Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My son is 12 years old and was diagnosed with ASD with a PDA profile in May, 2024. He struggled in secondary school and hasn't been since May. He doesn't feel safe there so we have been working to see how we can have alternative education with his school. In the last few weeks we've reduced our demands on him as much as possible. His only friends are in gaming so we've let him play all day. If I suggest a short, 5 minute walk he becomes very angry and yells and it ends in tears. We're very close but he won't speak to me for days after. He is such a wonderful boy and I am heartbroken that he feels this much anxiety and that he sees even a request to brush his teeth as a threat. I want to help him in whatever way. I just worry that he is getting stuck in this world and it's not healthy for him. Even shutting off at night is upsetting enough so he often won't speak to me after. All his meals are in the playroom while he's on his playstation.
He can be the loveliest, sweetest and loving guy, but if there is any sort of demand at all on him - eg. shutting off after 10 hours on his playstation - it causes him so much distress. I worry about taking him to a counsellor or child psychiatrist because it will upset him too much he won't benefit from it. He still doesn't understand autism and just sees it as a negative. If he thinks someone is dumb he'll call them autistic.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Kind regards,
As a parent, sometimes the best idea is to let our kids know that "I want to seek advice to better parent and would like you to help me". First of all, it can only help. We can all use advice. So, I would book a therapist or psychiatrist who specialises in autism/ADHD and genuinely let them know these sessions will be focused on you unless the child asks for advice. The goal would be to create a familiarity with someone who gives amazing advice that works. Your son will watch you be open to new ideas and will learn by proxy. He needs to feel a sense of agency and may take over the session at some point when he feels more familiar.
I know a young woman who went to family therapy with her parents and eventually continued long after they stopped.
Health and safety have to be priority. Have you set up a schedule with him? Sometimes just one new routine at a time is less overwhelming. 10 hours on a game is a bit much unless it's once a fortnight and one is winding down. But daily, I'd pre-arrange time to pause, as out-of-nowhere interruptions can be like waking a sleepwalker. Task switching is incredibly difficult and it doesn't change. It's part of the capacity to hyper focus and Autistic Inertia. If he was out side building a thing all day this might not be a problem. But the human body isn't designed to be stationary like that on a regular basis. So rather than spur of the moment interruptions, I'd put an analoge clock or 24 hour clock on his wall and a board with intervals to pause at and maybe one expectation of the day (a 5 minute walk or a race to the end of the road at 14:00). Most likely, a psychologist can help advise a plan and hopefully with your son's input, so he feels like he has a say in the matter and learns a type of responsibility for his own life.
Our job is to help them into their future. Get a vision of what his possilbities are and help him get there, even if he's angry at you. It's not our job to be their friend (nor foe), but a guide and support, much like a nursery, where sometimes the difficult work yields thriving results.