their child’s SEN provision: https://sossen.org.uk/services/helpline/ Their helpline number is 0208 538 3731.  

    Wales  

    • SNAP Cymru provide advice on a variety of issues that a child or young person may encounter during their education www.snapcymru.org/.../  

     Scotland  

    • Enquire provide advice about additional support for learning for children attending school enquire.org.uk/   
    • Govan Law Centre’s Education Law Unit provide legal advice on the rights of pupils with additional support needs govanlawcentre.org/.../   

     Northern Ireland  

    • The Children’s Law Centre provides a free legal advice service and legal representation for children and young people: childrenslawcentre.org.uk/ 
    • The NI Commissioner for Children and Young People (NICCY) and their work is focused on making sure children and young people have access to their rights in their day-to-day lives, so they have the best opportunity to reach their full potential https://www.niccy.org/ 

    I hope this is helpful. 

    Kind Regards,
    Rosie Mod

  • There seems to be quite a lot of stuff online about microexpressions and loads about body language too, maybe this is something you could explore with him?

    13's a funny age, he will be starting to have a more adult awareness, but like many of his peers, ND and NT, won't have the emotional maturity to fully recognise or deal with them. He may also have a feeling that any microexpression of say nausea is about him, rather than the teacher having eaten something that disagrees with them, or suffering from morning sickness. It took me a long time, years to fully realise that is wasn't all about me.

    Maybe if you try and help him to explore things like body language through a more anthropological lens, it might help him understand whats happening and help him to believe its not all about him.

  • in reply to LucyA

    It is extremely difficult when it is possible the whole thing is no more than a misunderstanding that has snowballed due to miscommunication or no communication at all.

    We have it on this forum even.  People misinterpret advice, or don't understand why some quote phrases used by individuals - and feel they are being singled out for unfair criticism, when it is just the way the forum works. 

    I am reminded of my niece who returned to her Primary School class teacher a few months after leaving, to ask if she could have a piece of work she'd had hanging on the wall.  She was told it had been put 'in a special place' which was of course code for something entirely different.  She couldn't understand why (in her eyes) they'd be so cruel.  She also couldn't understand why they'd got her to leave at the end of Primary School having been telling her she was part of the 'school family' for years either.

    If I am honest, I probably empathise here.  They ought to consider how their words & actions are received.  

    I still miss (aspects) of the schools I went to because I can't wrap my autistic brain around the idea that a facility purports to care about people for a few years, then shovels them out of the door.   You go from allegedly being cared about one day to being discarded.  I guess I've never understood that.  A part of me asks even now if they were lying, or just in it for the wages. 

    I really wish these people in these 'specialist settings' as you put it, could wrap their heads around how (we) as Autistic individuals FEEL, and not just go through the motions. 

    I'd add the disclaimer that this is my personal opinion, based on my own experiences - but I've no problem with you referring to it if you wish. 

    I wish you luck going forward.  Take care.   

  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U )

    Thank you - I do have a good relationship with the senco - and my son has explained some of the things that have happened - it is school understanding his interpretation that seems to cause the barrier. He thinks teachers have laughed at him, they say they haven't, he thinks throwing students work in the bin is unfair -  he sees danger where another doesn't. We have camhs tomorrow and camhs are coming to school with us on Friday. School now won't tell me what teachers he has and are asking that he comes in and explains to them and then they can make reasonable adjustments. He cannot communicate well with them and often can't articulate the problems until a week later.

    I am just really frustrated that they are not adjusting for his need of certainty and his challenges interpreting people and his literal thinking.

  • I am sorry to hear of your difficulties, and can imagine how frustrating this must be for him & you.

    Is he subject of a care plan?  Is there SENCO involvement?  

    I really do think that the school does have a duty here to at least come to the table (with or without the teachers he has issues with present) to work to find a solution.  It could well be that a simple compromise, or even a re-jigging of the timetable could be the answer. 

    Clearly I don't know the school structure but I'd be requesting a meeting with the persons responsible for his care whilst he is in school, and presenting some (reasonable) alternatives to them, if they cannot bring themselves to do it first.

    Can you possibly ask your son which of the two teachers is the lesser problem?  This might give you an angle for compromise and negotiation.  

    I'd try to adopt a non-confrontational approach to get the best results (even if you feel they aren't worthy of that approach) - not that I'm suggesting you aren't doing that already.