Teenage son with Aspergers

Check the NAS website for information about the risks of getting into trouble with the police. It can be a bit of a maze, but you can get to the police related issues via either "Living with autism" - Out and About - or via "Working with autism"-criminal justice - Criminal Justice System and ASDs.

There is also guidance on sex education via "about autism", or "living with autism" the section "Sex Education and children and young people with an ASD".

I also checked another page from Tony Attwood's Complete Guide, which is worth getting hold of. On page 337 he talks about types of offences that could arise:-

"For example, the person with Asperger's syndrome may not have had the usual social, sensual and sexual experiences of typical adolescents, and may develop sexually arousing fantasies involving objects, clothing, children and animals. The technical term is paraphilia."

and - "A curiosity and confusion regarding sexuality can lead to the desire for more information and the development of solitary and clandestine special interest in pornography. There can be the assumption that the sexual behaviour seen on films and described in magazines is the script for a first date"

It might be better if you got some "parental control" security software that enables you to prevent him accessing dating sites or porn from his computer, rather than taking away his access to the internet.

Computers can be a salvation for many people with aspergers. I don't think denying him access to networks is a good idea, just ensuring he doesn't reach inappropriate ones.

I'm sure lots of people on here could tell you how difficult it is growing up with a sexual identity and limited means of getting reference points from peers, but also people may be understandably reluctant to open up about these things.

Also NAS moderators should have an input here....

Thank you so much Longman for your reply, you talk so much sense....

you really are spot on in that as he's not going out he is not therefore seeing what is acceptable both socially and physically, I think a mentor is a great idea and will defiantly pursue that so thank you... 

There really is not a lot of info out there regarding this as I have been scouring the internet for a while! I will seek out some books to try and help him too, you are completely right when you say about putting a negative cap of sexual feeling and normal feeling, i just at the moment can't see how to find that happy balance as it seems to be all - out of control or nothing at all.... I'm sure there must be a middle ground but not sure how to get to it... I think I'm actually happier with nothing at the moment as I really fear the next steps and really don't want him to end up in trouble with the police..... However I completely understand about not making it a negative issue...

thanks again so much for all your help/advice and tips, I'm truly grateful :-) 

xx

I have quoted Tony Attwood recently, in another thread, and this is from the same paragraph on page 308-9 of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome (Jessica Kingsley Pub 2006)

"Sexuality can become a special interest in terms of acquiring information and an interest in sexual diversity and activities. The desire for sexual activities and sexual intimacy can be excessive, even compulsive"

Trouble is there is not a lot of helpful information around in print. Notwithstanding it is such a widespread issue, everyone seems very coy about it, which isn't helpful to young people on the spectrum.

OK, he is 14. Early stages of puberty, raging hormones, doesn't understand what's happening to him.

Except he would normally get reference points from his peers, who are all busy discussing this at the moment, and looking up websites and doing just the same sort of things - except they are able to discuss it, even if it is "the blind leading the blind" as regards accuracy!  And they are able to discretely share these discussions with some willing girls.

What you have to remember is that your son is unlikely to be able to partake in these discussions (though he may be able to evesdrop). Worse, because he's a bit odd and a bit gauche and impressionable perhaps, they'll take particular pleasure in feeding him wrong informatiion and encouraging him.

The teasing and bullying, may not just be on account of things he's now saying and doing, but of course has been long established, though you might not be aware of it.

So he is likely to be very isolated. Teenage years are often the worst for boys with Asperger's (someone else can comment on whether it affects girls the same). You start to get "gang" identities which are very exclusive to someone with aspergers.

I don't know what the answer is. The fact is there is a lack of literature on it, other than inappropriate behaviours of course, which seems to be a fetish of the psychologists, without providing any helpful answers.

Nor can I give you much comfort, as if he is troubled now at 14 it could be much worse by 18. He is likely to remain sexually naiive or confused about what is actually a natural part of him, his sex drive.

What you have to be very careful about is not appearing to punish him for having a sex drive. That really would do a lot of damage long term.  A lot of people on the spectrum get guilt complexes that last a lifetime.

Perhaps if you can get some practical books on sexuality he can read, that you've checked for suitability, that will fulfill his craving for answers. Otherwise he is very likely to search anywhere he can find this out - and the easiest stuff to find is the porn.

Another option is to find a mentor in an older boy (or girl - there may be advantages here) whom he'll taklk it over with, and whom you can be sure wont take advantage.

But what you must not do is go all Victorian and try to shut him off from access, because he's probably desperate to conform on this, and will look for any advice he can get, inevitably from the worst sources.