Screen time advice with 11 year old son

The problem isn't the screen time, exactly but managing anxiety. I'll expand more on this... 

I had thought I replied, but it seems to have disappeared. 

The first is this:

If you haven't already, it's good to understand Monotropism. Interruptions are like waking a sleepwalker. It isn't just difficult to be snapped out of a hyper-flow / hyper-focus state, it's physically painful. But you do sound reasonable, giving him warnings. I would just then allow time and room for the frustration to ease. This is a good age to help him learn to externally navigate this - it Won't Ever go away. Interruptions will always, till death do us part, destroy us. It's just part of how we're wired. So, here's an opportunity to help him get into a habit of going for a walk or doing an empty space of nothing to allow appropriate time to transition.

I had thought I replied, but it seems to have disappeared. 

The first is this:

If you haven't already, it's good to understand Monotropism. Interruptions are like waking a sleepwalker. It isn't just difficult to be snapped out of a hyper-flow / hyper-focus state, it's physically painful. But you do sound reasonable, giving him warnings. I would just then allow time and room for the frustration to ease. This is a good age to help him learn to externally navigate this - it Won't Ever go away. Interruptions will always, till death do us part, destroy us. It's just part of how we're wired. So, here's an opportunity to help him get into a habit of going for a walk or doing an empty space of nothing to allow appropriate time to transition.

totally agree and in recent months I've noticed him turning to screens even when we are in the company of friends  / cousins / grandparents which saddens me

I just want to add, maybe ask him to show you what needs to be done in his game in order to finish a task on a computer game and shut it down properly so he doesn't lose ALL the work he's done for that session. This will help you understand the process and will help him trust you more as it's a type of bonding.

I simply know this as my father has always played games since I was young. We were never allowed to interrupt the process. But for someone working in a lab on something which can bring immense ruin to a whole scientific process, an interruption like a power outage doesn't just cost billions, it can change temperatures, ruin samples or experiments that might have taken years to decades to propagate. For too many things in real life, we should have learned how to be afforded - and then afford others, to mind the channels and details for shutting down a process properly.

So it sounds like the smash edit -sharp interruption of a screen turning off while he's wrapping up was at the core of the problem? This can literally produce a feeling like being hit by a brick on the back side of the head. I remember not being able to articulate this when younger. In movies, this kind of terrorising interruption is what we watch when prisoners are continually woken up to induce sleep deprivation. On-going interruptions for autistics will produce the same result; an inability to think clearly, a type of built up trauma from a continual lack of resolution. It's far more important to enforce he do one-thing-at-a-time to completion. 

For Autistics this is the Montoropic Brain, which is a desired trait, our natural ability to hyper-focus and just flip into a flow state. But, coupled with feeling things as "too-real", it means we'll never get used to harsh immediate transitions unless there is imminent danger.

You know your son best, and this is a great age to afford him room to trial and error adult disciplines like meeting time limits. And yes, screens can be poor choices for small humans. Unfortunately the world we live in now is run by them! I won't buy a car with them in as they far too distracting - not stationary like a paper map, and I can't understand how that's legal.  But in order for him to become successful in whatever he does, he may be expected to sit in front of them all day and have a sharp command of them. 

If he likes music, there's so much he can learn which might go along with his natural inclinations. From building synths and other electronics, to creating soundscapes and DJing in software programmes. There are physics nerds who work as acousticians and sound designing for theatres. Hans Zimmer creates all his music computer based. His mixers and engineers spend 12 days in front of a monitor and are paid well for it. Sound Editors and podcasters and so on. We all need computers. The internet is for downloading software, but mine is generally off to conserve RAM. 

You sound like a great mum! I have a boy who's much older, but the best thing to remember is not everyone will have an issue with addiction. In fact, Erich Fromm suggested the heart of addiction is isolation. If a screen is rewarding us more than the reward we get from others (emotional distance or a lack of understanding), then we have a problem.

Thank you some really valid points.

We've agreed to cancel the screen locks for now as that was what upset him most - having that control taken away.  We've said he can show us that he can manage a reasonable time on screens and come off when given warning (give or take 5 mins).  This is something my husband and I need to practice patience with.  He's also come up with a list of rules he needs to stick to i.e getting chores /  basic morning routine done before gaming, not gaming whilst eating etc and he knows the consequences for if he breaks these rules.

I will look into the coding & music as he's learning the guitar.  It's hard for me to see screens/phones in a positive light as all the information we've been given since they were little is to limit it and that they can be accessible to strangers etc but we need to educate ourselves too so my boys can get the most out of it and we're not all angry and frustrated all the time.

Second, computers can be great! Programmes which teach military operations or which one can view space are designed like video games to some degree. We are using technology in everything, so it could be useful to find other ways to make it work for his future. 

Download coding programme or music software, disconnect them from the internet and allow him to play / learn something if he wants. This is the stuff he could get lost in for any length of time. I work in music and it's like playing Tetris all day. it engages my full-brain connexions, analytical and problem-solving. 

All the males in my family play games. They've grown up to be a neurologist, a maths professor, one works in a lab like CERN. My grandfather played World of Warcraft and was an engineer. My father plays 3 characters simulatiously and programmes a robot to collect uranium. 

Our brains can be non-stop. And this is simply one way of managing anxiety or winding down. It seems counter productive to further engage analytical thinking, and yet I need to exhaust it in order to sleep. Your son is at that age where it's becoming Very Clear he's different than most of his peers. Sometimes Escape helps us cope with life.

And yes, I agree it's important to mind addiction. But there are SO many other beneficial things we do with computers that aid learning. Perhaps find more things which spark his interest.