anxiety with lunch time and P.E.

IntenseWorld said:

 We've had lies from them as well as refusal to support her. 

We had the same and it really shook my faith in the education system. It is restored now that both of my daughters are in excellent schools where their needs are readily recognised and met and they are both flourishing in their own ways.

Hang on in there  

Thank you Upsy Daisy.  I cannot believe that professionals who purport to care about children could put them through so much suffering - and deliberately.  School staff can be absolutely evil.  We've had lies from them as well as refusal to support her.  I'm so pleased your daughter is doing well, and I will do all I can to help my daughter get to the same place.

Sorry to hijack the thread but I just wanted to tell IntenseWorld that I have been through a virtually identical experience with my older daughter. She missed almost the whole of year 8 while being assessed and diagnosed and narrowly escaped a complete breaskdown requiring in patient treatment. She wouldn't leave her bedroom for months. The school treated her appallingly and only sent one set of work home, in response to a letter from our MP.

Four years later, following horrendous battles for support, she is now in good school provision and is a very different person. She is happy, confident and doing well academically.

I never would have believed that would happen a few years ago but it has so I wanted to share with you that your daughter can do the same.

I hope things continue to improve for her. 

If your daughter cannot handle school, potentially you could keep her off with anxiety and ask the school to send work home for her to do.  No education in the world is worth your child's health.

She sounds incredibly anxious and clearly cannot handle her school.  Something needs to happen urgently before she becomes very ill.

A school has a duty to make adjustments for a child who is suffering in this way.

Don't be scared to fight for what she needs just because she doesn't yet have a diagnosis.  She may end up traumatised and it will take a lot of time to recover.

My 12yo has just been diagnosed and her school would not listen, she was in such state of anxiety and depression over school, melting down and self-harming at home, that in the end I kept her off with anxiety.  She had a mental health assessment with CAMHS which found she had generalised anxiety and we are moving her to a better school.  Despite asking her school for work to do at home they ignored us.  In the time she was there, they refused to accept she wasn't coping and denied her any support.

Now, despite not having been in the school this year at all, being off with anxiety all that time, she is still traumatised and scared she will never get the memory of that school and how they treated her out of her head.  Don't let that happen to your daughter.

And as an adult with Asperger's myself, I can tell you, PTSD is almost impossible to get rid of.

The time around diagnosis is an emotional roller coaster for parents. You are relived that someone is finally seeing the problem but, at the same time, having to come to terms with the fact that your child has a permanent neurological disorder.

Give yourself some time to adjust and get your own head round this. You don't have to be perfect and change needs to happen gradually, with time to evaluate and change things back of they don't work.

Take some deep breaths and plan some 'me' time. You need to look after yourself for your daughter's benefit as well as your own. 

Thank you all very much for all your advice, I've spoken to the school support worker and awaiting call from the school nurse, my daughter is supposed to be having somebody come in to talk to her and to me about different strategies regarding her anxieties who is qualified with dealing with autism,  like I said it's all very new and we as a family are still getting used to the idea,up till now we have just coped but it then food issues and her food refusal that rung alarm bells with everyone,  I knew a long time ago that there was something but I was afraid nobody would listen to me and we are still struggling with some people as they are very ignorant to this and I cry quite a bit as all I want is for my daughter to get the help and support that she needs and for us as parents to get the support which we so desperately need to help her thrive,  it's been an incredibly difficult time these last few years as I've seen things just manifest and I've felt helpless to do anything but now we've seen a paediatrician twice in medway and she has been very helpful and we are taking onboard everything she has suggested regarding her sleeping,  eating and we have been told that we will have to change a lot to help her cope with everyday things which others take for granted,  my daughter has some bizarre coping mechanisms which the school have seen a few but for us at home its how we get through a whole day without the dramas. So sorry to babble on but its so nice to talk to others going through the same thi, thanks again x

You need to explain to the school that, while some children need to be encouraged to make progress, children with AS often feel more anxious when pressure is applied so it can be counter-productive.

The more anxious your daughter feels, the harder it will be for her to learn in the classroom and the more likely she is to start to refuse to attend school. It isn't in their best interests to push her either.

Classrooms are very socially intense environments. Children are expected to work together and interact while they are learning so your daughter isn't going to become isolated. What she probably needs is some quiet recovery time to recharge her batteries during the lunch hour in order for her to be able to cope with the social interaction in the classroom during the afternoon.

It's often hard for teachers to see that children having time alone is a good thing but, for children with AS, it can be very positive and equip them to cope during the rest of the day.

Your daughter may well appear to be fine in school and happy in the classroom. Lots of children with AS do so teachers don't see the underlying anxiety. In their heads she is probably OK most of the time and just needs a nudge to get over her worries about lunch. In reality she is probably at the limit of her ability to cope in the classroom and the dining hall takes her beyond that. This isn't going to go away just because her Coeliac disease is being treated. She needs sensory breaks and is creating them for herself at the moment. They shouldn't be taken from her.

Be clear with the school that they need to continue with the current arrangements until she feels ready to change it, if that time ever comes.

The same for PE. If she's active at other times and PE is the straw that breaks her back, be clear that pushing her, even gently, will cause harm.

You will probably be made to feel like you're overreacting. You're not. You're responding to the behaviour you see at home and they need to do that too, even if they don't see the evidence first hand.

Standing up for my daughters' rights in school was one of the hardest things I had to learn when they were diagnosed but it has been well worth gritting my teeth and being firm about what they need.

Hi - as you say, anxiety cd make her feel nauseous + if she has sensory issues do to with smells + maybe other senses then it'll be v difficult for her.  The school doesn't understand but if they're sympathetic then perhaps you cd run off info for them to read?  Also, if your GP is understanding then you could get a letter explaining how her as yet undiagnosed autism is affecting her ability to join in with PE/lunchtimes etc.  She also will need somewhere quiet to go at school when things get too much to cope with.  Keep pushing for the assessment to be moved along.  If she is diagnosed then you can apply for a statement of educational needs which shd get her the support she needs at school, such as a TA.  It can be v difficult to explain to neuro typical people how autism affects someone.  They don't get the "it's too noisy, too overstimulating, too chaotic etc".  This is because they understand these phrases thru their own experiences + not the experiences of an autistic person.  I sometimes say imagine how noisy this wd be for you if you multiplied it by 5 or 10.  Good luck with everything.

Sensitivity issues are pretty common with children with ASD.  My only advice would be to listen to your child and try to find ways that you can alleviate some of the stressors.  My youngest doesn't do PE at school for many of the reasons you mentioned.  Instead I have a home / school agreement whereby he gets his exercise in other ways, in his case swimming, dog walking and horse riding.  He also hates lunchtimes and he now has a quiet sectioned off area where he can block out the other children.  If this is not possible, maybe sitting in your car at lunchtime might be another option to consider.  A while ago I gave my son lavender scented tissues that he could smell when he felt nauseated by food smells.  This worked for a while.    It also helps if the school will let the child go to a safe / quiet place when overwhelmed.  Just knowing that they can get away helps enormously and although my son doesn't use it so much now, it does give him some comfort.  Hope this helps.