Two of my four children have Asperger’s Syndrome and although my husband isn’t diagnosed, we all realise he does too. Sometimes he’s in denial about this but most of the time he accepts that he can see very close similarities between him and our boys.
My older Aspie son is now aged 20 and I’m finding it very difficult to continue being a supportive mum as he has ostracised himself from the family. He’s always been quite difficult but as he’s made the transition into adult life his personality has changed and he seems to have a lot of hate for his family and a distorted view of his childhood. I wondered whether there are any other parents who have been in a similar situation and where they have found support from?
I have read widely on Asperger’s and give my son the space he needs. I’ve been very understanding of his condition and have made allowances for him throughout his life and have also fought his corner and supported him through times of self harm and problems at school.
Last September he moved in with his girlfriend because he couldn’t cope with our request for him to contribute to the household financially as his older sister does. He has a job in IT and earns £30,000 a year! He also refused to play any part in family life and got angry and agitated if we so much as asked him to take a plate out to the kitchen! He was clearly struggling with his transition into adult and working life. But as far as I’m aware, he’s been a different person altogether with his girlfriend and her family and is seen as the model guy!
I’m really hurt by this, and from his withdrawal from the family over the past months which has now come to a head with him throwing us out of his flat on New Year’s Eve (because he simply didn’t seem to want us there – we’d only popped round for an hour to see his new flat!). He refused to take calls or to have anything to do with us on his birthday and has withdrawn from his brothers and sister too. We are a close family and this has been deeply distressing for us all.
We’ve seen him about three times since then – when he has popped round to pick up his post. Sometimes he responds to Whatsapp messages (my preferred method of contact with him as I can see if he’s read the message!) and other times he just ignores us. He’s refused to give us his phone number and has made it clear we’re not welcome to visit his home.
This weekend was his brother’s 18thbirthday and I’d politely messaged him saying that we expected him to see his brother on his birthday, even if it was just popping round. He ignored our messages and didn’t turn up on his brother’s birthday.
My daughter sent him a message saying how disappointed she was. And as a result both me and my daughter have had a stream of abusive emails from his girlfriend telling us he hates us and always has and that she won’t be encouraging him to have anything to do with us.
I’m struggling with all of this – as it opens up demons from my own childhood (I hated my mother but that was because she couldn’t show any love or support, only hatred towards me.). My only aim in life has been to be a good mother and my other three children all tell me I’ve done an amazing job of bringing them all up and they can’t understand why their brother is like this.
My husband has no empathy so can’t support me in this. I don’t want to burden my kids with my angst and I find other people with neurotypical families don’t understand just how devastating this all is. Which is why I’d like to find support from others who have suffered similar situations – in particular I’d like to make contact with other mums of young adult Aspies who also have a partner on the spectrum.
I need to work out in my head how my son can control himself when around his girlfriend and her family, yet be so hateful and nasty to us. Is it common for people with Asperger’s to take out their anger and frustration only on people they are particularly close to? If he can exercise control around his girlfriend and her family, why not around us?
Any advice or stories of similar situations greatly welcomed!
