Published on 12, July, 2020
So I just want some advice for how to help my autistic son. For clarity I should also add that I am autistic too, although my wife isn't.
My son started school in September for the first time and ever since he is really struggling. Every evening he comes home and has meltdowns then crashes and just sits on the sofa zoned out like a zombie. Everything upsets him, even the slightest little thing that is different from his routine or the way he wants things makes him dissolve into tears, crying his eyes out.
I hate seeing him like this and I just want to help him. The thing is, he is so shattered after school that he's not up to doing anything else. So we end up doing nothing as a family, like in the evening and weekends. Now what I'm not sure of is is this good for him? Is this what he needs? Because I don't want him and us to end up doing nothing but equally I don't want to force him to go out and do stuff he's not up to, because as an autistic person myself I know how destressing that feels.
Any help or advice with this or general coping strategies for him with school would be greatly appreciated
Both my children struggled to an extreme degree when starting school - to the extent of suffering both physical and mental health problems. At the time I knew very little about autism and certainly didn’t know that they were both autistic - and both they and myself now have a diagnosis of autism.
I think it’s hard to overstate just how challenging starting school can be for some children - especially autistic children. I’m not sure to what degree your son is able to talk about how he’s feeling about school? Or to express what he feels he needs at this point. My guess from what you say is that it’s so overwhelming for him that when he gets back he is ‘shutting down’ to try to rest and recover. If he needs to rest and go nowhere then (in my view) you need to let him do that. Presumably that’s what he needs to do. But I think it also reflects that school is not going well for him - and you need to find out exactly what his difficulties are in school and attempt to get him the help and support he needs when he’s there. That might be a challenge. It’s very difficult when they are so young and it’s hard for them to articulate how they feel and what they need.
But he’s obviously struggling very deeply and this needs to be addressed - and addressed as quickly as is possible. There can be long term mental health consequences for children who find school so distressing and don’t get really good support. If he needs the rest of not going out at weekends then I think you need to prioritise his welfare and for a while adjust your expectations. He needs you, he needs your understanding and total support.