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Screen time advice with 11 year old son

Nikmum

Hi 

My son was assessed privately last year & didn't meet the threshold for ASD but there are a few traits & things he struggles with.  He has always loved screen time - playing games on his iPad & he would earn this time & there were set limits per day.  He also got a phone after Christmas as did lots of children at school - again he was only allowed this at certain times for set periods. However there were always issues and arguments when his time was up & we asked him to come off - even giving 15 min & 5 min warnings didn't help. He had a trip away to Spain with school which he struggled with & also has been anxious about leaving school & starting a new senior school.  As there was a lot less school work he had more time after school & we relaxed on the limits with screen time.  He joined some group chats with school friends (he hasn't actually got many close friends) & at first would make contact and play with them online.  This quickly changed to him playing on his own & alternating between minecraft on iPad to you tube videos on his phone - sometimes both at the same time.  As he is unable to use the phone & iPad reasonably we set timers on the phone as to when he can use it & for how long.  We said we were happy to discuss with him these timings & there will be occasions when he can have more however this week we have had a couple of melt downs & he is not willing to discuss this at all with us and instead wants us to remove all limits.  I really am at a loss as to how to communicate with him & put reasonable boundaries in place.  I can see over the past few weeks that if we don't he will be on the iPad & phone for hours at a time - he has started school holidays already.

Any advice will be gratefully received.

Parents

  • The problem isn't the screen time, exactly but managing anxiety. I'll expand more on this... 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    I had thought I replied, but it seems to have disappeared. 

    The first is this:

    If you haven't already, it's good to understand Monotropism. Interruptions are like waking a sleepwalker. It isn't just difficult to be snapped out of a hyper-flow / hyper-focus state, it's physically painful. But you do sound reasonable, giving him warnings. I would just then allow time and room for the frustration to ease. This is a good age to help him learn to externally navigate this - it Won't Ever go away. Interruptions will always, till death do us part, destroy us. It's just part of how we're wired. So, here's an opportunity to help him get into a habit of going for a walk or doing an empty space of nothing to allow appropriate time to transition.

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Second, computers can be great! Programmes which teach military operations or which one can view space are designed like video games to some degree. We are using technology in everything, so it could be useful to find other ways to make it work for his future. 

    Download coding programme or music software, disconnect them from the internet and allow him to play / learn something if he wants. This is the stuff he could get lost in for any length of time. I work in music and it's like playing Tetris all day. it engages my full-brain connexions, analytical and problem-solving. 

    All the males in my family play games. They've grown up to be a neurologist, a maths professor, one works in a lab like CERN. My grandfather played World of Warcraft and was an engineer. My father plays 3 characters simulatiously and programmes a robot to collect uranium. 

    Our brains can be non-stop. And this is simply one way of managing anxiety or winding down. It seems counter productive to further engage analytical thinking, and yet I need to exhaust it in order to sleep. Your son is at that age where it's becoming Very Clear he's different than most of his peers. Sometimes Escape helps us cope with life.

    And yes, I agree it's important to mind addiction. But there are SO many other beneficial things we do with computers that aid learning. Perhaps find more things which spark his interest. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    totally agree and in recent months I've noticed him turning to screens even when we are in the company of friends  / cousins / grandparents which saddens me

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