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my son behaviour

emmacrompton

hello i have a son of 7 years and i am a single parent he has severe asd and limited speech and quite a lot of sensory difficulties he as been using me as a punchbag since he was 4 years old but now because its 3 years on he is a lot stronger and harder and its beginning to have a severe effect on my health not to mention the bruises all over my arms and legs and the fact he tried strangling me on a train full of people the other week im at my wits end and thinking the only solution at this moment in time is care he does have respite 3 nights a month and all proffessionals involved i just dont know what to do can any1 help me before it gets to the point where he is gonna do something serious to me or vice versa i am scared of him but i also love him he is my world and my only child

  • I have been dealing with this for 13 years - although I do have the support of my wife. Basically I am the one my son takes his anger out on. You are absolutely right to try to deal withthis now rather than wait for your son to get heavier and stronger.

    Things can get (much) better but the issue is not likely to go away on its own. My son has some anger management help through Child and Adolescent Mental Health service (CAMHS) and this has helped. (You need to be awkward and insist on something meaningful - no change there).

    The main thing that has helped is being extremely consistent in our response that scratching, biting, strangling, hitting and all the rest is unacceptable behaviour. Sounds banal and it took years for a change, but change did happen.

    The other thing that I think has helped is not hiding my own feelings about the violence. If it hurts, verbalise it (Owwwwww!!!!). Make sure it's clear that the violence makes you sad. My son needed the really obvious feedback on the effects of his actions. Frankly, your son is never going to guess that his actions hurt you physically and emotionally. Some how you have to get the message across. Otherwise stereotypical behaviour can link up with the childs echolalic approach to behaviour.

    I have often wondered about a medical approach but I have never been able to have a meaningful discussion with any one.

    Long post for newb but this touched a nerve

    3F

  • Medication can be crushed, or given in liquid form, there are creative ways to hide medication with a child.

    I'm not sure why you believe there is only medication for ADHD.  There are all sorts of medications for all sorts of things, including anti-anxiety medication and beta blockers or other things to calm a child down.  I was on tranquilisers at the age of 12 myself.

    Some doctors will not mention medication if you don't ask for it yourself (some might think you would be offended), and obviously any good doctor would see it as a last resort.  It would need prescribing or at least authority from a paediatrician.  I think you have to view it as that last resort now if things have got that bad that you fear for your safety and your son's and you are considering putting him into care.

    You need to specifically ask for medication rather than a general request for help, and state that it is for your son's violent outbursts which are clearly prompted by his neurology/sensory or something to do with his emotions.  If there is any therapy they can give in conjuction this would be better.  You can also get PECS-style social stories from eBay etc. to visually reinforce to your son what is inappropriate.

  • He won't take medication and they won't give me medication because he isn't ADHD and all I have ever done is ask for help about his behaviour that has always been the main issue with him and everything they have suggested has never worked 

  • Have you asked for medication for him?  I would have thought that would be something to consider before putting him in care.

    You need to document (perhaps video if you can) his attacks.

    I have a lesser form of this with my 8yo daughter so I know what it is like.  She decides she's angry with me and repeatedly lunges at me and threatens me and I often also have lots of little bruises over me from her.  She is very solid and heavy and is all over the place when she's like that, and I feel a bit like a punchbag too - although your son sounds more severe.

    Have you actually asked for specific help for this issue from services yet?

  • They are saying have say a firm no with the sign which is what I am doing but it seems to make him worse I have 3 nights a month respite which is essential to both me and my son has you say I'm just at a loss with his lashing out it has been going on too long to the point where I just can't cope anymore :-( don't get me wrong when he is happy he is lovely and gives loads of cuddles and kisses but it's getting to be where I see most of his anger side than his lovely side at the moment and where I think is it me am I doing something wrong because he is only like it with me 

  • Hi - I'm wondering if sensory issues are causing some of the behaviour you mention?  My son has issues with 1 or 2 sounds and will avoid certain places because of it.  Depending on his mood, he can get distressed if he hears these sounds.  If his mood is good he can cope much better as long as he doesn't have to tolerate it.  Your son's limited speech may cause him frustration as he can't express himself to the point where he can get his feelings across to you, so that may cause the physical attacks.  Do you keep a diary so you can work out what happened before he became aggressive.  Sometimes a pattern can be seen after a while.  I was a single parent for a number of years and you can feel very alone - just you and your child.  Services such as respite are essential, not just for the parent but also for the child so both get a break from each other.  What are the professionals saying about him - what are they suggesting?