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Trashing the place

NAS82507

My 8 yo daughter trashes the house every day. No matter how much I try to pre-empt it, or work out what triggers it, I can’t stop it. It is wearing me down so much. Today she took food out of the cupboard and threw it at me along with other stuff, and threw dirt and water all over the kitchen as well. And that’s on top of trashing the rest of the downstairs, as usual. How can I keep going when it’s like this every day? I’m so worn out and disheartened. She says she hates me and I’m not her real mum because my real mum wouldn’t be like me. I know she needs my help, and I’m trying to give it to her but it’s so hard when she throws it so hard back at me. She’s not in school at the moment because her anxiety is so severe. I feel like no one can help us 

Parents

  • Is your child PDA?

    If so, Don’t parent as you typically would, which goes against everything instinct that’s in us as mothers. I’d speak to her like a friend. 

    Is this a new behaviour she’s displaying? 

    Will she respond when you talk to her during it? 

    When my eldest was younger if he was getting tense I’d say right open the door shake your body get all this energy out the door and say go go away. Or we would scream out the door and make it into a competition! It did help & it made him laugh at me. 

    Could you get her a punching bag?

    When she’s doing it could you pretend to trip up over something she’s threw & fall down and See what her reaction is? She might laugh at you and you could laugh too and it could end the behaviour or she may get a fright that her mums been hurt? I’ve done this and still do things like this if I’m trying to difuse a situation with my PDA 13 year old. 

    Or say to her if that’s what you need to do then fine. Close the door and let her do it. Show no emotion and don’t verbally communicate with her at all. I get this sounds extremely difficult and it would take a lot of patience but Once she’s finished I’d clean the mess up without mentioning it. If she rejoins the family afterwards Give her no reaction at all. I’ve done this too lots of times. 

    If you don’t agree or have tried the above and this might seem extreme but I’d install locks on your kitchen door or on every door and they can only be opened if your monitoring her and make sure that you have the keys! Make sure the garden doors are locked. To prevent bringing in any mess into the house. Be honest with her if she has a level of understanding say to her I have no option but to take these steps because you are damaging food & our property. 

    My son has attacked me in the past and I’d have to hold his arms down by his side and stand up and say No very sternly. At first he wouldn’t listen but as soon as I picked up any signs of the behaviour was going to turn violent towards me I did those steps. He did eventually listen. It turns out though after trying lots of strategies he was sensory seeking and now we rough play, do forward rolls & he loves a back scrubbing brush on his body and it really calms him. A therapressure brush is a more gentle option. 

    Im sorry your daughter & you are going through a hard time.

  • in reply to Lau

    Yes she is PDA, so much so that even when she has terrible hay fever and her eyes are raw and itchy she refuses to take anti-histamine, it’s astonishing. Thank you for your kind response. I’m still trying to work out what she likes that is calming, she hates people touching her so it’s challenging. Pillow fights really helped diffuse things yesterday, but today they’re not working but I think the action of throwing/hitting etc helps calm her down so I’m going to keep that up. I will try the therapressure brush. She’s too strong for me to hold and she scratches me so badly if I do that my hands get wrecked. My husband is wfh to help me and is very good at rough games with her so that’s helping 

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  • in reply to Lau

    Yes she is PDA, so much so that even when she has terrible hay fever and her eyes are raw and itchy she refuses to take anti-histamine, it’s astonishing. Thank you for your kind response. I’m still trying to work out what she likes that is calming, she hates people touching her so it’s challenging. Pillow fights really helped diffuse things yesterday, but today they’re not working but I think the action of throwing/hitting etc helps calm her down so I’m going to keep that up. I will try the therapressure brush. She’s too strong for me to hold and she scratches me so badly if I do that my hands get wrecked. My husband is wfh to help me and is very good at rough games with her so that’s helping 

Children