17 year old daughter stuck with no purpose and not open to any help - help!

Hi, 

Are you sure she actually wants a 'purpose' at this point? Did she mention to you that she feels like she needs a vocation or a purpose? I just want to better understand the situation, so that I can better try to help. (btw I am 25 and autistic). 

I can understand the need for a purpose: My two main things were science and hiking (though sadly I've been unable to do the later for 3 years now due to injury). I always feel like I need a purpose but part of that is also an issue actually- I feel like most of my life I have been running from one purpose/goal to the next. I have this constant need to be 'productive', I'm always on the run. I think there is actually a beauty in being able to be without a purpose and to just live more in the moment. The reason I am mentioning this is because I feel like a very purpose driven existence has it issues too and it really depends on the individual what suits them best. I know that I do better with a purpose but I want to be able to also enjoy periods of not having one and of not having to be productive in the conventional sense.

Do you know why she is closed to the ideas you are suggesting? Have you asked? What is also important to keep in mind is that as an autistic individual school can be extremely challenging and exhausting mentally (not even academically), so there is sometimes also just not much energy left for anything else. Maybe she doesn't want a vocation/purpose at this point? Or doesn't have the energy for it? or she wants it but something is stopping her... lots of options, best thing is to find out from her probably? If she does indeed want to find a vocation or purpose, I think a lot of that can't be forced - it comes with time. There are probably some things she could get involved but it sounds like you already made those suggestions- if it is a matter of coming up with other ideas, we might be able to help on here. 

In my experience, finding a vocation can't be forced... I have tried for the 3 years now that I have been injured to find an alternative to my hiking, running, outdoor exercise etc. but I just haven't managed to.... I did try a lot of other activities at home but nothing felt right. And at times I also just did not have the headspace to engage. I am still desperate for a non-work purpose as I need to balance that with something else to make sure I also allow myself free time (and I always feel like I should (and part of me wants to) always work towards my purpose and if the only one relates to work then that can lead to burnout...). 

Also just wondering, why do you think she needs help from CAHMS or coaching? 

I think my main point is that for any change to happen, whether this is finding a purpose/vocation or something else, the person needs to really want it as well as have the energy to actually put it into action. 

Not sure if any of this is helpful and I hope it's ok that I am asking so many questions- I am just trying to understand! 

At that age, to make it through education I needed something to look forward to. I got no enjoyment from it and to this day I don’t know why I put myself through it. It wasn’t worth it. I got through it because I bought meet and greet tickets for a Shawn mendes concert. It cost me a crazy amount of money. But it worked and I had a reason to be happy and to look ahead. So maybe plan something like a trip or holiday just to get through this year. Another idea would be to get her own pet, they really give you a sense of purpose and responsibility. Once this year of A levels is finished maybe look into a part time job and have a break from education altogether. If this is only her first year then I would seriously consider quitting now as there’s no benefit to seeing the year out.

There is a thing called the 'Double Empathy Problem', where due to a lack of emotional feedback from other other like minded autistic people ~ we mature emotionally at a proportionally slower rate than the greater proportion of society, and this is so regardless of how mature we actually may seem intellectually ~ with the basic rule of thumb being that we can be half our age emotionally, and twice our age intellectually ~ remembering of course that once you have met one autistic person; you’ve met one autistic person!

There is also another thing called 'Executive Planning Disorder', which means that the fight or flight reflex can engage when we are not familiar with the territory we may need or even want to get involved in ~ so any suggestion of engaging with the neurologically typical ‘whirled’ of excessive competition and regressive collaboration . . . can be somewhat off-putting, particularly if 'social camouflaging and personal masking' has been or is starting to become too problematic to maintain any longer.

So these things may be something to consider perhaps, baring in mind you have stated next to nothing about your daughter’s historical aptitudes or attitudes.

For instance, I gave a final year end of year psychological lecture on recognising cognitive dissonance in invisible conditions with a colleague of mine, and after which a student was brought up to me who told me if it not been for my contextualised person-centred explanations of things ~ as was very technical for the geeks, with my colleague explaining them very simply for the jocks ~ she would have given up on the degree entirely and dropped out despite having completed it!

Might this be the sort of problem your daughter is having in terms of perhaps not being stimulated or challenged enough by her teachers, or else the subject matter or matters she has chosen? And when did this educational lethargy first become apparent?

Hello NAS84430,

Hopefully this wonderful community will have some ideas on how to motivate your daughter. I just wanted to let you know that I've deleted your email address as it goes against rule 2 of this forum:

"This Community forum is public, so do not post personal or identifying details. This includes, but is not limited to, full names, addresses, contact details, social media, or photographs of yourself."

All the best,

Karin Mod