Autism at University

Your daughter must be incredibly brave to choose to move away from home, even if she is struggling. In a way, it is a transition from childhood to adulthood, so one long term positive could be that it prepares her for what more is to come. However, that doesn't really help with now.

I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice, I just wanted to explain how I felt at university over 20 years ago. I too moved away from home to study and it immediately felt like such a shock to my system, how different life became. I did not know I was autistic back then, so I didn't understand why I didn't seem to fit in with anyone, or why I felt so alien compared to everyone else. I eventually came to the (wrong) conclusion that I should stay away from people and just focus on studying, but that led to significant long term problems. Even though staying in my room was a safe space, the isolation did end up becoming crippling. I always went to lectures and made sure I ate etc, but I actively avoided all social contact. I would even listen out for people in the hallway until I was certain it was empty before leaving the room. I talked to no-one for my whole first year.

I did eventually make 2 close friends, which helped for the remainder of the course, otherwise I don't know what would have happened to me. In the end that is what is important - on some level your daughter should be allowed to feel safe, but on another be encouraged to explore outside more. How that is done I don't know - some suggestions here about support groups are things I was not aware of, so they sound like positive possibilities. All I know is that she should not end up like I did, it is not a healthy way to live.

I’m not starting uni until next week so I can’t yet comment on my experience, but a year ago I thought I’d feel exactly the same and was so scared about everything so I did take a gap year which has been amazing to help me feel more prepared, become more comfortable around other people and just really improved my mental health. I know you said she didn’t want to take a year out but if you’re really worried or if she’s really struggling then maybe it’s something to discuss? You could also talk to the uni and see if there’s any other help or support they could offer. Otherwise she could try and take it slow, get out of her room a tiny bit more each day, gradually feeling comfortable enough to go out??

While I agree with you to a certain extent; from personal experience when it gets to such a degree that you aren't eating or buying food things need to be put in place.

Even missing academic commitments can lead to you falling behind enough you need to or are asked to leave. So I think this advice has its limits.

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear your daughter is finding university difficult, I certainly did when I started. I'm currently a third year.

I would also recommend you recommend her to come join us on here, I like to think we're a supportive community.

I have some questions to better guide my responses, and also some idea of what I currently have as support that help me at uni. 

Can I ask what support she currently has in place? Does she have DSA or contact with the university disability team? 

If you're happy to share, what university is she going to and what is she studying? Out of the two, what she's studying is more pertinent.

To what extent is she struggling to go out of her room? Is she getting food? Does she have ensuite or is she having to leave to go to the bathroom? What about cooking? Has she done any freshers events thus far? What about academic stuff? Is she going to meetings, lectures or induction events?

Now for stuff that helps me leave my room:

I have a mentor provided by my university who I find really helps, and many have this provided by DSA. He has helped talk me through plans for going to individual events, starting small, and originally just academic stuff, but eventually joining some societies. He also helps with things like meal planning.

I have special accommodation where I don't share a bathroom or cooking facilities in order to help me manage when I am overwhelmed and can't be around people. This was put in place when I stopped eating much in first year due to the effort to go to a communal kitchen where there might be other people. Not every uni can provide this though. 

I have a student support document that allow me to do things like wear earplugs to lectures, and record them to review later, and access recording if I haven't been able to go.

DSA have given me an app called brain in Hand, which also comes with support staff and support in setting it up. It's amazing, and it really helps me deal with unexpected events when I'm out, which helps remove some of the anxiety. 

That's some of the things that really helped me, I can also give more specific advice when I understand more about the situation.

Hope that helped a bit

The more she associates safety with her room the more she will begin to like uni and it won’t bother her anymore because she will know that she can always go back to her safe space because she will have created that association with the room and safety.

Just tell her it’s okay to stay in her room. Tell her she can spend as much time as she wants in there u til she feels like going out. That would be my advice. Forcing her to leave her room could lead to a meltdown or worse she might leave uni out of fear. You don’t want that I’d imagine.