Just because they have needs...

Hi Jenny - it sounds like you’re having a difficult time - I’m sorry. What’s happened? 

Hi there.  It is simply the chronic nature of all of our problems taking its toll over time.  I'm tired and emotional and probably need a good sleep. 

Our cannabis prescription is still helping but, even at that, I have occasional breakthroughs of very negative emotions, especially during annual "milestones" (for which read "millstones" in our case) such as birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas.  Unfortunately we are now entering a two month period where a lot of these cluster together.  And this isn't helped when I can see others in my family buying then renovating their own homes, getting jobs and relationships and generally getting on with their lives.  And yes, the conventional ways aren't necessarily our ways, but there's been a long dearth of anything positive happening around here, whether in the orthodox ways or not.  

In a way, I can cope with specific things happening - i.e. one off negative events - much more easily than a daily grind which doesn't let up.  Maybe I'll just have a cry then a sleep and re-emerge feeling as though I've had a good vent and be good to continue.         

Jenny Butterfly said:

And yes, the conventional ways aren't necessarily our ways, but there's been a long dearth of anything positive happening around here, whether in the orthodox ways or not.  

Jenny Butterfly said:

I can cope with specific things happening - i.e. one off negative events - much more easily than a daily grind which doesn't let up.

I've missed you around in recent weeks Jenny - nice to have you back here.  You always seem to express feelings that I am oh-so-familiar with in the best words imaginable.  You are a wizard who seems to know the same dark dark corridors that I have wandered through, but your words are an extremely effective torch !

I'm sorry that you currently have "carers fatigue."  Wholly normal.  Wholly awful.  It will pass.

I'm glad that you can all still all have a laugh about the nihilistic hopelessness and pointlessness of it all at the moment - in terms of dusting.  That's hope and joy right there !

Stick with it.  Vent away at us / me all you need.  Have a special coffee and a cry and a sleep.

Tomorrow awaits.  SMILE.

Lots of love to you and yours.

Respect and love to you - till the next time. x

Funnily enough, that was one of my dad's favourite sayings too. 

I also believe we can catch up very quickly, basically because we are drawing on things that we have always, at some level, already known.  It might not have been put into words.  We might not even have had the words.  Or we might have believed that we were non autistic and identified with our own masking.  But we knew and all of the masks, defences and strategies that built up around our core have served their purpose, maybe still serve us in many ways, but we're onto them and can purposefully free up that core - the people we were supposed to be.

Yes, hope springs eternal.   

Jenny Butterfly said:

And I veer between existentialism, with a dollop of nihilism, and a strangely deeper-running spirituality.  But of course that latter is very personal and hard to describe. 

Still, I do wish that I'd felt able to move closer towards what I consider to be my authentic self much earlier on in life as the real growth could have started sooner and I could have been of more help to my family

Honestly, it's plain weird.  Things you write ARE me!

Despite our late start in self awareness - I believe we will catch up and then surpass our wildest dreams.

As my dad often said "Hope spings eternal."

Unknown said:

I've missed you around in recent weeks Jenny - nice to have you back here.  You always seem to express feelings that I am oh-so-familiar with in the best words imaginable.  You are a wizard who seems to know the same dark dark corridors that I have wandered through, but your words are an extremely effective torch !

Many thanks!  I am often around here still but sometimes feel bereft of words - things can get very intense here inside my head and there are some days when I really need to find my torch!  :)

And yes, I go through the usual patterns of venting and crying before buoying up and continuing with life.  It's a long way from what I envisioned but I sometimes wonder whether I am beng shown something else here, that I needed to be jolted from my formerly very conventional and very false life.  It is also very hard, when you're in the thick of it, to differentiate between necessary growing pains and purposeless suffering.  Perhaps, in a sense, none of it is purposeless.  And I veer between existentialism, with a dollop of nihilism, and a strangely deeper-running spirituality.  But of course that latter is very personal and hard to describe. 

Still, I do wish that I'd felt able to move closer towards what I consider to be my authentic self much earlier on in life as the real growth could have started sooner and I could have been of more help to my family and others.  This is why I'm so pleased to see autistic communities and autistic-led training and resources growing.       

Unknown said:

I've missed you around in recent weeks Jenny - nice to have you back here.  You always seem to express feelings that I am oh-so-familiar with in the best words imaginable.  You are a wizard who seems to know the same dark dark corridors that I have wandered through, but your words are an extremely effective torch !

Many thanks!  I am often around here still but sometimes feel bereft of words - things can get very intense here inside my head and there are some days when I really need to find my torch!  :)

And yes, I go through the usual patterns of venting and crying before buoying up and continuing with life.  It's a long way from what I envisioned but I sometimes wonder whether I am beng shown something else here, that I needed to be jolted from my formerly very conventional and very false life.  It is also very hard, when you're in the thick of it, to differentiate between necessary growing pains and purposeless suffering.  Perhaps, in a sense, none of it is purposeless.  And I veer between existentialism, with a dollop of nihilism, and a strangely deeper-running spirituality.  But of course that latter is very personal and hard to describe. 

Still, I do wish that I'd felt able to move closer towards what I consider to be my authentic self much earlier on in life as the real growth could have started sooner and I could have been of more help to my family and others.  This is why I'm so pleased to see autistic communities and autistic-led training and resources growing.       

Respect and love to you - till the next time. x

Funnily enough, that was one of my dad's favourite sayings too. 

I also believe we can catch up very quickly, basically because we are drawing on things that we have always, at some level, already known.  It might not have been put into words.  We might not even have had the words.  Or we might have believed that we were non autistic and identified with our own masking.  But we knew and all of the masks, defences and strategies that built up around our core have served their purpose, maybe still serve us in many ways, but we're onto them and can purposefully free up that core - the people we were supposed to be.

Yes, hope springs eternal.   

Jenny Butterfly said:

And I veer between existentialism, with a dollop of nihilism, and a strangely deeper-running spirituality.  But of course that latter is very personal and hard to describe. 

Still, I do wish that I'd felt able to move closer towards what I consider to be my authentic self much earlier on in life as the real growth could have started sooner and I could have been of more help to my family

Honestly, it's plain weird.  Things you write ARE me!

Despite our late start in self awareness - I believe we will catch up and then surpass our wildest dreams.

As my dad often said "Hope spings eternal."