Daughter recently diagnosed and family member rejecting the diagnosis

AnonymousM said:

As sad as it is your daughter matters more and she should be in spaces where she’s fully accepted.

This.

As I’ve said before there’s a big difference between someone who is high functioning and someone has low functioning on the spectrum. Someone who has predominantly worked with low functioning autistic individuals will not recognise as easily autism in a High functioning person.

but at the end of the day it’s a label it’s only important in so far as it’s useful and unless you need her family members to treat her in a different way than they have been before does it really matter if they accept the label or not.

I think your sister has a tougher time accepting it because the kids she works with are other peoples kids, not one directly related to her, it can feel more surprising when it hits closer to home, especially if it is a child that was right under your nose and you didn't recogines the signs yourself. Your sister may be in denial because she is embarassed she didn't spot it herself.
Or your sister thinks your daughter is typical because she is like her and she thinks of herself as typical, ie hasn't previously entertained the idea that she (your sister) could also be an AuDHD-er.

The first thing that went through my head is the possibility of your sister having similar autistic "neuro"-wiring (ADHD, Dyslexia and others are all on the Spectrum). I see something in you which feels akin to me and deem that normal. Another thing happening is there's also this amazing amount of hostility around what is and isn't autistic - as if our (autistic) very essence is offensive at the core of "Typical" being. And this isn't entirely off-balance. Society has changed to such a degree that our very motives are at odds. How we feel included or affirmed by another can often be an opposing behaviour / response. What is appropriate for Autistics in a collective might be socially isolating to Neurotypical wiring - and vice versa. 

She might not be entirely wrong, but it would be better if she could be specific about what she understands to be true. ADHD kids have been diagnosed Autistic when they’re not. The problem is this: ADHD & Autism share 2 things in common, The Monotropic brain and their inability to dull their senses the same as the NT population. These 2 things complicate all sorts, there’s a sense of everything all at once, being overwhelmed and sensory torture (human made elements are far less human-friendly than ever from lights to VOCs, sound quality and petroleum-based fibres) Then there’s the difference that might only be understood with maturity, wisdom and education. They both have a different relationship with time - relating with the moment and eternal 'timelessness' rather than linear. But while ADHD can have an impulsivity and eventually flow with a sort of chaos, the Autistic will completely reject it, and need thoughtful planning - interruptions are our kryptonite. 

The one not so small difference is Autistics have a difference in communication, while ADHD kids can access their words and appear fluid with communication. Now, it is still exhausting for ADHD kids to deal with Typical social structures. 

50 years ago our culture had a great deal of respect for careful and thoughtful planning, Kids were outside running wild until bedtime and so culturally, there was allowance and a sensibility for all kinds of beings. It was ok to be more intellectual than social. That is no longer the case. 

As culture becomes more homogenised and expectations closed around a certain way of behaving which dictates what is and isn’t moral, the young who are different are noticed each time they run against these invisible walls simply due to being on a process where they have yet to acquire coping mechanisms. It has been noted by Freud and others that while all humans can be traumatised into Survival Mode, Autistics don’t create Defence Mechanisms due to a difference in language. Coping might be in the form of living in survival mode.

We've much further to go in understanding these differences as a society, but from my reading of the last 150 years in psychology, psycho-analysis and philosophy, Autism is a sociological "problem" (the kind with a solution) due to a great deal of change in the 80s.

The main thing I would seek from a relative who needs to control what is and what isn’t, is to find out if she can properly separate the what is unique to Autistic 'wiring' from the often misdiagnosing which confuses it with trauma. Under the right conditions, Autistic and ADHD potential can flourish. 

Thank you for your kind words

Don't listen to anyone else. You know your daughter and you know what's best for her and will only want to do what's right and if other people disagree with that then that's their problem. You sound like a really caring and loving mother and your daughter is so lucky to have you - wishing you both all the best x.

Who knows your daughter best? Exactly, you do so please do not question your choice to seek a diagnosis. I too have had rejection from my family over my own diagnosis. I would recommended Kathy Hoopman's All Cats Are On The Autistic Spectrum as way of explaing autism to your daughter.  

