Sleep and Anxiety in 10 year old son

Can your son function with the amount of sleep he is getting, i.e. can he wake up and function?  I have ASC and ADHD and only slept for three or four hours/night until I was ten or so. It may be he does not need to sleep. You do.  What my parents did was to say that I had to be in my room and quiet, but I could read, listen to the radio, watch tv, play with my Lego ... whatever.

Try a routine that involves some quiet time, maybe a drink and a snack, then he has to be in his room and quiet. Preferably in bed. He will fall asleep when he is tired. Is he a restless sleeper? I used to "burrow" in the bedclothes and even turn completely upside down in my sleep.

Just out of curiosity, I'm guessing your husband is not your sons father? A side point, but this is an age a boy is usually looking to mirror their father for a sense of becoming. 

From my understanding, melatonin isn't something that should be taken every night. I used to use it when travelling, but at one point it started causing heart palpitations, as it can offset hormone balance, and that balance regulates one's whole system including heart rate. 

Are there other ideas to try? Could the kids sleep in the same room for a bit? night time is when we finally stop and we're forced alone with our thoughts unless there's someone else around. And for most of history humans never slept alone but in packs. The way we live today and the isolation we subject ourselves and children to is quite unnatural. Now, some of us are more naturally introverted and enjoy a great deal of time alone, but it needs to be tempered with quality time feeling connected to others and this is something most autistics struggle with - being acutely different than others in how we reason, perceive and attempt to relate with the world around us.

Perhaps you're the only person he feels he can absolutely trust and connect with. Which really says what a great mum you are! And it can be helpful to just allow them to grow at their pace and tell you when they're ready to do a thing on their own. 

But - back to being forced alone with our thoughts. We've found books are helpful at night - and a halogen lamp, as even low light LEDs are a smaller spectrum and can cause difficulty seeing contrast, even create further anxiety at night. The other thing which is helpful is to exhaust the mind. He may need to mentally take apart all kinds of depths of understanding of things from physics to philosophy: stimulating right-brain thinking around dinner time and getting deep into things he's interested in or a range of subjects can be helpful as it can shift the brain in to a sense of awe / wonder. This kind of hyper-stimulation can actually be incredibly relaxing for us and by bedtime, it might give him enjoyable thoughts to be alone with.

But as posted below, there are a good deal of studies showing that Autistics and ADHD kids have lower GABA, which is the gut-brain axis responsible for shutting down thoughts accelerating out of control. So melatonin won't fix this, nor will anti-depressants (and both can be dangerous). I take a mushroom compound which has helped a great deal as they're known for boosting GABA. But on rare occasions, only anti-anxiety drugs (Xanax) will properly help, which is specifically designed for this.

Anti-anxiety meds work because unlike SSRI's they boost GABA, which there are numerous studies on that Autistics and ADHD are low in. This is the biological stuff responsible for shutting down accelerating and out of control thoughts, including Gamma waves busy fixing complex problems one might be too young to deal with or just a looping melody becoming demanding. Anxiety is a biological issue for most Autistics. 

There are a lot more complexities today than 100 or 1000 years ago, though every time has its own issues. But the isolation in the modern era is incredibly new and as Eric Fromm (among many other sociologists/psychologists) points out, it is the root of all addiction. We live in a time with the kind of stresses humans have never dealt with.

Hi Lauren

like you I am also struggling with my 10 year old daughter and sleep. We are going through getting assessments done but I do have an older daughter (26) who has autism. My 10 year old has awful anxiety made worse if she is not with me, she can’t sleep unless I am there with her and the second I leave her side as I’m sure she is asleep she wakes up! I then spend more time getting her back in bed and back to sleep it’s impossible to get in my own bed and sleep myself. 
I made changes to her bedroom so she had very low led lights in her favourite colour so there is a purple glow in her room, she has a bottle of my perfume which she constantly sprays so her bed smells like me, she has to have the top or dress I wore that day for my smell, the list goes on. My husband tries to help but our daughter gets so worked up and anxious she becomes very vocal which lasts hours so it’s just not worth the stress on her as no matter what she only wants me. I don’t get to spend any time just me and my husband and so often I feel worn out and so alone in this journey. I don’t know how to fix things so life is even a little easier on us all in our house but I wish I could. We have 7 children and our daughter is the youngest. 
Having someone to talk to even if it’s online here and knowing there are other parents and children dealing with similar situations as us shows me I am not alone. 
I do hope in time you and your son find something that works and you get time to enjoy the rest of your family xx

Hi Lauren, 

I need to start by saying that I feel for you deeply in this situation - it sounds so so hard. I also need to make it clear that I'm not a parent and so I can't offer parental advice, but I was once a small autistic anxious child. 

Has anything changed at school that might be spiking the anxiety? I am 35 and live alone, but am also still very anxious at night. When I stay with my parents I sleep like the dead. I think there is that knowing someone is there that makes me feel safe? Would there be scope to put a mattress on your floor and have him sleep close to you, so you can verbally reassure him if he stirs in the night? 

I am not in any way advocating for drugging a child, but I personally find anti anxiety medications help make my life more livable. I don't know what the rules are with children though and I would hate to speculate. 

Lastly I would try and dig down into what exactly the root causes of the anxiety are. It could be dark, or alone, or dreams, or phobias, and these can all be worked with. Sometimes finding and naming the fear makes it more tangible. I still find this now as an adult. For an example I am petrified of spiders so having my mum check my bedding and pillow for spiders before I got in made me feel a lot better. 

Sorry I can't offer something more concrete. My sister is a mum to two kids and I see how totally knackered she is. It's relentless. Well done for keeping on keeping on. 

x

Not sleeping is so difficult. My son found melatonin didn't help. 

Having a background noise can help the mind switch off, such as peaceful music, radio or an electric fan. 

The other thing that can help is something to cuddle for comfort to help you get to sleep.