Recently diagnosed autistic daughter

If she is 14 you could see about getting her a ECHP, which in turn could allow you to get her a Concessionary Travel Pass (free buses for the county), which in turn may incentivise her to leave the house and ride the buses and see the world.. I wish I had a resource like that as a teen.. you could buy her a camera to capture what she sees..

Hi there, I completely understand what you’re going through as we’ve been through the same with our daughter. 
my daughter was diagnosed a few years ago following a referral by cahms eating disorder team. She was really struggling with A levels and subsequently developed an eating disorder. They quickly picked up that she was autistic. At the time she was 17 (she’s now 19) and we experienced much of the stuff you have described. From the age of about 13 she was very difficult to parent. Lashed out, walked out, hated us, hated her brother. Would argue all the time and was really aggressive physically. She struggles with big friendship groups but found one friend that she stuck with thankfully. 
when she was diagnosed it was a shock but explained everything. My daughter spends a huge amount of time in her room, on her phone. The therapist once said to me that it’s easier for kids with asd to connect with others on a mobile rather than do the face to face stuff. I often wondered if I should limit her phone at the time but didn’t as it’s just her way of connecting and also her way of decompressing her brain as it can be tiring just getting through the day.  Her room issues are the same as your daughters and we don’t go in there unless she’s at work. I go in there to put stuff away and change her bed, that’s it. She can’t cope with people in her space. 
for us we changed the way we approached things and it’s helped massively. No pressure, no expectations no demands, respect and space.  only giving advice when she asks. It’s very hard, but a calm environment is key. 
When she was around 14 it was really hard but it does get better. 
As for now, she’s just spent a month travelling around Europe, has a job and is about to go back to college and top up her A level grades. Wouldn’t have thought that when she was 13. 

I'm uncertain about a few things here. First of all, all Autistic, dyslexic and ADHD kids will have internalised trauma. The world is not a safe place for us. But second: 

Most Autistics struggle making friends, struggle with alexithymia, and communication. So, I want to make a suggestion. 

Autism can appear similar to ADHD in 2 very fundamental ways: a  hyper-sensory salience network (or an inability to dull the senses the same) and Monotropism. However, they can be VERY different. Is it possible she's ADHD? In my experience, it seems there's such a difficulty understanding the difference that kids end up misdiagnosed, especially young females. ADHD is a big difference in biology which impacts motivation and many things you've described here. There can often be far more anxiety with ADHD kids as it seems they 'speak' both autistic and neurotypical, which often means they're fully aware they are unliked and working even harder with friendships. Autistic kids might not know others don't like them just sense something is off and have trouble putting the pieces together. Autistic children don't tend to be this social, but ADHD can appear "obsessed" with multiple friendships - deeply impacted and in need of greater stimuli than they get in modern society so might appear like extroverts (most actually need a good amount of alone time and don't realise it until they're older).

If she's doing well at school, a screen can help with regulation at home. She might actually respond better to video games, which it can help them de-stress. A good reason to swap out a phone for a video game is the messages kids get online. This may not be what you want to hear, but my son regulates with video games. They also need a sport. Maybe even combine the two and get a Wii.

It's important to allow her to go through this process and be angry. Allow the emotion and give her room to go through them, never taking offence. Help her decompress. What you ultimately want is to support her difficult emotional states and affirm her being and also help her appropriate her anger: "It's ok to have big emotions, howl at the moon, sing along with the radio, but practice not speaking cruelties. Troubleshoot the issue, don't destroy the human. Help me understand what you're frustrated about."

The world is cruel place. The deeper one goes the darker it can get. Know that if you can absorb her anger and allow her to be completely open and raw with you, in 10 years or less, she will be open about more than just all these frustrations. It's just tough at this stage. 

It's hard to know if there are things we're doing they're responding to. We're never perfect, but if we can be open to learning how to be better and helping them express what is hard to navigate, eventually they will learn by proxy. A thing to mind though, is these children sense deeper systems at play without knowing the physics or psychology. So if we have a favourite, ND children can sense this... and so on.

