Trashing the place

I have a friend who's ADHD, and he talks about getting these sudden surges of adrenaline, out of nowhere. He's never taken anything for it, just got on with it. He works in the Music business in the States where so many individuals are undiagnosed, so no one thinks a thing of the differences. But he says bike riding daily has helped. 

My son also used to have terrible hay fever. I would offer him a small spoon of honey daily and it went away. It might not work for everyone, but it can't hurt to try! This company is specifically brilliant as they make a honey for it https://baxbees.co.uk/shop/speciality-honeys/pollen/ It lasts through the season should could be worthwhile. there's also a chocolate company who make a bar with pollen. Not sure if it's too dark for a young one to appreciate. https://www.ocado.com/products/cox-co-bee-pollen-honey-61-dark-chocolate-bar-515959011

Yes she is PDA, so much so that even when she has terrible hay fever and her eyes are raw and itchy she refuses to take anti-histamine, it’s astonishing. Thank you for your kind response. I’m still trying to work out what she likes that is calming, she hates people touching her so it’s challenging. Pillow fights really helped diffuse things yesterday, but today they’re not working but I think the action of throwing/hitting etc helps calm her down so I’m going to keep that up. I will try the therapressure brush. She’s too strong for me to hold and she scratches me so badly if I do that my hands get wrecked. My husband is wfh to help me and is very good at rough games with her so that’s helping 

Is your child PDA?

If so, Don’t parent as you typically would, which goes against everything instinct that’s in us as mothers. I’d speak to her like a friend. 

Is this a new behaviour she’s displaying? 

Will she respond when you talk to her during it? 

When my eldest was younger if he was getting tense I’d say right open the door shake your body get all this energy out the door and say go go away. Or we would scream out the door and make it into a competition! It did help & it made him laugh at me. 

Could you get her a punching bag?

When she’s doing it could you pretend to trip up over something she’s threw & fall down and See what her reaction is? She might laugh at you and you could laugh too and it could end the behaviour or she may get a fright that her mums been hurt? I’ve done this and still do things like this if I’m trying to difuse a situation with my PDA 13 year old. 

Or say to her if that’s what you need to do then fine. Close the door and let her do it. Show no emotion and don’t verbally communicate with her at all. I get this sounds extremely difficult and it would take a lot of patience but Once she’s finished I’d clean the mess up without mentioning it. If she rejoins the family afterwards Give her no reaction at all. I’ve done this too lots of times. 

If you don’t agree or have tried the above and this might seem extreme but I’d install locks on your kitchen door or on every door and they can only be opened if your monitoring her and make sure that you have the keys! Make sure the garden doors are locked. To prevent bringing in any mess into the house. Be honest with her if she has a level of understanding say to her I have no option but to take these steps because you are damaging food & our property. 

My son has attacked me in the past and I’d have to hold his arms down by his side and stand up and say No very sternly. At first he wouldn’t listen but as soon as I picked up any signs of the behaviour was going to turn violent towards me I did those steps. He did eventually listen. It turns out though after trying lots of strategies he was sensory seeking and now we rough play, do forward rolls & he loves a back scrubbing brush on his body and it really calms him. A therapressure brush is a more gentle option. 

Im sorry your daughter & you are going through a hard time.

I've parented an ADD girl, and based on my own practical experience and insight It appears that she is challenging you for the dominant role, and you are clearly losing.

In days gone by, you could re-establish who wears the pants by physically chastising your child, but nowadays you need to do it by psychology. 

Fortunately YOU are the adult, which should mean you have more ability to marshal your thoughts and maintain a campaign of discipline, BUT that window is closing fast, so you need to win this quickly.

You need to find your own approach and methods to discipline your child, but first you need to recognise the importance of turning this around, and then DECIDE to WIN. 

Essentially, children want to feel validated and happy (just like you do). I therefore tried to incorporate those techniques into my version of discipline, so that my child did the right thing not out of a fear of punishment, but in order to derive a positive (and usually psychological, it's cheaper and less expensive than buying them stuff, and less exhausting than finding an never ending supply of "treats" to try and bribe them.

However my way is very demanding in terms of mental activity and creativity. I recognise not everyone can get ahead of their child psychologically, but most people should. 

But enough about the child. 

You also need consideration. It's your house. You tidy it, and pay for it, and clean it. Your child is hurting you right where you live. 

I being a selfish and wilful person simply would NOT be able to tolerate it. I'd first draw the line with my child by way of a pleasantly delivered conversation using as much humour as I can and as many child like metaphors as I can cram in to explain to my child that this is OUR house and keeping it clean and tidy is what I like and it HAS to be that way. Use any reasoning you can think of that you know your child will agree with to explain why it has to be so. At this point I'd explain carefully and nicely that I need things to change now, and that from now on we won't be messing up the house any more, BUT if she feels those feelings, then come and see me and we will see what we can do about it. And I'd definitely start teaching her how to clean and look after things. 

I do remember how bloody inconvenient it is to have to take a fifteen minute break from what ever you are doing, switch gears mentally, and give you kid some time right NOW, but it might save you a LOT of remedial work later and housework now.. 

For me training my child became like a sport or game of skill. Every time she turned up combative, "or out of sorts", it was an act of skill to take control psychologically speaking, and either deal with the issue or most often simply divert her thinking onto a different more happy and productive track. 

I can tell you she isn't enjoying the process of trashing your house, any more than you are, so fixing this will be a win-win thing for you. 

And just in case that isn't challenge enough, you also need to be honest with your kids. Never threaten a specific punishment, and then fail to follow though because you thought about it after wards and realised it was your anger talking. On the few occasions  mine pushed me that hard, that punishment was becoming my only option, I'd simply explain the situation, explain that if you keep pushing my buttons like this I will HAVE to do something to you that you won't like. I don't know what it is yet, and I'm too busy to think of something now, but I will and it will be something you don't like. Now do you still want to do that?

Punishment is like power or money, they need to know you can hand it out, but it's diminished if you do actually use it...

I hope this helps you to see parenting more as a game of skill now than a domestic battle ground. 

Take your time and plot ways of diverting your child from her bad moods now whilst you still can.

Treat it as a GAME if you can get into that mindset, it makes it more enjoyable for everyone involved, than letting it become domestic warfare.

This sounds too big for a stranger on here to ever fully and accurately assess, I suggest to book her into an autism friendly therapist first, because there's obviously going to be loads behind the scenes we aren't privy to in order to give the most exact advice. But with an actual therapist they can sit you down and you can go over everything at length over multiple sesssions to get to the bottom of the issues you and your daughter are having.