Violent behaviour

It does seem that the root of the issues is happening at school. So often autistic children can mask their distress throughout the school day and then explode at home. If she is burnt out and overwhelmed by the pressures of school then meltdowns will likely happen more frequently and be more intense.

Prevention is better than cure when it comes to meltdowns, so you do need to be working with the school to find out what accommodations can be put in place to make the experience more tolerable for her. Don't let them fob you off with she's 'mild' and has no issues at school. There isn't such a thing as mild autism and she is clearly struggling a great deal with the effects of school.

NAS90825 said:

She is the master of masking and so when at home is exhausted. As a result she sits in her room for hours on end on her phone or watching tv.. I do understand why this is but life for the rest of the family stops.

I understand this too. At her age I used to spend most of my time at home alone in my room. Autistic people need alone time to recover like they need air to breathe. It's important that she feels safe there and can be left alone uninterrupted. She will emerge into the family space once she is ready.

What I don't understand is why life for the rest of the family stops when your daughter is in her room? Can't you just leave her to it and get on with your life? 

She will likely find interruptions greatly distressing and this may be triggering her meltdowns. In such an overwhelmed state processing verbal communication may be beyond her reach. If you can try and use a method of communication that works with her. For example sending a text or email, rather than speaking, to ask something. Alternatively pushing a written note under the door of her room.

I don't know what the dynamic is at home, but I don't understand why everyone else's life should stop. I also might be able to give better advice if there was a little more understanding on how this escalates. These things can happen when one is frustrated or trapped. 

If no one else in the immediate family is autistic, it's important to write down and remember there will be a language barrier, which can also hold years of built up miscommunication and misunderstandings. And 2. Accessing 'mouth words' can sometimes be incredibly difficult when stressed and exhausted, and some autistics, while incredibly intelligent simply cannot seem to access them at all. I cannot express the overwhelming frustration this creates, and when young, deep contention with the self.

When I was nine, I recall my mother calling me "smart" mid conversation. We were in the kitchen and I broke into tears. I was raised in the states and adults used this word in conflicting ways, but I usually only heard her and others say it in a way to shut down or dominate another. This particular time she meant it the opposite - being autistic I wouldn't have caught other 'seemingly invisible' codes telling me otherwise. Now as a parent, I also have had to come to an awareness not to confuse myself son. But this is the tip of the iceberg. 

I'm now nearly 50 and find ease of conversation when there are rules, such as a book club or philosophy group and ease with other Autistic or even ADHD/Dyslexic/Divergent individuals. But I still find a loss in translation with those who aren't. TV shows and films are often a mystery even if fantasy, I'll watch a show with my son who's divergent but without the language difference and he often explains why someone would say a thing. I have difficulty with customer service, I'll over-explain and receive a response as if I'm saying something completely different. This particular difference doesn't seem to come with a neuro-plasticity option. I haven't grown out of it. Luckily, I remember what was said decades ago and only in the last several years have started asking my father "what did you mean when you said..." Why didn't it occur to me to ask sooner? I don't actually know. My guess is it's already too chaotic in my head, I'd prefer a more silent world. See: Monotropism.org

I couldn't always access vocabulary very well when younger. When I'd have so much to say and could only envision it, overwhelmed by the 'movies' playing out in my head but no words to match, I'd melt in to a puddle of tears. The frustration was beyond overwhelming. To add, as I grew, people around might demand immediate responses, excuses, reasons, justifications - and to know how I was 'feeling' - which would feel oppressive. Having Alexithymia but not knowing this was a thing, I couldn't respond and this does not go well for most non-autistic humans. They would assume I was playing games or arrogant, others around would project their motives into my difficulty. My childhood was filled with being falsely accused, life felt deeply unjust and confusing. This woman talks about this experience often with others who've been through it https://www.instagram.com/thearticulateautistic/

At 24 I watched Dancer in the Dark and it frightened me to the point where I made a contract with myself to never be silent again. I'm nearly 50 and a little more at ease about my limits and strengths. I've learned that underneath communication lies our values and ethics. Cultivate good ones and they are reliable in a pinch. I still have days where after work I cannot string a sentence together and my son will laugh and tell me "it's OK, you don't have to speak". When stressed, it's as if the library in my mind is padlocked.

She may need to have downtime daily, but she also needs to be able to learn from you through engagement. Which means, transitioning to a new arrangement in baby steps and teaching her though respecting her very minimal request (please don't make me speak), that you can be trusted. The problem is she won't mature like her peers because of the difference in how we use language (more as a function than symbolic/relational). So she responds in survival mode as though she's much younger. This could be severely damaging for her - you can survive, but her future is at stake. If speaking is difficult, I wouldn't demand it of her. You could engage in a craft together and listen to music she likes, or opt for full silent retreat. Speak through giving, doing, showing, mime - everything else. You could explore music together, gardening or just building lego sets together. The important thing is connexion and trust. Foster this however you can. 

You need to get to a place where she will confide in you without your asking. Then you can help her learn healthier techniques and exit strategies when overwhelmed with emotion, as we can sense-perceive everything with a far greater intensity than our peers. Being hyper-sensory also never changes. The positive to this is a potential. We don't desensitise and with that, I can smell, hear and see danger in my physical environment. But I cannot always sense it socially.

TRIGGER WARNING - Talk of stabbing below -

Escalation of this type, at this age, with these results......CAN'T be a good thing.  If she becomes accustomed to directing intentional violence on you at the age of 12.......what might she do to herself, you or one of her peers, when she has reached 16 years old?!

Personally, I think intentional violence is THE red line - ie cannot be crossed without major sanctions resulting.

It is very important for all of us - whether autistic or otherwise - to know/learn that punching and/or kicking other humans is not an acceptable mode of behaviour except for a few highly unusual circumstances.  We must find ways to channel that type of energy away from violent expressions against other humans and animals.

If you "let" her do this to you (without major sanction) she may become desensitised to the IRL consequences of behaving like that around someone meaner, angrier, more anxious than herself.....who also happens to carry a shank!  Many teenagers seem to be stabbing each other to death these days !

I have no special expertise nor competencies in this area so this is just my opinion based on a few circumstances that I have vicariously lived through with varying degrees of proximity.  So although I think you MUST do SOMETHING - the "what" and "how" is beyond my range.

Perhaps my words above are a pretty vacuous and self-evident commentary, in the style of "that bloke down the pub said....", BUT, for what its worth, very loving and nice and good parents that I know who tried to keep everything as "nice" as possible for as "long" as possible.....have ALWAYS regretted their lack of "hard choices" at an earlier stage of their journey.

I do hope that you and your daughter can find an amicable way forward that improves your current situation for all concerned.

I wish you all the luck and fortitude in the world.

Kind regards

Number.