• Replies 7 replies
  • Subscribers 65 subscribers
  • Views 2088 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Mortified

L56

Hi

My 6 year old son is currently on the waiting list for a full assessment for aspergers/sensory issues.

Jack was refferred by our GP who we went to visit re: asthma, but jack ended up having a MD whilst we were there, we ended up talking about jacks behaviours the fact they were getting worse and he passed us onto the paed who reffered us to camhs.

The school have never shared our concerns they report that Jack "just gets on with it". The reason i'm so upset today is because he's NOT ok!! Thankfully or (maybe not) Jack has appeared fairly settled at school. He absolutly thrives on routine/structure and loves learning and so i feel that school is a comfort to him with it's predictability, he needs to be told what to do at every moment.  He has never had a MD whilst at school (he saves them until he gets home), but he is starting to come home and say things which tell me he struggles with sensory overload/maintaining friendships in particular. We can tell by his facial expression and body language when he's starting to become anxious, he rocks and his picks and chews his fingers. Ths school says this isn't happening but i've suspected for a long time that he is doing this and the school aren't acting on it or noticing it because he's not disruptive and carries on "getting on with it". 

A parent helper approached me at school a few days back and confided in me that on many occasions, and during a school trip she had watched Jack getting very anxious. She said that it was so distressing to watch and the teachers weren't helping him that she ended up reassuring him. It confirmed my suspicions all along really. I had a think about how to approach it with the teacher, i didn't want to go in accussing her of being crap and getting her back up. I decided that i would make some social stories about asking for help. I've made jack a red card which he could show us at home and the teacher at school when he feels upset. He often can't identify why he's feeling a certain way or what the emotion is so i'm going to start working with him on that. I spoke to the teacher who again reiterated that he he's fine and that she didn't notice anything on the trip, but she agreed to start trying that once we'd practiced it at home. Great, but i wish she'd stop pointing out to me that it's funny hows he's fine at school and not at home.

Then the cherry on the cake. This morning Jack was very irritable, when i tried to pry out of him what was bothering him he started getting upset because he thought it was the weekend. He then starting tantruming because he decided he wanted some more toast and ran out of time to play with his lego (his love, obbession and calming activity). We got down to the MD phase, he cried and screamed all the way to school, he started kicking me and refused to get out the car. I managed to calm him a little enough to take him to the class door, but we were both visiably shaken and upset. I wanted the teacher to see for herself that he was stressed, i wanted her to reassure jack and talk to him for a second so that i felt he was calm and happy. Instead he was hussled through the door without a word of reassurance and i got "funny he's fine when he's at school isn't it". I think i must have cried all the way home and now i feel bloody awful!! He didn't look fine, he looked upset and tense and so unhappy, but i know he'll get on with it still feeling like that at least for a little while. I hate it that he isn't being shown the kindness and reassurance he needs at times. And i hate it that i feel like they think it's my parenting or home environment.

Please say other people have gone through this type of thing too????

  • You are definatly not alone, yours is a common situation I can really relate to. My daughter was diagnosed with autism aged 11, in the summer holidays before starting high school. Her primary school said she was fine, she wasn't and had massive meltdowns at home. She told staff the climbing frame was her best friend! When she started high school she was suicidal, she only attended 8 times, i had to remove her. I requested a statement, both schools told educational psychologist she was fine there. In high school she had never been in the playground or canteen or spoken to another child!

    The psychologist assesment showed she had the cognitive understanding of a 7 year old (a month before turning 12!) Her understanding of language was significantly lower than her use of language showed (now I know why she often does the opposite of what I say!:) ) The schools were wrong and disshonest. They used the phrase 'happy and comfortable' to describe my self harming suicidal daughter!

    She now has a statement, a place in a school with specialist autism provision to start in september and home tuition funded on medical grounds in the meantime! The schools were not supportive, but keep on trying,the best advice I can give is; dont go to meetings on your own, take someone who has the knowledge to support you, even if this means postponing until support is arranged(dont be bullied into last minute meetings!) request a statement using as much medical back up as you can, even the podiatrist contributed to my daughter's statement! All the best.

     

  • I feel better reading this as I believe my 7 yr old has Autism but same as L56 he behaves in school so there is only a behaviour problem at home its me.  But I know as his mum there is more to it.

    This is my first post on here but want to cry knowing others are going through the same.  

    I have no help at the moment as all think nothing wrong and the last help offered was for me to have parenting help but I know I don't need this.

    I hope L56 gets some help.

  • Undiagnosed all the way throught school my son came under the radar.... too naughty to be normal and not bad enough to be noticed or get help.  Wrong education, wrong help and no support.  On one of many many parental visits I actually asked his year head "what should I do?"  He was confused by the question, my response was well he's not acting normally and I only have 2 kids-worth of experience whilst you have had 20 yrs of teaching 500 plus pupils per year?????  Of course he had no clues and no helpful information to pass on.