Hi, It’s difficult when family members do not accept a diagnosis. I can also relate to doubting the diagnosis at times, it can take time to get used to. But it sounds like your daughter was assessed by a professional team and I presume you or someone else suspected she may be autistic which resulted in the assessment?
There are a few reasons your sister may struggle to accept the diagnosis. It is only recently that people have started to understand that autism presents differently in girls and now more and more people that might have been ‘missed’ a few years ago are being diagnosed. Is it possible the children your sister works with require a higher level of support so that when she compares your daughter with them it makes her feel the diagnosis does not fit? Also ADHD and autism can mask each other st times making it more difficult to spot the signs. Finally (and i’m not suggesting this is the case) people who are autistic themselves (but do not know it) can sometimes have a hard time accepting someone else is autistic as they share traits and perceive these as ‘normal’ ( can’t think of better word). I hope you can at least get your sister to not openly challenge your daughter’s autistic identity in front of her children- this could be detrimental- it’s her right to disagree with the diagnosis but i don’t think it is fair for her to share this with her children or your daughter. I would insist on that. It’s so important that your daughter feels validated and that she can grow up knowing she is autistic- knowing  helps. I was diagnosed much later at age 25 (even though thinking back it seems crazy I was not diagnosed sooner) and I think a lot of upset snd damage could have been avoided by knowing. 
I hope you can find an agreement with your sister so that she at least does not show her doubt of the diagnosis in front of the children 

Can I ask, what was it that made you seek a diagnosis in the first place?  Has that changed?

Getting an autism diagnosis as a female is already difficult. They doctors wouldn’t just give her a diagnosis for no reason so there’s no need to worry. Her diagnosis is valid and anyone that questions it is weird. If it was a psychical disorder the reaction would have been more accepting so why is it any different when it’s a hidden disability. For her to say that the doctors don’t know what they’re talking about is strange. Autism is a spectrum disorder and impacts people differently. Just because she works with SEN students doesn’t make her champion autism detector.  Your daughter could be really good at masking which is why it’s hard for your sister to acknowledge her autism but even then it’s not her position to say that the doctors don’t know what they’re talking about as she is simply not qualified to do so. You have every right to feel the way you do. As she works with children with autism she surely understands the daily challenges they face which may be the reason as to why she’s having a hard time accepting your daughters diagnosis. It can sometimes be hard for loved ones to process new diagnoses. Maybe she’s cared or maybe she’s just a ***. Give her some time and then maybe have a conversation with her. If she continues to reject your daughter than maybe your kid doesn’t need to be around her. As sad as it is your daughter matters more and she should be in spaces where she’s fully accepted. Your daughter has you and you have her together both of you can figure out the best ways in which to help meet her daily challenges and needs. It’s okay to be scared but don’t let that fear consume you as her autism is going to go away you can’t be scared forever learn to embrace it and love all the tiny little stims and random facts and just everything about her autism. You’ve got this and you’re not alone, your daughter isn’t either for everyone one person rejecting her there’s a billion more accepting and rooting for her. Me being one of them 

NAS87577 said:

my sister, who my daughter is very close to, has basically said the person who tested my daughter clearly doesn’t know what’s she talking about and that my daughter is a normal 8 year old

Do any other members of your family exhibit autistic traits? There is a strong indication that it is genetic so what may appear normal for your syster may indeed be normal for her because it is also her normal.

Is she saying she knows more than the specialist making the diagnosis? That sounds very arrogant or she does not want to face up to the fact that she may have "defective" people in her family (the quotes are because it could only be her perception - autists are not defective).

Since she is a teacher who deals with SEN children, ask how she would go about getting an assessment she would believe. The schools will have access to something I'm sure and with your confirmed diagnosis, this should be straightforward to arrange.

It would get the school 100% on board to help, shut your sisters complaints down and stop her from driving that wedge in your families.

In terms of advce on where to start with understanding and explaining to your daughter, I would begin with this book:

Asperger's Answer Book - The Top 275 Questions Parents Ask - Susan Ashley PhD (2006)

ISBN 1402219776

It seems more geared to your situation.