Advice on dealing with autistic daughter and her sibling

No one need to get to the place they should be shouting. Our experiences are relative and for Autistics who sense-perceive external and internal stimuli as 'too-real' or cannot filter the same, what appears to be a big emotion is simply the appropriate response for the way it's encountered. Small betrayals burn kingdoms. If we (as parents) dismiss our kids, it compounds the issue as they suddenly feel isolated and Erich Fromm has much to say on this. Sometimes they might just want to feel heard and acknowledged. A painful light can be turned off, a halogen can replace an LED. A sound can be lowered or ear plugs/ear defenders on hand. Always give children agency to exit - this is the safest habit to learn in a world full of harm. Most things are matters of little consequence. But the world we live in is a sensory nightmare.

Autistic kids will all have difficulty with transition and severe difficulty with interruption. This includes having a vision of what they're doing next and if suddenly it's not happening, it's a rug pulled from under.  interruptions are kryptonite, preparation is a parents key to success. In my household it's: "Luck favours the Prepared". Facilitate fluidness, flow. Finish one thing before starting the next.

Rarely did I allow my son to watch a thing he couldn't watch all the way to the end when he was young. And if we'd pull up in the drive, we'd finish the song in the car before turning it off. The problems arise as they grow, when Autistic Inertia is continually forced to quit, one might withdraw on a day when there's too many interruptions, and nothing is learned, everything is a haze and a blur: life is lifeless. OR it can be the last straw in an already difficult day. See: Monotropism.org

It turns out rules that apply to Autistic children are actually great for raising all children. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?fbclid=IwAR0e6pwWeDC7C0c3EJAE1qdd9PyMyCqkgwIvTDEIxPKGBOV7Qn9hrgN5kI8 It's parenting that's work. They simply need to feel grounded and connected. Sever either of these and trust takes that much longer to regain. Kids also need days where they're free to roam, free of unnecessary rules and can make mistakes, wander about on their own and just exist without any criticism. A Saturday or Sunday is good for this. If there's conflict between them, sit between them like a mediator and allow each to plead a case, help them to ask the right questions to negotiate and find solutions as a team. And just listen. But first give her enough time to collect thoughts - she may have a greater difficulty using words than he will, which is an unfair advantage.

I'm 50 and I cannot identify my emotions/feelings. This is called Alexithymia. I've managed to categorise them into Contentment, Frustration, Injustice and Confusion. I might have clarity after a few hours, days or even years... I also cannot read most others, so I cannot anticipate social actions. Many times it's shocking what someone might say and I've had enough practice from theatre arts classes, a deeper understanding of how our feelings arise from perspectives and beliefs. I also have had to take hormonal balancing herbs my whole life, and thankfully have encountered those patient enough with me to help me learn tools to: Pause. Embrace whatever the feelings are. Take control of what I can. Take agency to exit or fix what's impactful. Sometimes it is a lightbulb or an electrical hum at a high and painful frequency. Sometimes it's a polyester fabric I need to throw out and replace with pure cotton or wool (or cashmere). It might be a need for a walk, or to just go lie in the grass at the park and smell the ground. And other times it's learning to let go of a toxic relationship (which is excruciatingly hard as we can be loyal to a fault). Being an adult, I have a LOT more control. This is something I tried to remember as a parent. 

No problem. I think negotiating for the end of a program if it's near to the end is fair enough. That's quite a reasonable wish and would be a source of frustration if not. It is probably just a matter of making sure she doesn't increase how much she tries to negotiate to keep extending her time. That's when it can come problematic and about control rather than need.

Thank you too for the reply.

I actually did have a talk with her this afternoon when her brother wasn't around, and said pretty much exactly what you suggested so I'm pleased to hear you think that was a good plan.

She does know she should go to her room to calm down when she feels she needs to, but unfortunately by the time she's realised she should do that she's already started raging at us or her brother.  She still does to to her room though, and eventually calms down.  I like the idea of a punch bag!

Regarding treating her brother in the same way - that's a fair point - he does get sent to his room, but it's more of a "go to your room!" as a punishment rather than going to a safe space to calm down.  Maybe we should treat him in the same way, even though he's not autistic.  It might help the jealousy issue, and help him deal with his emotions (even if he's not autistic calming down in his room must still be a good skill to learn!).

They both have football matches every saturday morning which must be a good thing, and aside from that we do try to give them equal attention and support in whatever else they want to do.  Generally they also both get made to tidy their rooms!

Thanks again for the advice.

Thanks so much for replying.

Yes, trying to explain a bit more to our son sounds like a good plan.  I guess it's important that he understands her difficulties but at the same time knows it's not a licence to be unpleasant towards him.  Good point that it's also difficult for him.

Regarding the fine line - absolutely - it is hard to tell which it is sometimes.

10 minute warning - we've learnt that this does indeed work better for her.  She responds better when she knows what to expect, rather than having something sprung on her.  She sometimes manages to negotiate a bit - e.g. watch til the end of the program (if it's say 12 minutes left for example) rather than off in 10 mins.

Thanks again!

I think it's a very difficult and will probably never be a perfect one. There are some good books for kids out there that might help you explain it to your son. I think talking to your son about it and explaining that his sister finds things difficult sometimes etc. But I'd also try to let him have extra bits sometimes but not for shouting. Acknowledging that it's difficult for him when his sister gets such an such so if he does such and such he can have an extra 10 minutes of whatever too.

As for should you be stricter with your daughter, it's very difficult to answer without knowing her. It very much depends on whether she's pushing the boundaries and then getting cross or struggling with the situation and going into crisis. There can be a very fine line between the 2.

I don't know what you usually do but 1 suggestion would be to give her the 10 minute warning before you ask her to turn the TV off. Rather than asking her and it turning into a negotiation to prevent dysregulation. You might already do this and still find you need the negotiation which is fair enough.

Good luck. It's not an easy situation.

I'm no expert on child psychology, but here's a suggestion.

Maybe you could talk to your daughter when your son is not around and explain that it's necessary for everyone to be treated fairly and equally in the family. So although you understand that she might have problems controlling her emotions because she is autistic, her brother is also having problems controlling his emotions because of jealousy.

When autistic people have meltdowns, we need to go to a safe quiet space to get calm. So you could explain to your daughter that if she becomes angry and aggressive, you will insist that she goes to her room for a while to calm down, but that it is not a punishment - it is to help her regain control of her emotions. Talk about what activities she could do in her room that don't seem like a reward, such as drawing, colouring, a jigsaw puzzle, or put a punch bag in there for her to take things out on - whatever helps her to decompress, redirect her mind and calm down. Then explain that you are going to treat her brother exactly the same way if his behaviour becomes aggressive. 

Also, make a schedule for weekend activities with the input of both children, where they get equal time doing activities of their choice, to help prevent jealousy from your son and give your daughter reassurance of what to expect each day.

I hope you can find something that works for your family.