Advice on dealing with autistic daughter and her sibling

No one need to get to the place they should be shouting. Our experiences are relative and for Autistics who sense-perceive external and internal stimuli as 'too-real' or cannot filter the same, what appears to be a big emotion is simply the appropriate response for the way it's encountered. Small betrayals burn kingdoms. If we (as parents) dismiss our kids, it compounds the issue as they suddenly feel isolated and Erich Fromm has much to say on this. Sometimes they might just want to feel heard and acknowledged. A painful light can be turned off, a halogen can replace an LED. A sound can be lowered or ear plugs/ear defenders on hand. Always give children agency to exit - this is the safest habit to learn in a world full of harm. Most things are matters of little consequence. But the world we live in is a sensory nightmare.

Autistic kids will all have difficulty with transition and severe difficulty with interruption. This includes having a vision of what they're doing next and if suddenly it's not happening, it's a rug pulled from under.  interruptions are kryptonite, preparation is a parents key to success. In my household it's: "Luck favours the Prepared". Facilitate fluidness, flow. Finish one thing before starting the next.

Rarely did I allow my son to watch a thing he couldn't watch all the way to the end when he was young. And if we'd pull up in the drive, we'd finish the song in the car before turning it off. The problems arise as they grow, when Autistic Inertia is continually forced to quit, one might withdraw on a day when there's too many interruptions, and nothing is learned, everything is a haze and a blur: life is lifeless. OR it can be the last straw in an already difficult day. See: Monotropism.org

It turns out rules that apply to Autistic children are actually great for raising all children. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?fbclid=IwAR0e6pwWeDC7C0c3EJAE1qdd9PyMyCqkgwIvTDEIxPKGBOV7Qn9hrgN5kI8 It's parenting that's work. They simply need to feel grounded and connected. Sever either of these and trust takes that much longer to regain. Kids also need days where they're free to roam, free of unnecessary rules and can make mistakes, wander about on their own and just exist without any criticism. A Saturday or Sunday is good for this. If there's conflict between them, sit between them like a mediator and allow each to plead a case, help them to ask the right questions to negotiate and find solutions as a team. And just listen. But first give her enough time to collect thoughts - she may have a greater difficulty using words than he will, which is an unfair advantage.

I'm 50 and I cannot identify my emotions/feelings. This is called Alexithymia. I've managed to categorise them into Contentment, Frustration, Injustice and Confusion. I might have clarity after a few hours, days or even years... I also cannot read most others, so I cannot anticipate social actions. Many times it's shocking what someone might say and I've had enough practice from theatre arts classes, a deeper understanding of how our feelings arise from perspectives and beliefs. I also have had to take hormonal balancing herbs my whole life, and thankfully have encountered those patient enough with me to help me learn tools to: Pause. Embrace whatever the feelings are. Take control of what I can. Take agency to exit or fix what's impactful. Sometimes it is a lightbulb or an electrical hum at a high and painful frequency. Sometimes it's a polyester fabric I need to throw out and replace with pure cotton or wool (or cashmere). It might be a need for a walk, or to just go lie in the grass at the park and smell the ground. And other times it's learning to let go of a toxic relationship (which is excruciatingly hard as we can be loyal to a fault). Being an adult, I have a LOT more control. This is something I tried to remember as a parent. 

No one need to get to the place they should be shouting. Our experiences are relative and for Autistics who sense-perceive external and internal stimuli as 'too-real' or cannot filter the same, what appears to be a big emotion is simply the appropriate response for the way it's encountered. Small betrayals burn kingdoms. If we (as parents) dismiss our kids, it compounds the issue as they suddenly feel isolated and Erich Fromm has much to say on this. Sometimes they might just want to feel heard and acknowledged. A painful light can be turned off, a halogen can replace an LED. A sound can be lowered or ear plugs/ear defenders on hand. Always give children agency to exit - this is the safest habit to learn in a world full of harm. Most things are matters of little consequence. But the world we live in is a sensory nightmare.

Autistic kids will all have difficulty with transition and severe difficulty with interruption. This includes having a vision of what they're doing next and if suddenly it's not happening, it's a rug pulled from under.  interruptions are kryptonite, preparation is a parents key to success. In my household it's: "Luck favours the Prepared". Facilitate fluidness, flow. Finish one thing before starting the next.

Rarely did I allow my son to watch a thing he couldn't watch all the way to the end when he was young. And if we'd pull up in the drive, we'd finish the song in the car before turning it off. The problems arise as they grow, when Autistic Inertia is continually forced to quit, one might withdraw on a day when there's too many interruptions, and nothing is learned, everything is a haze and a blur: life is lifeless. OR it can be the last straw in an already difficult day. See: Monotropism.org

It turns out rules that apply to Autistic children are actually great for raising all children. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?fbclid=IwAR0e6pwWeDC7C0c3EJAE1qdd9PyMyCqkgwIvTDEIxPKGBOV7Qn9hrgN5kI8 It's parenting that's work. They simply need to feel grounded and connected. Sever either of these and trust takes that much longer to regain. Kids also need days where they're free to roam, free of unnecessary rules and can make mistakes, wander about on their own and just exist without any criticism. A Saturday or Sunday is good for this. If there's conflict between them, sit between them like a mediator and allow each to plead a case, help them to ask the right questions to negotiate and find solutions as a team. And just listen. But first give her enough time to collect thoughts - she may have a greater difficulty using words than he will, which is an unfair advantage.

I'm 50 and I cannot identify my emotions/feelings. This is called Alexithymia. I've managed to categorise them into Contentment, Frustration, Injustice and Confusion. I might have clarity after a few hours, days or even years... I also cannot read most others, so I cannot anticipate social actions. Many times it's shocking what someone might say and I've had enough practice from theatre arts classes, a deeper understanding of how our feelings arise from perspectives and beliefs. I also have had to take hormonal balancing herbs my whole life, and thankfully have encountered those patient enough with me to help me learn tools to: Pause. Embrace whatever the feelings are. Take control of what I can. Take agency to exit or fix what's impactful. Sometimes it is a lightbulb or an electrical hum at a high and painful frequency. Sometimes it's a polyester fabric I need to throw out and replace with pure cotton or wool (or cashmere). It might be a need for a walk, or to just go lie in the grass at the park and smell the ground. And other times it's learning to let go of a toxic relationship (which is excruciatingly hard as we can be loyal to a fault). Being an adult, I have a LOT more control. This is something I tried to remember as a parent.