My daughter just started at university and she's finding anxiety is crippling. She has an autism diagnosis. Now she is finding she is too anxious to go out of her room, and is really struggling. What advice do others have about this scenario?
She was adamant she wanted to try somewhere else away from home, and didn't take a year out either. I'm torn about what to do for the best, and worried about her mental health.
Thank you - I was going to ask if the student had a Mentor through DSA. Basically, mentors (Non-Medical Helpers - Autism Mentors) are available for autistic students and for students with mental health needs - some of us do both. The accommodations you describe are very much the sort of think that I would recommend.
I recommend that your daughter looks at what student societies best align with her special interests. I didn't do this when I was at university 20 years ago as an undiagnosed autist. However, I was very lucky to meet my best friend (also autistic), and 95% of what we spoke about - and still speak about - is music. Meeting him (and my wife!) was the best thing about university, during which I spent many, many hours in my own company.
just to add, make sure that she knows it’s perfectly normal to not really make any friends or to not get involved in any fresher activities. it can feel so isolating and shameful especially when everyone else is going out all night etc. but it is honestly better to be comfortable and not push yourself to do things you know you won’t enjoy, just because everyone else is. i found it so much better to just use freshers week to get comfortable in my flat room and decorate to make it feel homely.
I’ve recently graduated from university and massively struggled with not leaving my room because of my autism and severe social anxiety. i only lived in student accommodation for a year and half but i was regularly going home as often as i could. i would recommend that your daughter has lots of snacks and easily prepared meals or food that she can keep in her room, as well as drinks such as water. then if she can’t go into the kitchen or leave her room then she has everything she needs. in regards to classes, i strongly suggest contacting the disability and wellbeing team and make them aware of her autism and anxiety, i found that they were really helpful at my university and helped me to get assessment and exam extensions and help. they can also communicate on your behalf to lecturers to maybe arrange doing work in her room so she doesn’t have to attend the lecture or seminar. obviously this can vary from course but i imagine they still offer the same support. if you need anything else or any advice im happy to help especially since i’ve experienced this first hand :)
Your daughter must be incredibly brave to choose to move away from home, even if she is struggling. In a way, it is a transition from childhood to adulthood, so one long term positive could be that it prepares her for what more is to come. However, that doesn't really help with now.
I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice, I just wanted to explain how I felt at university over 20 years ago. I too moved away from home to study and it immediately felt like such a shock to my system, how different life became. I did not know I was autistic back then, so I didn't understand why I didn't seem to fit in with anyone, or why I felt so alien compared to everyone else. I eventually came to the (wrong) conclusion that I should stay away from people and just focus on studying, but that led to significant long term problems. Even though staying in my room was a safe space, the isolation did end up becoming crippling. I always went to lectures and made sure I ate etc, but I actively avoided all social contact. I would even listen out for people in the hallway until I was certain it was empty before leaving the room. I talked to no-one for my whole first year.
I did eventually make 2 close friends, which helped for the remainder of the course, otherwise I don't know what would have happened to me. In the end that is what is important - on some level your daughter should be allowed to feel safe, but on another be encouraged to explore outside more. How that is done I don't know - some suggestions here about support groups are things I was not aware of, so they sound like positive possibilities. All I know is that she should not end up like I did, it is not a healthy way to live.
I’m not starting uni until next week so I can’t yet comment on my experience, but a year ago I thought I’d feel exactly the same and was so scared about everything so I did take a gap year which has been amazing to help me feel more prepared, become more comfortable around other people and just really improved my mental health. I know you said she didn’t want to take a year out but if you’re really worried or if she’s really struggling then maybe it’s something to discuss? You could also talk to the uni and see if there’s any other help or support they could offer. Otherwise she could try and take it slow, get out of her room a tiny bit more each day, gradually feeling comfortable enough to go out??
Hi,
I'm sorry to hear your daughter is finding university difficult, I certainly did when I started. I'm currently a third year.
I would also recommend you recommend her to come join us on here, I like to think we're a supportive community.
I have some questions to better guide my responses, and also some idea of what I currently have as support that help me at uni.
Can I ask what support she currently has in place? Does she have DSA or contact with the university disability team?
If you're happy to share, what university is she going to and what is she studying? Out of the two, what she's studying is more pertinent.
To what extent is she struggling to go out of her room? Is she getting food? Does she have ensuite or is she having to leave to go to the bathroom? What about cooking? Has she done any freshers events thus far? What about academic stuff? Is she going to meetings, lectures or induction events?
Now for stuff that helps me leave my room:
I have a mentor provided by my university who I find really helps, and many have this provided by DSA. He has helped talk me through plans for going to individual events, starting small, and originally just academic stuff, but eventually joining some societies. He also helps with things like meal planning.
I have special accommodation where I don't share a bathroom or cooking facilities in order to help me manage when I am overwhelmed and can't be around people. This was put in place when I stopped eating much in first year due to the effort to go to a communal kitchen where there might be other people. Not every uni can provide this though.
I have a student support document that allow me to do things like wear earplugs to lectures, and record them to review later, and access recording if I haven't been able to go.
DSA have given me an app called brain in Hand, which also comes with support staff and support in setting it up. It's amazing, and it really helps me deal with unexpected events when I'm out, which helps remove some of the anxiety.
That's some of the things that really helped me, I can also give more specific advice when I understand more about the situation.
Hope that helped a bit
