Published on 12, July, 2020
My 20 year old daughter keeps taking my belongings without asking. Clothes, shoes, make up etc. She goes through my wardrobe and drawers. A lot of things have been ruined as she is careless with them. I often find my clothes screwed up in her room. I have found two pairs of shoes that she took with the heel caps off but she continued to wear them so worn down now. today I realised a favourite skirt was missing and tried contacting her about it. She has eventually replied and said she took it to try on at her friends house (she is now at her boyfriends) and will pick it up tomorrow. I have tried so many times to explain that taking things and going in my room, drawers, wardrobe to look for things is disrespectful and is actually stealing and how it makes me feel. She has just now told me she forgot she had taken it and has a compulsion to take things. Advice please on how I can deal with this as it is making me really upset and angry. At times I want her out of the house!
Is she ADHD?
autism can come with a different biology, with a different perspective and way of communicating, all of which underneath, are human. We still need to learn the detailed structure of ethics, and of disciplines that work with (and for) our potential. Matters of the heart and things of consequence.
While we can be accident-prone and so need to be reminded to do things one thing at a time, and there might be biological reasons we're affected by a foggy-headedness, which might be fixed with diet (I take a nootropics blend with lion's mane).
But this kind of recklessness needs addressing.
A problem in communication/loss in translation could be trying to tell her how this makes you feel, especially if she has alexithymia - she'll simply be confused, even possibly view you as unstable, which is the opposite of what you're trying to do. For clarity: Alexithymia is characterized by difficulties in identifying, describing, and processing one’s own feelings, so it complicates the ability to relate with another. This can be due to interception and how we access language. I'm nearly 50 and still struggle with putting words to how I'm feeling, but as they're sometimes a cacophony of mixed emotion or random, I've learned to simply take note of variations in intensity, mostly so I don't send an email when I shouldn't or leave somewhere when I should.
Autistics mature much slower due to the language difference - not catching nuances and 'codes', means that while we want to be accepted and even work hard to belong with our peers, we might not have the awareness and readiness of adulthood until 30+. Thus, her behaviour is like a 13 year old with out the same restrictions. But we all need accountability at every age.
As a mother, my advice would be to start issuing consequences with monetary things, work out fair ways she can pay you back for damage done. Or do something hard: pair down the shopping to healthy nutritional items only and turn down the heating. Suffer through it with her, helping her see that her behaviour is affecting both of you in a practical and difficult way. She needs to learn how to manage money when it's tight, and children learn better when we suffer with them.
Thanks for replying I’ve replied belwo
Thanks for replying. Have replied below.
Thanks both for replying. Going to have to put a lock on the door - already a cycle lock on wardrobe doors! Can’t leave anything out. I guess it’s also her not being able to understand the impact on another person? She says she ‘forgets’ that she has taken things. I have replied to her saying if it is a compulsion then need some help. She has said yes to this. Not sure where will be able to access this tho?
locks on the door ... is she willing to go to therapy?
sounds like shes tryna make a excuse too... compulsion to take things? .... yeah no, thats no excuse, it actually sounds more like a lie and using a mental thing to excuse bad behaviour but isnt actually truly a compulsion but just not caring about how you feel.you could try putting locks on your bedroom door so she cant access your bedroom.... then maybe take things off her and say you have developed a compulsion to take all her things off her. maybe she will learn when its on the other foot? some form of discipline is definitely required there.