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Is it all too much ??

DansMum73

Hello, i have a 17 year old son, high level Aspergers, currently at Sixth Form. He is studying four subjects full time. He also attends Boys Brigade on Friday evenings, is going for his Duke of Edinburgh silver and attends meetings, is a teaching assistant on Thursdays, has mentoring on Wednesday evenings 6-9 and Saturdays 11-4 and has a paper round on Sundays. He is currently looking for a part time job for a bit of extra money and is just waiting for his provisonal licence to come throught the post before he starts his driving lessons. He is half way through Sixth Form and so we are also looking at Uni's for him. There is also the obvious mountain of homework ....

My point is that I feel he has taken a lot if not too much on. When i try to speak to him about dropping something, the rows and violence begins and he is abusive beyond belief (or maybe not!).  i get no support whatsoever from Sixth Form or D of E or Boys Brigade so i am always the bad cop. They always want to deal with him and not me.

i get that he wants to do these things and fit in and believe me i am bursting with pride for him. but i am watching my son deteriorate. he doesnt eat, he doesnt sleep well and he would never ever admit to anyone (even me) that he wasn't coping.

Am i just panicking or should i try harder to get him to make some changes

thanks for reading.

  • Thank you for all your comments. Very interesting. I have just come back from College parent's evening. They say he needs to do a lot more revising and work at home to improve. I am desperately struggling with this.

    Also, probably a very obvious question, but can someone tell me if parents can be carers? I have been on our local Council website and the support they offer looks like just what I need before I go off my trolley. I don't want the Carer's Allowance - just the support!

  • I think the danger is, even if he is managing it now, burnout will eventually hit.  The trouble is, you can tell someone something but you can't make them see it if they don't want to, they need to experience it for themselves.  As you have seen, he is already suffering effects from his busy schedule.  The only thing I can think of is to show him logically, not emotionally, how it isn't sustainable.  He is at the age where he wants desperately to fit in, he will have more energy for this now than he will in years to come, but even so, it seems like he is causing himself a problem already.

  • Well when I was in school i had something different on each night. Mondays- Guides( when I was too old for guides i eventually replaced it with Karate), Tuesdays- Dancing (and as I got older this became taekwondo), Wednesdays- Climbing, Thursdays- Clarinet lesson, Fridays- Kayaking and then Saturday morning I went Sailing and Sunday I had to spend with family until I was a bit older then it was more school work and time for other interests. I couldn't have got through my school days without all of this, I was always really nervous before going to the activities too because of the social interaction but I loved the activities and was alright when I was there. I couldn't do all that now, it would be too much for me, but at the time it wasn't a problem and to be honest I needed it. Maybe as Misskittykat said its a way of having control and routine, I'm not even sure myself but maybe he needs it too?

  • Is he perhaps filling his time with such a detailed timetable because it makes him feel safe having so much routine?  I was exhausted reading it!  I got a sleep app for my daughters ipod so I could monitor her sleep as she's been telling me for years how badly she sleeps.  The app has helped me see and prepare myself for how the day might go.  Might be helpful for your son too?

  • Would a written timetable of what he does make him see that he has very little free time?Ask him if he'd do it with you, you coud do one too, perhaps you could say you would like to spend some time with him and this would help you find out when is best for you both? I know that visual support really helps my ASD children understand, but they are younger, just thought its worth suggesting.

    Good luck