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Recently diagnosed autistic daughter

NewtoASD

Hi, 

I am new to this forum but I've been recommended to post re my teenage daughters recent diagnosis and the troubles we are facing with her. I really hope somebody has some advice or at least a "we've been there and it gets better" message! 

Our daughter is almost 14 and was diagnosed with ASD three months ago following an episode last August which sent her into crisis (inability to regulate, shut down for 7 days etc) - to begin with she was very relieved when we mentioned ASD and went along to all assessments freely showing no reluctance to doing so. But for the past 2 months, possibly longer, she has been absolutely unbearable to live with. She doesn't communicate with anyone in her family and when she does talk she is just derogatory, rude, aggressive or asking for things to make her feel better. I have listed a few examples : 

- she doesn't want anything to do with her family. She has two younger sisters who she is just awful towards.. she makes it clear on a daily basis that we make her unhappy and spending time or talking to us is a waste of her time and that she hates us all. (She has said to both her sisters and her Dad that she wants them to die, numerous times) 

- Nothing motivates her. We have set a list of 'chores' for her to do to try and get her to earn a little bit of pocket money over the summer and she point blank refuses. 

- Her bedroom is revolting. She is so messy and her floor is now covered in makeup and she drags it through the house and covers herself in it daily (this is her ritual) and I always ask very nicely and subtly to tidy up and she absolutely loses it. 

- She expects everything at a drop of a hat and screams and shouts and constantly says that all her friends get clothes/nails done etc and she gets nothing. 

- There is absolutely no reasoning with her. She refuses any sort of authority or discussion re her behaviour. 

- If I ask her to do anything or to help in any way she replies with comments such as "you are just lazy and can't be bothered and that's why you are making me do things" and just refuses to do anything. 

- she spends most of her time in her bedroom and only comes out for food or to ask for us to buy her something. We have limited her social media time and she isn't allowed her phone after 10pm but she just sits in her room for long periods of time and if we go into our room she loses it with us screaming asking us to leave. 

- she is obsessive with her friends and says that they are the only think that makes her happy and she will kill herself if she doesn't see them. 

We live in a very safe environment with a very loving family and friends network. As parents we feel we have gone above and beyond to have her diagnosed as quickly as we could and have been in constant contact with school who have been amazing and supportive. We constantly give her the space to express how she feels as well as give her, her own space and respect that she needs that... but she is making everyone in our family miserable and I just don't know what else to do. 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

Parents

  • Hi there, 

    Wow this is such a hard post to read. I am truly, truly sorry that you're going through this, it sounds extremely difficult for everyone involved. 

    I am afraid I don't have children, so I don't feel equipped to comment, only other than to say I was a 14 year old girl once and I am sure I was not easy myself. That said I have always had a healthy respect (/fear) of my parents enough that I would never disobey or speak back to them. 

    Did you know that if you have ASD you are 70-80% more likely to have a co-occurring mental health issue? The national average is 25%, so we're much more prone to problems. 

    My mental health issues came about when I turned about 13 years old - which was down to a factor of trauma and hormones I assume. 

    I would strongly recommend seeking some professional input for your daughter because these years she's in are volatile, from my recollection, but they do level out (again, just in my experience). Maybe see if you can find an ASD experienced therapist in your area? She may kick and scream to go but might actually feel grateful to have someone confidential to talk to at the end of the day. It's hard to know what she's going through but if it is so extreme and scary from the outside it might be a whole lot worse inside her head. 

    Lots of people on this forum have kids so hopefully someone can give you more than sympathy soon, which is all I have to offer. 

    Chin up.

  • in reply to Autumn_Trees

    Thank you for your reply - yes we are in the process of finding a therapist to help. She is not adverse to this thankfully. 

    She has extreme social anxiety and I have recently put her on the pill to help with mood swings and increasingly heavy periods. I wonder if I need to maybe change this as her mood has become worse since she was on the pill... her outbursts have been better but not her general attitude and mood. 

    Thankfully she has had no trauma at all. Far from it! She is becoming increasingly entitled if anything. I think this comes from a huge lack of respect for us as parents which is not acceptable regardless of her diagnosis. 

  • in reply to NewtoASD

    Hi I'm a parent of a high functioning Autistic Girl who has two younger brothers. My daughter is now 26 and still lives with me. I always found giving her as much space as possible helped. Remaining calm and not pushing her in anyway gained respect. Only discuss difficult issues when your both in a happy place and keep the chat short and sweet. Don't put pressure of expectations on her just let her be during this difficult phase. 

    You mentioned the medication for her periods that will help once balanced. Even if you don't think routine and structure helps it will, but be mindful of what could be happening in her mind and don't react negative towards her behaviour try and keep things light and wait for her to come to you.

    Hope this is some help to you Pray 

Reply
  • in reply to NewtoASD

    Hi I'm a parent of a high functioning Autistic Girl who has two younger brothers. My daughter is now 26 and still lives with me. I always found giving her as much space as possible helped. Remaining calm and not pushing her in anyway gained respect. Only discuss difficult issues when your both in a happy place and keep the chat short and sweet. Don't put pressure of expectations on her just let her be during this difficult phase. 

    You mentioned the medication for her periods that will help once balanced. Even if you don't think routine and structure helps it will, but be mindful of what could be happening in her mind and don't react negative towards her behaviour try and keep things light and wait for her to come to you.

    Hope this is some help to you Pray 

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