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Personal space

L56

Hey

How do i explain to my mother-in-law that personal space is important to my son without offending her?? She is a very touchy feely person anyway, but each time she visits she is constantly grabbing at both my kids and holding them tightly so they can't escape. It's awful to watch anyway because it looks aggressive sometimes, but it's particularly difficult for my aspie son who looks REALLY uncomfortable. I know she loves them and wants to cuddle, who doesn't with little ones, but i feel it's verging on dis-respectful. My OH has addressed this with her before, but it alomost feels she has gotten worse to spite. I don't want to make her feel like we are trying to stand in the way of her having a close relationship with them, but she needs to understand it's inappropriate when my son has issue with touch and sensory issues.

Thanks Again xx

  • Hi 

    Thank you for your input they are both really helpful posts.

    I quandered over it for ages and read your posts before i decided we really needed to explain to her why it's so important. Then after a visit Jack started to get upset because he didn't like the way she grabs him. I had a chat with my OH, who admitted he hadn't approached it with her!! but understood that we now need to chat with her about it. I think we can approach it sensitively, if we explain the reasons why Jack doesn't like it, and that we aren't saying she can't touch him, just to ask him first and respect him if he says no. The problem half the time is that she comes up from behind and grabs him in a lock because she knows often he will say no. I understand that she feels it is a way of showing her love, there are times that i sometimes wish i could just sit and cuddle him, the best i get a him perching on my lap lol but we just have to find other ways to show Jack our love and affection.

    Thank you again xx

  • Hi there - this is really tough but she has to be told.

    I have real space issues, I hate being touched (I am high functioning autism) and I now warn people not to touch me.

    I simply say - I'm autistic, please don't touch me. If they ignore that, I issue a further warning - if you touch me again I will hit you. Normally works for me! Haven't yet had to hit anyone.

    Maybe explaining about sensory issues might help - but ultimately if she can't control her touchy feely tendencies, you may have to keep her away from your son. My Mum kept people away from me who triggered meltdowns and problems because they didn't understand my needs as an autisitic child.

    It isn't easy but people, whoever they are, have to learn to respect your son and his needs.

  • Hi, it's a difficult 1, isn't it.  Saying that it needs to be sorted out because it's not fair, esp to your aspie son.  How did she react to what your OH said, do you think she understood or basically ignored things because she doesn't "get" autism.  As I don't know what was said all I can do in this post is say what I wd have sd which is "he is very sensitive to touch + it can be painful for him, whether that touch is light or a squeeze or anything in between. He doesn't experience touch the same way as we do because he is autistic + this sense is heightened.  He finds it very uncomfortable + as his parents we don't touch him in this way ourselves."  Yes, I know it's a minefield, offence cd easily occur but as you say it's the children that matter the most.  In the end she just loves them + wants to show it despite what's been said.  I don't know what other sensory issues there are so all you can do is think of different ways of explaining it to her, such as others don't do this because of the issues so she doesn't take it personally.  Gd luck!