Hi I'm a parent of a high functioning Autistic Girl who has two younger brothers. My daughter is now 26 and still lives with me. I always found giving her as much space as possible helped. Remaining calm and not pushing her in anyway gained respect. Only discuss difficult issues when your both in a happy place and keep the chat short and sweet. Don't put pressure of expectations on her just let her be during this difficult phase. 

You mentioned the medication for her periods that will help once balanced. Even if you don't think routine and structure helps it will, but be mindful of what could be happening in her mind and don't react negative towards her behaviour try and keep things light and wait for her to come to you.

Hope this is some help to you  

Being 14 is really, REALLY tough even without being autistic and anxious on top of everything else. I remember it being awful for me at that age, though I wasn't diagnosed yet- not for another two decades! I think getting a therapist for her will help a lot though, and a good therapist will be honest with her if and when she's exhibiting stroppy teenage behaviour versus genuinely struggling.

With regards to the pill, she might need to try a few different ones, as it can make you quite moody if you're on one that doesn't suit you. It might also be worth considering whether she has PMDD- it's very common in autistic girls.

Firstly, she doesn’t hate anyone. Secondly, she’s struggling. She’s coming to terms with her diagnosis and it’s overwhelming. She’s bound to feel very agitated and anything might start a meltdown. She may be affected by the pill, and also teenage hormones, but please realise meltdowns and extreme overwhelm and overstimulation can look like ‘bad behaviour’. I mean, look at your other children. Are they well behaved and polite? Yes! Because that’s how you bought them up. Your daughter is the same, but she’s not suffering. She will need to find outlets to help get rid of the emotions. Stimming, and time to herself is a good place to start. 
I know how you feel about her phone, but I feel this might be something she needs to feel calm. I wouldn’t remove it, except for late at night. As for her not doing what you ask, try asking in a different way. It sounds like she might be demand avoidant. There are videos on YouTube that you can find to help you navigate this. 
As for her room, again, don’t ask. And don’t give time frames for her to do something, as it will make her want to even less. 
her room is probably a safe haven for her, and having you walk in uninvited isn’t a nice feeling, and she will react (with what looks like) anger along with abuse. Might I suggest if she happy for visitors, that she leave the door ajar. If it’s closed, don’t go in.

Shes got a lot to learn about herself. And you have a lot to learn from her. You should remove any expectations for her to confirm as you’d like her too. 
I have an ASD/ADHD daughter, and my god, we’ve had some problems. Especially at the crucial 11-16 age range. Things do get better.

PS. High functioning is related to someone being able to do daily functions themselves without issue. It isn’t related to intelligence.

Thank you for your reply - yes we are in the process of finding a therapist to help. She is not adverse to this thankfully. 

She has extreme social anxiety and I have recently put her on the pill to help with mood swings and increasingly heavy periods. I wonder if I need to maybe change this as her mood has become worse since she was on the pill... her outbursts have been better but not her general attitude and mood. 

Thankfully she has had no trauma at all. Far from it! She is becoming increasingly entitled if anything. I think this comes from a huge lack of respect for us as parents which is not acceptable regardless of her diagnosis. 

Thank you for your reply. 

Well until 6 months ago she had been masking so I can't help but feel her diagnoses has just made everything a million times harder as it's all come at once. We always resolve all conflict head on and keep open communication at all times as a family.... she really has no reason to hate us if I am honest. We couldn't do more for her and she's 13 years old with no trauma, a secure family setting, has never wanted for anything, good education etc. 

One thing I am concerned about is the amount of time she spends in her room on her phone. Would you suggest taking her phone away for an hour a day etc? She constantly says how unhappy we make her. but we aren't actually doing anything other than not giving her everything she wants at a drop of a hat! But I guess for her that's the worse thing we can do.. 

She is high functioning so has always been able to exceed well in education and has many friends so I am not concerned as such regarding communication but she is so unbelievably disrespectful and rude when she does communicate. I think your comment re respect is interesting as she clearly has none for us and I guess she thinks that we have none for her.. will work on this. 

Thank you again 

Gosh. this sounds severe. I am sorry to hear. I have a 20 something son, and I was once an undiagnosed daughter with a mother I no longer speak with. I have a feeling my mother is undiagnosed but from a generation of individuals who think poorly of Autistic and other neurodivergent traits.

