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3 year old awaiting a diagnosis

Noodle

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read this.

I have a 3 year old son who is currently awaiting an autism assessment. He's been showing certain signs since he was a baby. He's just started nursery and already the teacher has refered him to an educational psychologist. She's explained it's so that they can get a special educational needs plan in place to ensure that he doesn't struggle at school. They said socially he is doing very well and he's great at maths but they're concerned about his speech and communication skills. He used to be totally non-verbal but now he talks a lot, it just isn't always very clear what he's saying. He has a bit of speech impediment too which is a seperate issue I think.

I'm struggling to process my feelings about the assesment and the school referal. I'm proud of my son. I think he's perfect, and I don't want anybody to see this label on him and undermine his potential. He's progressing all the time, about a year behind his peers, but he's never stopped growing his skills or regressed. 

I think some of my fears come from my experience with the SEN system. My brother in law is autistic and requires 24/7 care. I've known him and my husband since they were kids and growing up he was never challenged, encouraged or pushed. My husband is also autistic and was not diagnosed as a child, he was forced to conform and keep up with others and that had it's own draw backs too but he feels it was better than how his brother was treated.

We kind of suspect that I'm autistic too - I was non verbal by choice as a kid and I freak out whenever my routine is disrupted. But nobody really cared about me back then unfortunately so I doubt anyone noticed.

I just really don't know how to feel about it all. Too many emtions at once!

  • I think you’ve expressed this really well -  think most people have complex feelings about their child getting a diagnosis (or getting a diagnosis themselves. My youngest son was diagnosed with autism at about ten years old, and in the last 2 years myself and my eldest son have being diagnosed too. 
    The feelings you are having are absolutely normal. Don’t feel bad or guilty about having this thoughts and concerns - most people initially do in one way or another.

    Getting a diagnosis won’t stop your son reaching his potential - it most likely will help him to reach his potential. Knowledge is power and if your son is autistic it’s best that you all know that, so that you can help him, and so that he can accept and understand that he will have differences than his peers etc. 

    It’s best to be accepting of the fact that your son is autistic - and not resist it, or worry about it unduly. 
    Every autistic person is different so comparing him to your relative’s situation isn’t going to be helpful or useful at all. 
    Take it day by day and don’t worry too much about the future - because you can’t predict what’s going to happen for your son. 

    it’s going to be ok. Focus on all your son’s wonderful qualities and celebrate him for who he is, and help him to embrace his true self - and that autism is a part of that. There are lots of advantages to being autistic - don’t forget that. Focus on the positive, and when your son has difficulties focus on helping him. I don’t feel guilty about your own struggles - because sometimes you’ll have challenges together, but all children have difficulties at some point - not just autistic children! 

  • I think it's normal to have mixed feelings. It's a lot to think about. It sounds like your son is not in the same situation as your brother-in-law. Can you talk to the school about what help would be available if he is diagnosed.

    I was diagnosed at 37 and I wish I'd been diagnosed younger. I think younger diagnosis can help someone reach potential rather than miss it. I was also forced to conform and I was academically successful, but then from my late teens onwards until diagnosis, I had a series of terrible episodes of burnout and depression. They really destroyed my happiness and my life for a couple of decades as well as derailing my career.

    I think having an idea of who you are and what environments are good or bad for you from an early age is a plus, even without the adjustments your son may need as he progresses through the school system. Transitions in schooling are often triggers for burnout in children. For me it was starting university that was the big one, but starting secondary school triggers problems in many autistic children. It would be good to make future education choices knowing all the facts.

  • It’s an awkward one. I was only diagnosed at the age of 50. I qualified as an actuary although I struggled with working as an actuary - most jobs once you qualify involve sales or management both of which required social skills which I lacked as an undiagnosed autistic person. In the end I effectively retired early at the age of 38 although not entirely voluntarily. I have also struggled in other areas of my life which might have been improved if I had been diagnosed at 18 or even 21. At least if your son is diagnosed in theory he can get support / training / knowledge for the areas he has difficulties. I guess what I’m saying is there is perhaps more to life than academic potential / achievement.