    Instinct got me through and it's not easy ... not easy at all.  If I had the finances I would have had a private tutor for my son he's Aspergers and does have the ability to learn at the time I knew nothing of home schooling and actually have been a working mother mostly out of necessity it wasn't necessarily an option.

  • Hi There,

    I sympathize, i have had simmilar with my sons old school. 

     My son was always highly stressed at school  (as his mother i could see by his body language, he would just stiffen up as soon as we arrived at the school gate) and never speak up or even speak up if he had a problem, so much was the desire to fit in and not stand out in the crowd in case someone noticed him!  As soon as i collected him from school i could see the anxiety melt away and sometimes the whole day bottling up thoses feeling would lead to a meltdown over something or another.  Imagine all that stress  and being on your best behaviour all day, with all the other factors and sensory issues of Autism!  No wonder they sometimes have a meltdown when they get home! 

    Its not your parenting, you know that.  You are doing the best thing for your child do not let anyone hint at anything otherwise.  Keep up the good work and do print off some reading material for the class teacher.  My son was so well behaved in class he was never noticed for any reason even when he was being bullied.  The quiet kids need us to speak up for them.  So carry on doing the brilliant job you are doing do not worry about upseting the teacher, the truth hurts and ultimatly your childs happiness is no 1.

    GOOD LUCK

     

    Puffinx

     

  • Thank you both for your helpful and reassuring comments. I know that the more I talk to people it seems that it's not uncommon, but it is very annoying. I guess part of me worries because not only is Jack having to suffer in silence when he struggles, but that the schools opinion will veto a diagnosis. The psychologist said that during his assessment, it will be likely that the teacher will be sent a checklist to fill in rather then Jack having an observation within the school setting. 

    IW, thank you again. I have printed out the article and during the next parents evening coming up shortly I have decided to show it to her. I think I have nothing to loose and you are right I need to gight now for the needs of my little boy.

    LM I agree with what you are telling me. My older son has dyslexia and i felt there were many times when they put their league tables and performance before the needs of him and others who needed extra support. I have quite a few teachers on my family and friends circle and they have all told me that training on autism or any special need is very limited and a module covered in one day. In fact many of them just spent 2 days in s special school and that was the whole unti done !!!! They said that if they had a child in their class with a particular need then they would be given a basic tick sheet of symtoms. Of course i'm not saying this is the case across the board, i'm sure there are some excellent teachers out there who make the effort to learn everything they can to help, or who do have the experience to. But unfortunatly I haven't met any of those teachers yet.

    And I agree, we can usually see a build up with Jack before he totally blows. It starts with irritability and then can builds until he hits the meltdown. We are just learning how to recognise where his moods at and what we can to do help calm him down or divert before he reaches the meltdown.

    Thanks again xx

  • You may find because of peer pressure he has to bottle it in at school, so you may get the meltdowns at home. There seems to be a lot of reporting of that happening.

    In teenage years however the pressure to conform and being singled out as different, is likely to make school much harder to hide it in.

    As IntenseWorld points out the teacher's indifference to your concerns is depressing, but I think you are up against a certain amount of protectionism - the teacher or the school not wanting to be seen to underperform. You are being "locked out" in case you rock the boat.

    However its not clear what training on this teachers get. A teaching qualification will cover special needs but the pitch may be quite superficial. I've looked through the teacher-training sections of university and college libraries at the representation of books on autism and its often dated, and limited to manifestations of marked autism in special centres. I don't think there's much training given on abler kids, or for that much literature on abler autism needs.

    Also a teacher addressing a collective group may not see how an individual is coping. And your child is pressured by their peers to fit in with the teacher/class relationship. If this wasn't the case - if your child wasn't able to go along with the peer group - as often happens - then you'd be hearing all about it. It sounds like your child is able to fit in reasonably well at the moment.

    I've a theory about meltdowns (that is I've not got a case file to back it up - just me), that its a "last straw" response, rather than the trigger having an obvious cause. So it is possible for your child to hold it in at school, and then explode at home.

  • Teachers with this sort of attitude make my blood boil.  Email this to her (or print it out and hand it to her with a defiant look):

    http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/behaviour-common-questions-answered/different-behaviour-between-school-and-home.aspx

    Point out that he has had meltdowns outside of home such as the doctor's surgery and it has been witnessed.

    Point out that another parent, independent to you, has witnessed your son's anxiety on trips and the staff's failure to notice it letalone even deal with it.  Don't be shy in coming forward, don't worry about getting their backs up, this is your child and they are clearly wanting an easy life and are not autism-aware.