What I mean by severe is that this sounds like a great deal has been building for some time and finally crossed a threshold. I'm not sure what. With children, it seems to me much can be averted by addressing any conflict the moment it happens or before theres room for resentment to grow. But at this point, it really sounds as though some kind of professional help is needed to unpack everything which has - potential - built up and unravel a great deal of impact to find the source such as dynamics, perspectives, misunderstandings and so on. 

If this were a situation with a couple, one might recommend a separation and potentially divorce. But with a parent/child the burden is on the parent, just as with the owner of a company, the weight is on the one who's investment is at risk or who's role suggests an authority. A company will bring in professionals to help re-evaluate how operations are impacting employees if it seems everything is in decline.

Many times we weren't parented correctly and are simply repeating some kind of social indoctrination which might involve unrealistic expectations. It's so easy to assume our children are exactly like us and will respond to external stimuli or even internal the same. I recognised when my son was young I was out of touch with myself - my words and actions didn't match my intention. I recognised I was exhausted by 26, worn down and left unprotected. I would break down constantly and it was affecting him. It was really hard to parent. I needed a great deal of time to heal myself from far too much trauma and I was so young. At that point I had to overhaul my life. Things just couldn't continue the way they were. We all have a different story, but this is a familiar one to many. 

I had to learn how to respect my son, how to afford him dignity by pulling him quietly aside and asking why he did a thing - careful not to humiliate him in front of others which my mother often did to me without noticing. She was driven to be truthful at any cost and ruin my reputation in the process - I never wanted to do this. You could say this was a valuable lesson, but my son has learned how to afford others dignity by how I offered it to him. There was a lot of unnecessary cruelties I had to take notice of lest I repeat them. This isn't everyone, but it is important to understand how the majority operate will traumatise any young Autistic child. Our motives can be incredibly different. How we use language different. How well does she command vocabulary? If it's poor, she may be like many of us with a type of alexithymia and aphasia. I cannot access the right words for everything going through my head still - especially when stressed, though I don't allow myself to be subjected to stressful situations any more if I can do something about it. I couldn't string a proper sentence together until around 30. I managed life by being silent and 'dressing the part'. 

The two things that can overnight create substantial change would be to always be respectful regardless of how another (including my child) operates. Respect is free. I can be grounded in myself and give it and it is always about my strength and never really about the other. When they're ready and when they sense your dependability on this matter, they'll participate. The second thing which can overhaul a situation like this is to never interrupt and do not allow interruptions. If this hasn't been in place since their young years, it will take some adjusting. This doesn't mean to respond with disregard. If I'm on the phone, I can say hold on a moment, tell my child I want to hear them out but I'm focused on this moment. I will be off in 30 minutes and will attend to whatever they need then. And then proceed to follow this exactly. Again, this is a matter of handling everything and everyone with respect (myself included). For an Autistic, follow-through, one-thing-at-a-time, allowing focus, never interrupting, Monotropism monotropism.org is the key here. 

Hi there, 

Wow this is such a hard post to read. I am truly, truly sorry that you're going through this, it sounds extremely difficult for everyone involved. 

I am afraid I don't have children, so I don't feel equipped to comment, only other than to say I was a 14 year old girl once and I am sure I was not easy myself. That said I have always had a healthy respect (/fear) of my parents enough that I would never disobey or speak back to them. 

Did you know that if you have ASD you are 70-80% more likely to have a co-occurring mental health issue? The national average is 25%, so we're much more prone to problems. 

My mental health issues came about when I turned about 13 years old - which was down to a factor of trauma and hormones I assume. 

I would strongly recommend seeking some professional input for your daughter because these years she's in are volatile, from my recollection, but they do level out (again, just in my experience). Maybe see if you can find an ASD experienced therapist in your area? She may kick and scream to go but might actually feel grateful to have someone confidential to talk to at the end of the day. It's hard to know what she's going through but if it is so extreme and scary from the outside it might be a whole lot worse inside her head. 

Lots of people on this forum have kids so hopefully someone can give you more than sympathy soon, which is all I have to offer. 

Chin up.