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Autistic child struggling to cope after starting school

Billy87

So I just want some advice for how to help my autistic son. For clarity I should also add that I am autistic too, although my wife isn't.

My son started school in September for the first time and ever since he is really struggling. Every evening he comes home and has meltdowns then crashes and just sits on the sofa zoned out like a zombie. Everything upsets him, even the slightest little thing that is different from his routine or the way he wants things makes him dissolve into tears, crying his eyes out.

I hate seeing him like this and I just want to help him. The thing is, he is so shattered after school that he's not up to doing anything else. So we end up doing nothing as a family, like in the evening and weekends. Now what I'm not sure of is is this good for him? Is this what he needs? Because I don't want him and us to end up doing nothing but equally I don't want to force him to go out and do stuff he's not up to, because as an autistic person myself I know how destressing that feels. 

Any help or advice with this or general coping strategies for him with school would be greatly appreciated

  • Both my children struggled to an extreme degree when starting school - to the extent of suffering both physical and mental health problems. At the time I knew very little about autism and certainly didn’t know that they were both autistic - and both they and myself now have a diagnosis of autism.

    I think it’s hard to overstate just how challenging starting school can be for some children - especially autistic children. I’m not sure to what degree your son is able to talk about how he’s feeling about school? Or to express what he feels he needs at this point. My guess from what you say is that it’s so overwhelming for him that when he gets back he is ‘shutting down’ to try to rest and recover. If he needs to rest and go nowhere then (in my view) you need to let him do that. Presumably that’s what he needs to do. But I think it also reflects that school is not going well for him - and you need to find out exactly what his difficulties are in school and attempt to get him the help and support he needs when he’s there. That might be a challenge. It’s very difficult when they are so young and it’s hard for them to articulate how they feel and what they need.

    But he’s obviously struggling very deeply and this needs to be addressed - and addressed as quickly as is possible. There can be long term mental health consequences for children who find school so distressing and don’t get really good support. If he needs the rest of not going out at weekends then I think you need to prioritise his welfare and for a while adjust your expectations. He needs you, he needs your understanding and total support. 

  • I am a dual certified retired teacher living in southern Nevada. While I cannot speak in detail about schools in the United Kingdom might I ask if your son has a clinical diagnosis of autism? If so, is the school aware that your son is autistic? 

    The first year of school can be incredibly stressful insofar as it involves going someplace that your child has never been and having to interact with people whom he doesn't know. Unless the teacher has a schedule up that shows squential pictures of coming activities, your child will also be in a stiuation in which he doesn't know how his day will unfold and what will happen next. 

    Since the average primary teacher often wants his or her classroom to look welcoming, the classroom may be over cluttered with colorful bulletin boards, plastic cartons of toys, posters and other things that can become visual distractions to people with autism. 

    My suggestion would be to bring your concerns to the atttention to the classroom teacher and whoever is in charge of this school.

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Quality time is important, especially for the father of the child.

    I never had the chance to bond with my dad, he was too busy working. Then he was killed, in the Troubles.

  • Can you go to the park and do nothing? Or a weekly walk? If it's possible to make every Sunday, say, a day hike, maybe even quietly, perhaps that's a time to be together and regroup? Exercise is important and nature is a good repair. I did this with my son and now he's diligent with his time out doors. We're a video game family, I should add. But we'll walk to the shop and just lay in the park for a moment. Nothing like the smell of grass :)

  • That sounds terrible for him - I'm sorry that you're all struggling with this situation.

    There's a wealth of great advice here on how to help your son, including about how to get his educational needs properly assessed and supported:

    NAS - Extra help at school

    NAS - Education choices

    NAS - Transitions