Struggling to support young adult son

Hello Mumofmany,

 I too have a son with Aspergers who's struggling with a very difficult transition and much of what you mention sounds very familiar. On the flip side, I believe I am the undiagnosed Apsie of the family, given my own severe struggles through life and the diagnosis and struggles of my immediate siblings.

For my own son, he struggles to manage money and has no concept of budgeting, so getting him to accept or recognize how the world works in terms of rent and commitments is non-existent. He is also impulsive and this can cause him and others, a great deal of angst as he tries to manage his everyday life.

Unlike his older brother who also has a diagnosis of Aspergers, he has struggled to come to terms with it and this is compounded by his severe dyslexia as he is heavily reliant on his family to read texts and to help him comply with the rules that most of us have to abide by in everyday life. He seems constantly angry and frankly fearful, so like you we make adjustments, but at times he can be truely hurtful.

Unlike your son, our sons job prospects are hampered by the severity of his needs, but his difficulties in finding and using tools to overcome those disabilities also exacerbate the situation.

Fundamentally he's a good kid, he's never been in trouble, but his obsessive behaviour and impulsive reactions make him an easy target for being taken advantage of, or misunderstood. His failure to see the ill intent of others has left him penniless on more than a few occasions and for a parent to witness this is heartbreaking.

He too wants to move in with a girlfriend, however, he has no understanding of what may be involved or the precariousness/selectiveness of the job market and how he might pay the rent or any other bills for that matter.

The awkward situation about having to help him is that he needs assistance with his money management and that is not always viewed positively by him. We divide his allowance up to cover his transport costs to college, a personal allowance and an emergency support fund and still it's not appreciated. His personal allowance is generally gone within two days and you are constantly hounded for more money to support him through the rest of the month. He gets angry and apparently it’s everybody else’s fault! Despite him being on the high functioning end of the spectrum it's still difficult for him to understand and appreciate that there are other members of the family that have needs and that there isn't a money tree growing in the garden which is constantly in flower.

To her credit, his girlfriend rebukes him when he's being unreasonable toward his family, however his obsessive behaviour towards her, means that she is now generally the focus of an allowance that is meant to specifically support his needs.

The struggles he encounters just to get through his day are immense and leave a wake of exhaustion following his many meltdowns. Frankly, it would take the patience of a saint to put up with his level of anxiety and emotional immaturity. Yet we battle on wearily and there are regularly times where I just have to stand back.

I think the point that I’m making here is that there are some situations that no matter how glaringly obvious they are, sufferers will not necessarily get it. Not immediately at least. For some it may take many years, for others it will allude them completely.

For me history is repeating itself. My own brothers inability to manage money and his anger toward everyone else for his learning difficulties, brought my mother to an early grave. LITTERALLY! She had a stroke and died following one of his meltdowns and he still doesn’t appreciate what he put her through!

Like you, I Struggle daily, but there comes a time when you have to accept that their perception of a situation isn’t always right, but no one is to blame.

Perhaps they are angry and fearful. Perhaps they are at odds with themselves and just want to be accepted by everyone else as’ Normal’ whatever that means. You could expend days, months or years trying to fathom it and still not come up with a reason.

In your heart and mind, if you know that you did your very best thats all you could do. You cannot reproach yourself.

As hard as it sounds you need to let it go. It could make you ill or worse. If he’s meant to understand he will, but it will be in his time.

I hope my post doesn’t cause you to despair, hopefully the moral of our sorry tale will prevent you stressing so much it makes you ill. As mothers we give, but appreciation for the sacrifices we make, is never a given.

My heart goes out to you, I have every sympathy with your plight. A plight that many of us with both an Apsie or NT in the family, share. Take care.

Coogy

Hi - this must be so distressing for you + the rest of your family, especially when it's unclear why he's taken this position.  My son, in his 20s, has autism, but not aspergers. I haven't had to cope with your situation.  I'm not sure what else you can do, except to let him know you love him + will always be there for him.  In the end he's chosen a certain path, at least for the time being.  If you feel he is managing ok, living with his girlfriend, having a decently paid job, then take that as a comfort.  We don't know what the future holds so his attitude to his family may change.  I understand it is difficult to talk to those who haven't a clue about autism.  They just don't "get it".  There may well be other posters who can relate to your situation + who'll contribute.  However much you all love him + are hurt by his repeated rejection, I think trying to get him to change won't work as things stand. It may make him worse if he feels your requests are pressurising.  I know it's because you all love him + are concerned/hurt.  I do feel for you as his mum.  I just think for the time-being you need to step right back, however hard that is + continue to do your short messaging now + then.  His new relationship may not last, the job market can be perilous, so whatever you need to be there for him if things change.

Did I blame autism? Or was I asking for support to help my son? Apologies if you feel it was the former. I realise it happens in many families however, I do think that my son's lifelong difficulty with relationships and his inability to empathise with how others are feeling is a strong contributory factor in this and the stumbling block to finding a solution for him and the rest of the family. And those factors are related to his autism. I'm not 'blaming' autism. What use would that serve? I'm looking for support from others who may have experienced something similar.

What you are describing frequently happens in NT families, so why blame autism?

Children growing up often rebel and react against their families. And spouses or partners often contribute to the breaking up of family ties and old circles of friends. Indeed sounds like his new partrner is largely the factor here, and unless you think she may be on the spectrum, I think you need to try to separate this from any contributing autism factor.

These things happen, way too often in families, whether an NT or autistic context.

Autism certainly creates barriers, and generates strong feelings. But don't blame it for everything.