Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi All,
I'm on the fence as to whether our 5yr old child is exhibiting PDA behaviour or not, and would like some advice if anyone has some.
From a parenting point of view, we tend to fall into two camps. One of us is a bit stricter - if they refuse to do something, they're happy to have a mexican stand off make it clear where the boundary lies (with patience, not aggression might I add). I'll call them Parent A. The other is more of a "lets keep the peace", and is very quick to cave to demands in the name of the greater good. I'll call them Parent B.
Some observations I have made, is that the when Parent A is trying to enforce the boundary, the child will scream, and tantrum and very vocally refuse - until the Parent B feels like they have to intervene.
However, if Parent B is absent, there is never any conflict. They know that they won't get their way if they push back, and they're very well behaved. They're in no way sad - they just don't push against what they're asked.
If Parent A is absent, Parent B is often left tired and flustered having to meet the constant demands for fear of a meltdown.
School don't seem to have any issues with them.
Now, Parent B is saying that it has all the hallmarks of PDA, and they're just masking at school. Parent A's stance is that it's a small child knowing they've got one parent wrapped around their finger
I just wondered if anyone else has any experience with it being related to just one parent. Could they really be masking in all instances, except with Parent B in the house?
It's so hard to tell, because I can see the validity of both sides, and it's so hard to diagnose conclusively
Hi and welcome to the community.
You might both find the following article helpful:
NAS - Demand avoidance
Honestly, I'd stop trying to diagnose, problem solve yes, but diagnose not so much as you know s/he can behave, what you decribe all sounds pretty normal to me, if s/he knows that one parent will cave in, then why not go for it, I mean wouldn't you if you were 5?
I think when one has a diagnosis theres a temptation to only see behaviours through the lens of that diagnosis and to seek more diagnosis in the hope of finding AN ANSWER, but the danger with this is we create something that needs diagnosing, a sort of self fulfilling prophesy. Step back and ask if this sort of thing is normal for a 5 year old, maybe look at something like mumsnet.
Good luck, I remember all to well the distress a small screaming child can cause an adult.