Advice on dealing with autistic daughter and her sibling

I'm no expert on child psychology, but here's a suggestion.

Maybe you could talk to your daughter when your son is not around and explain that it's necessary for everyone to be treated fairly and equally in the family. So although you understand that she might have problems controlling her emotions because she is autistic, her brother is also having problems controlling his emotions because of jealousy.

When autistic people have meltdowns, we need to go to a safe quiet space to get calm. So you could explain to your daughter that if she becomes angry and aggressive, you will insist that she goes to her room for a while to calm down, but that it is not a punishment - it is to help her regain control of her emotions. Talk about what activities she could do in her room that don't seem like a reward, such as drawing, colouring, a jigsaw puzzle, or put a punch bag in there for her to take things out on - whatever helps her to decompress, redirect her mind and calm down. Then explain that you are going to treat her brother exactly the same way if his behaviour becomes aggressive. 

Also, make a schedule for weekend activities with the input of both children, where they get equal time doing activities of their choice, to help prevent jealousy from your son and give your daughter reassurance of what to expect each day.

I hope you can find something that works for your family.

Thank you too for the reply.

I actually did have a talk with her this afternoon when her brother wasn't around, and said pretty much exactly what you suggested so I'm pleased to hear you think that was a good plan.

She does know she should go to her room to calm down when she feels she needs to, but unfortunately by the time she's realised she should do that she's already started raging at us or her brother.  She still does to to her room though, and eventually calms down.  I like the idea of a punch bag!

Regarding treating her brother in the same way - that's a fair point - he does get sent to his room, but it's more of a "go to your room!" as a punishment rather than going to a safe space to calm down.  Maybe we should treat him in the same way, even though he's not autistic.  It might help the jealousy issue, and help him deal with his emotions (even if he's not autistic calming down in his room must still be a good skill to learn!).

They both have football matches every saturday morning which must be a good thing, and aside from that we do try to give them equal attention and support in whatever else they want to do.  Generally they also both get made to tidy their rooms!

Thanks again for the advice.

Thank you too for the reply.

I actually did have a talk with her this afternoon when her brother wasn't around, and said pretty much exactly what you suggested so I'm pleased to hear you think that was a good plan.

She does know she should go to her room to calm down when she feels she needs to, but unfortunately by the time she's realised she should do that she's already started raging at us or her brother.  She still does to to her room though, and eventually calms down.  I like the idea of a punch bag!

Regarding treating her brother in the same way - that's a fair point - he does get sent to his room, but it's more of a "go to your room!" as a punishment rather than going to a safe space to calm down.  Maybe we should treat him in the same way, even though he's not autistic.  It might help the jealousy issue, and help him deal with his emotions (even if he's not autistic calming down in his room must still be a good skill to learn!).

They both have football matches every saturday morning which must be a good thing, and aside from that we do try to give them equal attention and support in whatever else they want to do.  Generally they also both get made to tidy their rooms!

Thanks again for the advice.